I thought that I would ask people who are reading this blog, do you have any questions for me? So if you wisk to ask me a question, you can comment on this post.
Also I have realised that now when I watch TV shows, or movies or listen to music, I can fit Max's and I relationship into the context of that media. I have never had this before as I have been in same-sex relationships. Again it just highlights how hetero-normative society is. I would like to see more queer/gay represented in the media of the world.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
3 years ago – when we met
Max and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary yesterday, so I thought it was timely to blog about how we met. Three and a bit years ago I found myself single and just wanting a bit of fun as I had left a tumultuous 6 month relationship, which had followed a serious 2 year relationship. So fun was my priority. I went on to a lesbian dating/community website, I had been on this website off and on for a few years. I never really liked the website as I found it very vanilla with a pinch on 80-90s radical feminism. I should confess that I am not in line with radical feminism, the ones that wear jean overalls and hate men. I find that these feminists only like women to behave a certain way, and being Femme was not to their liking. Don’t get me wrong, feminism has been a wonderful thing for women and society in general. I just don’t understand how some can fight for women’s rights and then say the only way to be a woman is their way. Feminism should mean that a woman has the chance to be a woman any way she chooses. Anyway I digress, I went on the lesbian website (as it really is the only one that has a big enough potential dating pool) and did a search for Butch. Only eight came up, this lesbian website does not encourage Butches, Femmes, Trans and generally queer people. Well Max was on top of the list and he has his photo up (cute, I thought), so I gave him a ‘hello’. He said hello back, so I messaged that I am not into internet chatting so let’s meet up for coffee. He agreed, so we meet up for coffee then had dinner. We got along very well, and we were both looking for only “casual encounters”. Max was a year out of a 10 year relationship. The dinner went well and I ended up at his place. I decided not to spend the night, as I was keen not to send any messages of wanting a relationship (as I really was not looking for one). Anyway, we agreed that we were happy to have a casual relationship and not see each other anymore than once per fortnight.
Well that didn’t last long. We started seeing each once per week the next week! It is hard to say no to great sex. Within about 4 weeks I started to crush hard, I was really falling for him. I realise when we were hanging out I was becoming nervous around him because I liked him so much, he picked this up and teased me about it. Later he admits he did this so he looked all cool and casual, even though he didn’t feel cool and casual. I think about six weeks in, I confessed to him that I really liked him, he still played it cool. So we continued on seeing each other once to twice a week for few weeks, and finally we spoke really openly about our feelings for each other and not wanting it to end and become official. We acknowledge what we were practically in was a relationship so let’s keep going. Our relationship was just so much fun. We get along on many levels and have very similar views on relationships and life in general. Out of all of my relationships, this relationship has been so easy. Fun, easy, wonderful, safe, exciting, comfortable, what more could I want!
For most of my lesbian relationships I have run them very slow, for example not moving in for at least a year of going out, keeping things separate for as long as possible I guess. However with Max I was practically moved in within four or five months of first meeting. Such a ‘lesbian’ thing and we joked about that, because we knew we were not mainstream lesbians. I should highlight the ‘practically moved in’ means that I still continued to pay rent elsewhere, but slowly moved all my clothes over and didn’t spend a night were I rented. I was in my final year of my doctorate, and didn’t want to move in with someone and possible break up with them and move out in the last year of my dissertation. So I did not move in with Max until January 2010. We bought a house together in October 2010. We registered our relationship on the state register at around the same time. This is the most committed relationship I have ever been in, and it is funny to think that it was never supposed to be that way. I love our relationship. Max may have physically changed in many ways, however the foundations that we built together has never changed, and I don’t think they will anytime soon.
Well that didn’t last long. We started seeing each once per week the next week! It is hard to say no to great sex. Within about 4 weeks I started to crush hard, I was really falling for him. I realise when we were hanging out I was becoming nervous around him because I liked him so much, he picked this up and teased me about it. Later he admits he did this so he looked all cool and casual, even though he didn’t feel cool and casual. I think about six weeks in, I confessed to him that I really liked him, he still played it cool. So we continued on seeing each other once to twice a week for few weeks, and finally we spoke really openly about our feelings for each other and not wanting it to end and become official. We acknowledge what we were practically in was a relationship so let’s keep going. Our relationship was just so much fun. We get along on many levels and have very similar views on relationships and life in general. Out of all of my relationships, this relationship has been so easy. Fun, easy, wonderful, safe, exciting, comfortable, what more could I want!
For most of my lesbian relationships I have run them very slow, for example not moving in for at least a year of going out, keeping things separate for as long as possible I guess. However with Max I was practically moved in within four or five months of first meeting. Such a ‘lesbian’ thing and we joked about that, because we knew we were not mainstream lesbians. I should highlight the ‘practically moved in’ means that I still continued to pay rent elsewhere, but slowly moved all my clothes over and didn’t spend a night were I rented. I was in my final year of my doctorate, and didn’t want to move in with someone and possible break up with them and move out in the last year of my dissertation. So I did not move in with Max until January 2010. We bought a house together in October 2010. We registered our relationship on the state register at around the same time. This is the most committed relationship I have ever been in, and it is funny to think that it was never supposed to be that way. I love our relationship. Max may have physically changed in many ways, however the foundations that we built together has never changed, and I don’t think they will anytime soon.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Max's Manniversary
Today is Max’s one year on testosterone. I really cannot believe that it has been one full year. I remember clearly, a year ago, of having the desire to jump ahead 12 months to have a look and see if everything was going to be alright. I obviously had fears such as not liking Max on testosterone, not being attracted to him, personality changing, problems with communication, losing my identity to name a few. So it feels funny to compare my fears to how I currently feel. I have no regrets for Max to transition and I never felt any grief (which some partners of transguys report). I believe he makes a very sexy, handsome man (well if I am going to be with a man, we might as well be sexy and handsome). His personality has not changed, well personality is hard to define at the best of times, so I mean he has not become some aggressive, egocentric person. He still has the same values, treats me and everyone with respect, he is a thoughtful and hard working person, all things I love about him. What has changed is his confidence, he can socialise with more ease, he holds his head up when we are out, and he believes in himself. I totally adore these outcomes, it was so hard before he started T with trying to get him out of the house and to loosen up and have fun, as he was so depressed. In regards to communication changes, I have adapted quite well. Max defiantly talks less. Also I have noticed that if I want to have a deep conversation with its best if I wait until he is in the right mood. However, generally we do communicate well, I may need to be a bit more overt with my emotions and expressing my needs, but as long as I communicate clearly everything is alright. Our relationship has a very firm foundation that we have worked on our entire relationship (nearly 3 years together), which has gotten us through the tough times. In regards to my identity, I have noticed a bit of a change. Before I would identify as a Femme lesbian, now I have dropped the lesbian and just say Femme or maybe Queer Femme with a lesbian history if I need to say more.
Thinking about the history of Femmes, they have always dated genderqueer/trans*, the names might have changed (i.e., passing women in the early 1900s, butch in the 1950s, trans* 2000s [I am generalising to make a point]) but femmes have always dated those on the fringe of gender expression. Some historical text allude to the female partners of the ‘passing women’ where fooled and didn’t know their partner was a woman and not a man. This is such a joke Femmes know who they are and who they date. I just think that more Femmes are dating transguys now because society now has the ability to assist genderqueer/trans* to medically transition if they wish, and I believe many of the ‘passing women’ of the old days would have medically transitioned if they could. Now, I should state, in case people don’t know, there is a huge difference between Femmes and Lipstick Lesbians. Lipsticks date other Lipsticks and Femmes date Butches/Genderqueers/Trans (on the masculine side). The reason the terms are different is to help with dating, as Lipsticks can look like Femmes and vice versa. Femmes have the understanding of dating Butches/Genderqueers/Trans, for example they understanding the need for a soft place to land at home (as it can be hard to be who they are out in society), also that you may need to check out the toilet situation at restaurants and report back to them etc. [Disclaimer, people are free to label themselves and date whoever they want, I am just reporting on my background].
Last Friday we went to Misty’s Diner, a 1950s retro diner, to celebrate his Manniversary with 20 of our closest friends. We had a great time, and Max was on fire, chatting to everyone and having a great time. Even the owner, Misty, wanted to hire him as he was doing such a good job coordinating all the food orders. To digress, I have noticed that there is an attraction to the 1950s from the butch/femme/trans/queer community, and I think this has to do with the well defined gender norms of the times. Women were very feminine and men were very masculine, think Mad Men TV show. Now I am not saying the butch/femme/trans/queers are very strict about gender norms, as they tend to tnterpret it their own queer way. For example, one thing that I have noticed is that many Femmes who date genderqueers/butches/transguys, and are attracted to expressing 1950s femininity tend to have a number of rocker-billy tattoos, mixed in with their gorgeous pencil skirts, and head scarfs. Max and I have our own attraction to the 1950s too; both of us love the clothes and the furniture. Anyway, so back to the night, it was a very fun celebration. All our friends (straight, gay, queer, trans*) have been so supportive and it was great to give thanks to their role in our lives. I have to say, I have not had one bad experience. Not even my hairdresser, or my osteopath even batted an eye lid when I explained why my partner has changed his name (and pronouns). I keep getting myself ready for a negative response, by being on guard, but nothing bad has happened. I am so thrilled about this. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have been wonderfully kind and compassionate.
If I could talk to myself 12 months ago I would say, “You won’t lose your partner, you will gain through this experience, some times are tough, but overall it will be positive”.
Thinking about the history of Femmes, they have always dated genderqueer/trans*, the names might have changed (i.e., passing women in the early 1900s, butch in the 1950s, trans* 2000s [I am generalising to make a point]) but femmes have always dated those on the fringe of gender expression. Some historical text allude to the female partners of the ‘passing women’ where fooled and didn’t know their partner was a woman and not a man. This is such a joke Femmes know who they are and who they date. I just think that more Femmes are dating transguys now because society now has the ability to assist genderqueer/trans* to medically transition if they wish, and I believe many of the ‘passing women’ of the old days would have medically transitioned if they could. Now, I should state, in case people don’t know, there is a huge difference between Femmes and Lipstick Lesbians. Lipsticks date other Lipsticks and Femmes date Butches/Genderqueers/Trans (on the masculine side). The reason the terms are different is to help with dating, as Lipsticks can look like Femmes and vice versa. Femmes have the understanding of dating Butches/Genderqueers/Trans, for example they understanding the need for a soft place to land at home (as it can be hard to be who they are out in society), also that you may need to check out the toilet situation at restaurants and report back to them etc. [Disclaimer, people are free to label themselves and date whoever they want, I am just reporting on my background].
Last Friday we went to Misty’s Diner, a 1950s retro diner, to celebrate his Manniversary with 20 of our closest friends. We had a great time, and Max was on fire, chatting to everyone and having a great time. Even the owner, Misty, wanted to hire him as he was doing such a good job coordinating all the food orders. To digress, I have noticed that there is an attraction to the 1950s from the butch/femme/trans/queer community, and I think this has to do with the well defined gender norms of the times. Women were very feminine and men were very masculine, think Mad Men TV show. Now I am not saying the butch/femme/trans/queers are very strict about gender norms, as they tend to tnterpret it their own queer way. For example, one thing that I have noticed is that many Femmes who date genderqueers/butches/transguys, and are attracted to expressing 1950s femininity tend to have a number of rocker-billy tattoos, mixed in with their gorgeous pencil skirts, and head scarfs. Max and I have our own attraction to the 1950s too; both of us love the clothes and the furniture. Anyway, so back to the night, it was a very fun celebration. All our friends (straight, gay, queer, trans*) have been so supportive and it was great to give thanks to their role in our lives. I have to say, I have not had one bad experience. Not even my hairdresser, or my osteopath even batted an eye lid when I explained why my partner has changed his name (and pronouns). I keep getting myself ready for a negative response, by being on guard, but nothing bad has happened. I am so thrilled about this. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have been wonderfully kind and compassionate.
If I could talk to myself 12 months ago I would say, “You won’t lose your partner, you will gain through this experience, some times are tough, but overall it will be positive”.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Interview with Max
Me: When did you first realise that you were trans*?
Max: I always find this a really hard question to answer, because I think I have always known that I was different. I think the fact that I was cross dressing in my father’s suits, at the age of 7, was probably a big indicator. Then I went on to do Gender Studies at uni and, so I have always known that I was different. But in terms of putting the trans* label on it, I think it was when we were at [Midsumma] Carnival, one year, I don’t remember which year, and we were doing a survey and there was a gender question ...
Me: It was last year, 2010
Max: 2010, and it was Female, Male, Transgender. And I choose trans for the first time, because it was the one that I felt the closest to who I was. So I think that was the first time I put that label on my difference, though I think I have known about my difference since I was very young.
Me: What were your major or main concerns about medically transitioning?
Max: My biggest fear was that I would lose my family, umm, well no probably my biggest fear was that I would lose you, but that fear didn’t last that long, because we communicated about it so much. So then it was losing my family. Changing my mind, doing something that was not right for me. How did I know it was right, to medically transition? Work and employment prospects. There was a lot of worry, there was a lot of concern.
Me: So what got you to start your medical transition then?
Max: I think the fact that I was so depressed, very, very depressed, to the point it was starting to impact on my work, my life, fairly significantly. It was all around this, all around transition.
Me: Your body dysphoria, or not?
Max: Yeah, yeah. And I think I had a fear that I would die, if I didn’t do something. And that this was something that I thought would make me feel better. And thankfully it has.
Me: How was your family been?
Max: My family has surprised me, with how good they have been, having said that, it still hasn’t been easy. And it’s not easy now, but I know that they are doing their best. I’m doing my best to keep communicating with them, and keep the doors open and, not throw things in their face, so to speak. I’m cautiously optimistic and I am pleased with how they have responded. But it remains a challenge.
Me: How was it transitioning at work for you?
Max: Transitioning at work was really hard. I found it very difficult. Looking back now, the process went very smoothly and everything was fine. But going through it in the moment, was really challenging and really anxiety provoking, changing toilets, changing names. It was really hard, but I had a really supportive manager and real supportive team. It has been relatively easy and I am really pleased.
Me: You mentioned before about having a bleak future, before you transitioned. Have your thoughts changed about the future, since you started transitioning?
Max: Significantly, I don't feel like I am going to die anymore. I feel really good, and I look forward to things. There are still challenges, like finding a new job before my documents get changed, surgery, there are still some challenges. But I have a more positive outlook on life. And I feel like I can look at my life in the future now.
Me: That’s great!
Max: Yeah!
Me: What has been your experience with the trans* community?
Max: Umm, quiet nerve racking at first. I found it really intimidating, hanging out with other trans guys and trans women. But I think as my transition progressed and I felt better about myself. I found it easier to socialise, and I have meet some really good people, which has been helpful. So I know there are good people who are trans*. You know being trans* is not about being a freak or being a monster. There are some really great people out there and it has been really helpful for my transition to meet other people and I feel a lot more comfortable now. I really like going to trans* events and hanging out with the community. I think it has been really helpful. Certainly my perspective has changed over time.
Me: How about your relationship with me. Do you think there have been any changes in the last year?
Max: Yes. Yeah, there have been changes in the last year. My empathic response has changed, and that has changed perhaps the way we communicate. I think we have handled it quiet well. I think you have handled it very well.
Me: Thank you.
Max: I think that your skills around communication have made that a lot easier, than it might otherwise have been. But certainly there have been changes. I have changed. I am still the same person in lots of ways, but communicating with me I know is different. My empathic response is different.
Me: In what way?
Max: I don’t umm... I think I am not quite as sensitive to subtle cues anymore. And sometimes I need to be bashed over the head, and told that you are feeling sad. Whereas, I might have noticed that before, I might not notice it so greatly now, so there has certainly been changes. But I don’t think that any of the changes have been hugely negative. I think we have handled them very well as a couple.
Me: Thanks. I think we have done really well. Now it has nearly been a year on testosterone.
Max: Yeah!
Me: What have been the best parts?
Max: That’s a hard question to answer. Little Max asked me the same thing a little while ago and I don’t think I ever responded, ‘cos it is really hard to choose the best, ‘cos I enjoy lots of the changes.
Me: Sorry you don’t have to pick one thing.
Max: I love the muscle growth. I really like the way my body responds to a small amount of exercise. It’s great! I have got more energy now I think, part of that might be from the testosterone, part of that might be from not being so depressed. My favourite bits? I like the way I feel on testosterone, and it’s hard to verbalise and articulate. But I feel more confident, I feel like I am standing up straighter, I feel good about myself. And that surely has got to be the best.
Me: Yes, watching your confidence grow has really been great to watch. What has been the worst part?
Max: The worst part of testosterone?
Me: Not necessarily testosterone, I’m talking about your transition for the year?
Max: There has been lots of anxiety along the way. Lots of anxiety about family, relationships, work, that has been really challenging. I think also, negotiating our relationships has been challenging for me at times.
Me: Yeah the first 3 months were quite difficult!
Max: The first three months were really hard. Things did get significantly better after that, and I am just so thankful.
Me: Have there been anything unexpected, happen in the last year, any unexpected changes or experiences?
Max: I think that the more sort of emotional, intellectual changes have been a surprise.
Me: Intellectual changes?
Max: I feel like I can focus more. Maybe that is not an intellectual change, and maybe I have used the wrong word there. I feel like I can focus more on the task at hand, which means that I loss focus of the peripheral.
Me: Maybe that’s why you can’t multi-task anymore?
Max: Well, yeah there is that thing that women can multi-task and men can’t, and I have experienced that to a degree. So that has been surprising. I think things like butt crack hair are a little surprising (laughs). I think also people’s responses have been surprising. I have not had a negative response, except from very close family, understandably. But friends, work colleagues, my client’s at work, external people that I work with, everybody has been really supportive. And that has been a surprise, a very pleasant surprise.
Me: Any regrets?
Max: No. Perhaps, my only regret is that I didn’t journal more in the beginning. But I have no regrets about transitioning ... at all. I feel great.
Me: What about hard? Have there been any hard moments?
Max: There have been lots of hard moments. Disclosing to my parents was far and away the hardest part, for sure. Disclosure, I think disclosure generally was the hardest thing, at work, with friend and definitely with family.
Me: What has been the easiest part?
Max: I think my relationship with you. Because you have just been so supportive and there for me, in the way that I needed you to be there for me. Sometimes that meant sitting quietly, and sometimes that meant talking through something. And you have been able to do that for me through the whole process. And that’s made the whole experience a lot easier.
Me: Yeah, I think that is because we put a lot of work into building the foundations of our relationship beforehand.
Max: Yeah and, because we’re exceptional people.
Me: I’ll put that it the blog!
Max: (laughs)
Me: This is the last question. What are you looking forward to?
Max: I am really looking forward to top surgery. Yeah, I am really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to lots of things. I’m looking forward to being more involved with the community. I am looking forward to supporting other people through transition and being there for friends. And I’m looking forward to my relationships growing, as a result of me being more honest, about who I am, and what I am. Honest with myself and honest with others, and I think that makes a big difference to the quality of my relationships. And I continue to look forward to more and better relationships.
Me: That sounds really positive.
Max: Yeah, baby!
Me: Is there anything else you wanted to say?
Max: Nah!
Me: Well, thank you!
Max: I always find this a really hard question to answer, because I think I have always known that I was different. I think the fact that I was cross dressing in my father’s suits, at the age of 7, was probably a big indicator. Then I went on to do Gender Studies at uni and, so I have always known that I was different. But in terms of putting the trans* label on it, I think it was when we were at [Midsumma] Carnival, one year, I don’t remember which year, and we were doing a survey and there was a gender question ...
Me: It was last year, 2010
Max: 2010, and it was Female, Male, Transgender. And I choose trans for the first time, because it was the one that I felt the closest to who I was. So I think that was the first time I put that label on my difference, though I think I have known about my difference since I was very young.
Me: What were your major or main concerns about medically transitioning?
Max: My biggest fear was that I would lose my family, umm, well no probably my biggest fear was that I would lose you, but that fear didn’t last that long, because we communicated about it so much. So then it was losing my family. Changing my mind, doing something that was not right for me. How did I know it was right, to medically transition? Work and employment prospects. There was a lot of worry, there was a lot of concern.
Me: So what got you to start your medical transition then?
Max: I think the fact that I was so depressed, very, very depressed, to the point it was starting to impact on my work, my life, fairly significantly. It was all around this, all around transition.
Me: Your body dysphoria, or not?
Max: Yeah, yeah. And I think I had a fear that I would die, if I didn’t do something. And that this was something that I thought would make me feel better. And thankfully it has.
Me: How was your family been?
Max: My family has surprised me, with how good they have been, having said that, it still hasn’t been easy. And it’s not easy now, but I know that they are doing their best. I’m doing my best to keep communicating with them, and keep the doors open and, not throw things in their face, so to speak. I’m cautiously optimistic and I am pleased with how they have responded. But it remains a challenge.
Me: How was it transitioning at work for you?
Max: Transitioning at work was really hard. I found it very difficult. Looking back now, the process went very smoothly and everything was fine. But going through it in the moment, was really challenging and really anxiety provoking, changing toilets, changing names. It was really hard, but I had a really supportive manager and real supportive team. It has been relatively easy and I am really pleased.
Me: You mentioned before about having a bleak future, before you transitioned. Have your thoughts changed about the future, since you started transitioning?
Max: Significantly, I don't feel like I am going to die anymore. I feel really good, and I look forward to things. There are still challenges, like finding a new job before my documents get changed, surgery, there are still some challenges. But I have a more positive outlook on life. And I feel like I can look at my life in the future now.
Me: That’s great!
Max: Yeah!
Me: What has been your experience with the trans* community?
Max: Umm, quiet nerve racking at first. I found it really intimidating, hanging out with other trans guys and trans women. But I think as my transition progressed and I felt better about myself. I found it easier to socialise, and I have meet some really good people, which has been helpful. So I know there are good people who are trans*. You know being trans* is not about being a freak or being a monster. There are some really great people out there and it has been really helpful for my transition to meet other people and I feel a lot more comfortable now. I really like going to trans* events and hanging out with the community. I think it has been really helpful. Certainly my perspective has changed over time.
Me: How about your relationship with me. Do you think there have been any changes in the last year?
Max: Yes. Yeah, there have been changes in the last year. My empathic response has changed, and that has changed perhaps the way we communicate. I think we have handled it quiet well. I think you have handled it very well.
Me: Thank you.
Max: I think that your skills around communication have made that a lot easier, than it might otherwise have been. But certainly there have been changes. I have changed. I am still the same person in lots of ways, but communicating with me I know is different. My empathic response is different.
Me: In what way?
Max: I don’t umm... I think I am not quite as sensitive to subtle cues anymore. And sometimes I need to be bashed over the head, and told that you are feeling sad. Whereas, I might have noticed that before, I might not notice it so greatly now, so there has certainly been changes. But I don’t think that any of the changes have been hugely negative. I think we have handled them very well as a couple.
Me: Thanks. I think we have done really well. Now it has nearly been a year on testosterone.
Max: Yeah!
Me: What have been the best parts?
Max: That’s a hard question to answer. Little Max asked me the same thing a little while ago and I don’t think I ever responded, ‘cos it is really hard to choose the best, ‘cos I enjoy lots of the changes.
Me: Sorry you don’t have to pick one thing.
Max: I love the muscle growth. I really like the way my body responds to a small amount of exercise. It’s great! I have got more energy now I think, part of that might be from the testosterone, part of that might be from not being so depressed. My favourite bits? I like the way I feel on testosterone, and it’s hard to verbalise and articulate. But I feel more confident, I feel like I am standing up straighter, I feel good about myself. And that surely has got to be the best.
Me: Yes, watching your confidence grow has really been great to watch. What has been the worst part?
Max: The worst part of testosterone?
Me: Not necessarily testosterone, I’m talking about your transition for the year?
Max: There has been lots of anxiety along the way. Lots of anxiety about family, relationships, work, that has been really challenging. I think also, negotiating our relationships has been challenging for me at times.
Me: Yeah the first 3 months were quite difficult!
Max: The first three months were really hard. Things did get significantly better after that, and I am just so thankful.
Me: Have there been anything unexpected, happen in the last year, any unexpected changes or experiences?
Max: I think that the more sort of emotional, intellectual changes have been a surprise.
Me: Intellectual changes?
Max: I feel like I can focus more. Maybe that is not an intellectual change, and maybe I have used the wrong word there. I feel like I can focus more on the task at hand, which means that I loss focus of the peripheral.
Me: Maybe that’s why you can’t multi-task anymore?
Max: Well, yeah there is that thing that women can multi-task and men can’t, and I have experienced that to a degree. So that has been surprising. I think things like butt crack hair are a little surprising (laughs). I think also people’s responses have been surprising. I have not had a negative response, except from very close family, understandably. But friends, work colleagues, my client’s at work, external people that I work with, everybody has been really supportive. And that has been a surprise, a very pleasant surprise.
Me: Any regrets?
Max: No. Perhaps, my only regret is that I didn’t journal more in the beginning. But I have no regrets about transitioning ... at all. I feel great.
Me: What about hard? Have there been any hard moments?
Max: There have been lots of hard moments. Disclosing to my parents was far and away the hardest part, for sure. Disclosure, I think disclosure generally was the hardest thing, at work, with friend and definitely with family.
Me: What has been the easiest part?
Max: I think my relationship with you. Because you have just been so supportive and there for me, in the way that I needed you to be there for me. Sometimes that meant sitting quietly, and sometimes that meant talking through something. And you have been able to do that for me through the whole process. And that’s made the whole experience a lot easier.
Me: Yeah, I think that is because we put a lot of work into building the foundations of our relationship beforehand.
Max: Yeah and, because we’re exceptional people.
Me: I’ll put that it the blog!
Max: (laughs)
Me: This is the last question. What are you looking forward to?
Max: I am really looking forward to top surgery. Yeah, I am really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to lots of things. I’m looking forward to being more involved with the community. I am looking forward to supporting other people through transition and being there for friends. And I’m looking forward to my relationships growing, as a result of me being more honest, about who I am, and what I am. Honest with myself and honest with others, and I think that makes a big difference to the quality of my relationships. And I continue to look forward to more and better relationships.
Me: That sounds really positive.
Max: Yeah, baby!
Me: Is there anything else you wanted to say?
Max: Nah!
Me: Well, thank you!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Update on surgery decision
Last week Max found out that his contract at his job is not being renewed. This is due to the state government change, and this whole team is being let go. This has really put a spanner in the works. Max has decided that the best thing is to put the surgery on hold, not that he wants to, because it is the best thing to do. He is looking for a new job straight away even though he has 4 months left on his contract. The issue of looking for work now is, all his documentation still states he is female and he passes 100% male. In Australia (and it depends state to state) you have to have at least top surgery and some type of bottom surgery (to make infertile) to change your gender. Max is going to have to find a job that understands and is use to working with diverse people. I’m glad he has time to look for this cultural fit in a new job. Also Max will have to call his past employers and tell them of his name and gender change. It really is a total shame that he could not complete his transition at his current job as they have been really good about it.
We caught up with some friends (a couple) to talk surgery, as Richard will be having top surgery too soon, interstate as well. He stated that Dr. Bartholomeuzs told him that nipple sensation was 50/50 where he told us that is was 100%. At this stage Dr. Hassell feels like the better option. However for now, surgery is on hold.
We caught up with some friends (a couple) to talk surgery, as Richard will be having top surgery too soon, interstate as well. He stated that Dr. Bartholomeuzs told him that nipple sensation was 50/50 where he told us that is was 100%. At this stage Dr. Hassell feels like the better option. However for now, surgery is on hold.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A big decision to make
Last weekend we flew to Sydney to see Dr. Megan Hassall on Monday (7th February). We arrived on the hottest day in 4 years, 43 degrees (yuk) and we had flew out of Melbourne as it was experiencing flash floods! Funny to think that we were suppose to fly into Brisbane the day it flooded too, but had to postpone it a week. Australia, this year is not doing well with the weather.
Anyway, Max and I have seen both Dr. Bartholomeuzs and Dr. Hassell. Now Max has to make a decision as to which one to go with. We are going to be discussing it tonight, so I won’t be writing too much now. They both have their positives and negatives. At the moment, Max is messaging and talking to other transguys about their experience with surgery and the surgeons, to help him make his decision.
Anyway, Max and I have seen both Dr. Bartholomeuzs and Dr. Hassell. Now Max has to make a decision as to which one to go with. We are going to be discussing it tonight, so I won’t be writing too much now. They both have their positives and negatives. At the moment, Max is messaging and talking to other transguys about their experience with surgery and the surgeons, to help him make his decision.
Max's mum comes for a visit
The other week Max’s mother stopped by for a quick coffee on her way to the airport (as they live overseas) as we hadn’t seen her for awhile. Max was gearing up to tell her about his upcoming surgery, but was worried about how she was going to take it. I suggested that, Max could ask her how much she wants to know. When his mother arrived she realised she had left her passport at the farm, and that she will have to drive back to get it, significantly cutting into the time she was going to spend with us. Max nearly didn’t ask his mum what she wants to know about his surgery, because she was so frazzled, but I gently nuzzled him to ask. She responded very well, stating that she “of course, wants to know what is happening”. First she asked if it is genital surgery, which Max replied no. She then asked if he was going to get a penis. We both brushed this question off, as this is not on the agenda as yet.
I think many people are naturally interested in bottom surgery (genital surgery) of transsexuals, however it is a very private topic. If you are uncomfortable describing your genitals in detail to someone else, then so is a transsexual.
Max discussed with his mum about his top surgery, and she stated she supports him and wants to know what is happening. This was a huge relief for Max, though we are not sure how much we want her involved as she gets overwhelmed with people having surgery. Max’s dad just had shoulder surgery.
Throughout the visit, Max’s mum referred to him by his birth name, and I referred to Max by his name. His mum pointed out (on her own) that she is saying his birth name because she can’t bring herself to say Max yet, but that she is able to write it (in emails and on the Xmas card). We told her that how she is going is fine and that with time it will come and feel more natural. I told her that I have been calling him Max for a nearly a year now and cannot go back to his birth name. We had a very good conversation about adjusting to Max’s transition, and that we should allow for individual different in how and how quick we adjust. Overall, it was a very positive conversation.
I think many people are naturally interested in bottom surgery (genital surgery) of transsexuals, however it is a very private topic. If you are uncomfortable describing your genitals in detail to someone else, then so is a transsexual.
Max discussed with his mum about his top surgery, and she stated she supports him and wants to know what is happening. This was a huge relief for Max, though we are not sure how much we want her involved as she gets overwhelmed with people having surgery. Max’s dad just had shoulder surgery.
Throughout the visit, Max’s mum referred to him by his birth name, and I referred to Max by his name. His mum pointed out (on her own) that she is saying his birth name because she can’t bring herself to say Max yet, but that she is able to write it (in emails and on the Xmas card). We told her that how she is going is fine and that with time it will come and feel more natural. I told her that I have been calling him Max for a nearly a year now and cannot go back to his birth name. We had a very good conversation about adjusting to Max’s transition, and that we should allow for individual different in how and how quick we adjust. Overall, it was a very positive conversation.
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