Anthropologist on Venus – Explorations into the Straight World

It is strange that people treat you differently depending on who you sleep with. For example, when I was doing my doctorate I was an out lesbian (as I have always been) and I was not invited to hen’s nights or baby showers. All the other girls in the doctorate were invited and the gay guy. I remember that my feelings were really hurt, why does sleeping with women preclude me from wanting to celebrate friends’ milestones? These were overt discriminations that were made on false assumptions. Since Max’s transition, we are now seen to be straight (in our jobs, for example) and I notice that I have been treated very differently. For instance, I am automatically include in discussions about wedding planning, raising children and dealing with men who has “man flu”. I feel much more included which is lovely, but at the same time I worry that queers are not treated this way yet in our society.

I am enjoying this exploration in the straight world, I like being included (who wouldn’t), and I take pleasure in observing this new world. However, while exploring this new world, I have a concern that happens from time to time. I feel that I have to play a role or act a certain way, (and I am not sure what it is) and if I do it wrong I will get caught out. I think though, this has more to with my own insecurities of exploring and being included in this new world, than about people analysing my every move in hopes of catching the queers.

151 days to surgery.

Surgery is booked

Max has booked his top surgery for 22nd of March 2012. He is thrilled. I am happy and anxious at the same time. It will be such a relief once it is over. I am anxious at the fact that it is major surgery and that I will be caring for him in another state, without my social support network. However, I am happy that soon Max will feel a whole lot more comfortable in his body. Also, I am looking forward to being able to touch his back – bare skin, instead of through a binder. I believe that Max is looking forward to throwing away binders forever. It must be horrible to wear binders all the time, especially during summer. Lately, Max has been complaining about how hot he is (temperature, not sex appeal), and we have only just hit spring with no hot days over 27oC yet. The testosterone has raised his core body temperature, so we are bracing ourselves for a horrible summer in binders. I guess I should say Max, instead of ‘we’, but I include me, as I will be hearing all about it. At least, we can console ourselves with the fact that this will be the last summer of binding.
Only 156 days to go.

Update on feeling like a vulnerable liar

I saw my psychologist for our last session the other week, and I realised that I have dealt really well over the last year with the identity issue and feeling like a vulnerable liar. I have recently started a new job, and we all went out for lunch together as a team building exercise as everyone is new at this centre. During the lunch, one of my co-workers asked me if I was engaged or married - I do wear a ring on the fourth finger of my left hand, as we have registered our committed relationship – I answered this question by stating “we are not married, but we did buy a house together 18 months ago”. I was really pleased with myself. I answered the question, giving her enough information without lying or needing to disclose my personal life. Thus feeling like a vulnerable liar solved. I can still be honest and answer a question, while keeping my answers short. Furthermore, I think coming to terms with a new identity has also helped. I truly don’t identify as a lesbian anymore, I tend to just say Femme rather than Femme lesbian. I have also being associating more with people in the Sex and Gender Diverse (SGD) community, than the gay and lesbian community, and as I have reported previously I feel more accepted. I have also recently started POTS (Partners of Trans Society) and still run BFT (ButchFemmeTrans Melbourne). BFT had a special dinner event the other night and we had over 40 people attend. So being more involved in the SDG community, using Femme without the lesbian and running POTS, I have found my identity a queer Femme POT.

Partners of Trans Society (POTS)

I have decided to start a society, for partners of trans*, as I feel there is a real lack of support groups in this area. I already run ButchFemmeTrans, however I also feel the need for something specific for partners of sex and gender diverse (SGD) people. A place were they can be free to talk and ask questions without worrying they are saying the wrong thing. We, POTs, have our own and sometimes different needs compared to cisgendered dating cisgendered, and trans* dating trans*. I don't know what it is like to be trans* and I won't pretend I do. As partners we made need to support them through surgery, talking to their families, being there through the hormone rollercoaster and so on. We have had a couple of catch ups and our next one is on in a couple of weeks. If anyone reading this blog wants to know more, just add a comment and let me know. Or you can email butchfemmmetrans@gmail for more info.
Beside this new society, there is a workshop coming up called "Supporting the Lovers" for partners and lovers of SGD click here for more info. It will be a safe place for partners to share, give and gain support. I hope it goes well.

Our Peeps

I currently feel more sense of a supportive community than I have ever before, and it is a lovely feeling. During my lesbian years I never felt totally connected and supported by the lesbian community. There have been many instances in the past where my sexuality with my appearance has been questioned (“You don’t look like a lesbian”), my dress and my sexuality (“Why do you were skirts?” and “How are we suppose to know you are a lesbian?”), my understanding of LGB culture (“Do you know what your rainbow necklace means?”), and my attendance to lesbian events (“This is a lesbian event, do you know?”) have all been questioned. This has gone on for over a decade. In the general lesbian community in Melbourne, Australia, lesbians showing femme characteristics are looked down upon.

Over three years ago, I was invited to social drinks run by ButchFemmeTrans Melbourne. I now help run this group with two other wonderful people. This group meets up monthly and I look forward to everyone. It is a lovely group of superb people, who totally understand my gender and sexuality, like I do theirs. I have made some wonderful friends. Also this group has been one of the things that continues, unchanging, since Max’s transition.

A few months back there was a special party night for Femmes. It felt wonderful to be celebrated! No one picking on me for wearing a dress to a queer event, no one questioning my sexuality or gender expression, everyone letting me be and celebrating what and who I am.

Also I have met many people in the sex and gender diverse (SGD) community and groups too, that have been very welcoming, giving Max and myself a wonderful sense of belonging. Recently I have started a small social group for partners of trans*. It has only met up twice but already I feel supported and lucky to have such amazing people to be friends with.

I had a dream ...

A few nights back I had a dream in which Max was post top surgery. The dream was not about Max having surgery, it just happened to have Max in it post surgery. I don’t actually remember what the focus of the dream was, or even if it had a theme or topic (you know what dreams a like). However what I remember is that Max and I were chatting outside in the sun. Max was smiling and shirtless. In the dream, my eyes quickly flickered over his chest scars that were faded, and I noticed that I had a clear sense of how normal this all was. Max being outside, shirtless with his male chest, how this was always meant to be.

After waking from the dream, Max’s post surgery chest felt familiar instead of strange. I noticed that I felt a fundamental change towards total comfort and that I was not so worried about the unknown, as it no longer felt unknown. This dream really let me become familiar with Max’s new chest, before the surgery has even happened. I believe that I was worried about the significant change that top surgery will bring so suddenly, as opposed to the slow changes of T. I really enjoyed this dream and the impact it has on me about feeling more at ease with his top surgery.

On hold

I think I have been mentally blocking from doing more posts, and I think I know why. Since we have both been looking for new jobs and Max's surgery has been on hold, I just haven’t' thought about writing blogs. I have been recording ideas for future posts but have not had the motivation to write. It is really unfortunate that Max's transition feels like it is on hold. Everything was rolling along and now we don't even know when Max's top surgery is going to happening. Anyway, hopefully everything will settle down soon and things will get rolling again (and that my posts will return).