Of course having a partner transition from female to male will have its difficult moments, and I am not going to pretend like it is all fine. I am having trouble with my identity, feeling like a liar and being unsure if I can cope with this. I understand that our ‘minds’ allow us to think of all the things that could go wrong and I try not to get caught up in my thoughts too much. However it has been really useful seeing a psychologist, as this gives me room to explore those ‘dark’ thoughts but in a time limited, safe environment way and to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and might not be reality based at all. Additionally, speaking out the thoughts can help me to process them and move on.
So I am going to share some of these thoughts and how I have processed them. I have noticed that from time to time, I would swing wildly from feeling really fine with Max’s transition to not feeling okay about it all. I realised that when I am feeling good about it, I am thinking about how much I love him and that he as a person and what I love about him is not going to change (e.g., his moral values). When I am not feeling okay, I believe it is about being unsure if I will cope and be strong. Additionally I am struggling with the feelings of being vulnerable, which are linked to being able to cope. I have thoughts that include “I am a psychologist I should be okay”, “I am active in the queer/trans community, and therefore I should be able to cope with this”. I understand these are ‘should statements’ and that life is a more complicated than “I should have all the answers” which is really an unrealistic expectation.
Additionally, I have come to realise that I worry about being seen as a liar. I value in myself, about being an honest, open person. However I find myself now in positions where I feel that I am not being. For example, at my new job they believe me to be heterosexual and every time I am casually speaking to a colleague about the weekend or something, I have this sense of being a liar. I do understand that I don’t want to (or need to) share such personal information with work colleagues about my private (sexual) life. But this feeling really does irritate me as I have always in the past come out as a lesbian. I do realise that I have to learn to sit with this discomfort, until it passes, which I feel it will sometime in the future as I get use to people (strangers, work colleagues etc.) seeing me as heterosexual. I also realised during the psychology session that while I struggle with not feeling honest, at the same time enjoying hetero privilege but then feeling guilty about that. Interesting, huh?
I also feel a bit like a liar when my friends ask me how I identify. So when I tell my friends that I am with an FTM/trans-guy, I worry about them thinking that I am not a lesbian or a failed one (use to be made to feel that way for dating Butches) and that I was lying to them, or that I am lying now because I am a lesbian (but with a trans-guy). So I cannot win, however I understand that this is my thoughts in my head and not necessarily fact. My friends have been hugely supportive and understanding. Also talking to my psychologist I realised that I am still able to be honest and say “I don't know how I identify. I am not straight but that I just don't know what I am” and I am being honest.
I do realise though and we have already learnt this lesson that I need to communicate what is happening and what I am thinking. I am doing this.
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That's a very interesting post. The more I think about it, the more I feel that sexual orientation is just one small, sometimes over-emphasised part of sexuality. I mean, it seems strange that so much emphasis is placed on sexual orientation - which is seen in terms of the gender(s) of one's partners/lovers. I think there are plenty of people out there whose desires are driven much more by other factors (e.g. top/bottom dynamics) than the gender of their lovers.
ReplyDeleteI find it really Interesting as well. How curious that we all feel the need to define ourselves as a result of our relationships. You are someone's girlfriend, someone's daughter, someone's sister and someone's friend. You are someone's coworker and you were someone's student. You have the potential to be someone's mother, someone's wife and someone's boss - but these things, singularly or collectively, don't define who you are. That can be something entirely of your own making - as you've mentioned, someone who is honest, strong, compassionate, patient, determined, committed and a range of other things. Remember you're better defined by your actions than your relationship to or with someone regardless of their gender.
ReplyDeleteBreeder xo
its very interesting post ,you got there ,as ftm ive looked around the internet alot lol and most people who used to identify as a lesbian and now ftm say that they arent dating a label ,at the end of the day you're dating the person for who they are ,its crazy, these labels, that are not set by us lol
ReplyDeletesounds like some of these issues are ones that lots of bi people face when in a relationship that's read as heterosexual. i know i used to struggle with this when i was read as female and my partner as male.
ReplyDeletegood luck with everything.