Partners of Trans Society (POTS)

I have decided to start a society, for partners of trans*, as I feel there is a real lack of support groups in this area. I already run ButchFemmeTrans, however I also feel the need for something specific for partners of sex and gender diverse (SGD) people. A place were they can be free to talk and ask questions without worrying they are saying the wrong thing. We, POTs, have our own and sometimes different needs compared to cisgendered dating cisgendered, and trans* dating trans*. I don't know what it is like to be trans* and I won't pretend I do. As partners we made need to support them through surgery, talking to their families, being there through the hormone rollercoaster and so on. We have had a couple of catch ups and our next one is on in a couple of weeks. If anyone reading this blog wants to know more, just add a comment and let me know. Or you can email butchfemmmetrans@gmail for more info.
Beside this new society, there is a workshop coming up called "Supporting the Lovers" for partners and lovers of SGD click here for more info. It will be a safe place for partners to share, give and gain support. I hope it goes well.

Our Peeps

I currently feel more sense of a supportive community than I have ever before, and it is a lovely feeling. During my lesbian years I never felt totally connected and supported by the lesbian community. There have been many instances in the past where my sexuality with my appearance has been questioned (“You don’t look like a lesbian”), my dress and my sexuality (“Why do you were skirts?” and “How are we suppose to know you are a lesbian?”), my understanding of LGB culture (“Do you know what your rainbow necklace means?”), and my attendance to lesbian events (“This is a lesbian event, do you know?”) have all been questioned. This has gone on for over a decade. In the general lesbian community in Melbourne, Australia, lesbians showing femme characteristics are looked down upon.

Over three years ago, I was invited to social drinks run by ButchFemmeTrans Melbourne. I now help run this group with two other wonderful people. This group meets up monthly and I look forward to everyone. It is a lovely group of superb people, who totally understand my gender and sexuality, like I do theirs. I have made some wonderful friends. Also this group has been one of the things that continues, unchanging, since Max’s transition.

A few months back there was a special party night for Femmes. It felt wonderful to be celebrated! No one picking on me for wearing a dress to a queer event, no one questioning my sexuality or gender expression, everyone letting me be and celebrating what and who I am.

Also I have met many people in the sex and gender diverse (SGD) community and groups too, that have been very welcoming, giving Max and myself a wonderful sense of belonging. Recently I have started a small social group for partners of trans*. It has only met up twice but already I feel supported and lucky to have such amazing people to be friends with.

I had a dream ...

A few nights back I had a dream in which Max was post top surgery. The dream was not about Max having surgery, it just happened to have Max in it post surgery. I don’t actually remember what the focus of the dream was, or even if it had a theme or topic (you know what dreams a like). However what I remember is that Max and I were chatting outside in the sun. Max was smiling and shirtless. In the dream, my eyes quickly flickered over his chest scars that were faded, and I noticed that I had a clear sense of how normal this all was. Max being outside, shirtless with his male chest, how this was always meant to be.

After waking from the dream, Max’s post surgery chest felt familiar instead of strange. I noticed that I felt a fundamental change towards total comfort and that I was not so worried about the unknown, as it no longer felt unknown. This dream really let me become familiar with Max’s new chest, before the surgery has even happened. I believe that I was worried about the significant change that top surgery will bring so suddenly, as opposed to the slow changes of T. I really enjoyed this dream and the impact it has on me about feeling more at ease with his top surgery.

On hold

I think I have been mentally blocking from doing more posts, and I think I know why. Since we have both been looking for new jobs and Max's surgery has been on hold, I just haven’t' thought about writing blogs. I have been recording ideas for future posts but have not had the motivation to write. It is really unfortunate that Max's transition feels like it is on hold. Everything was rolling along and now we don't even know when Max's top surgery is going to happening. Anyway, hopefully everything will settle down soon and things will get rolling again (and that my posts will return).

Questions and an interesting observation

I thought that I would ask people who are reading this blog, do you have any questions for me? So if you wisk to ask me a question, you can comment on this post.

Also I have realised that now when I watch TV shows, or movies or listen to music, I can fit Max's and I relationship into the context of that media. I have never had this before as I have been in same-sex relationships. Again it just highlights how hetero-normative society is. I would like to see more queer/gay represented in the media of the world.

3 years ago – when we met

Max and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary yesterday, so I thought it was timely to blog about how we met. Three and a bit years ago I found myself single and just wanting a bit of fun as I had left a tumultuous 6 month relationship, which had followed a serious 2 year relationship. So fun was my priority. I went on to a lesbian dating/community website, I had been on this website off and on for a few years. I never really liked the website as I found it very vanilla with a pinch on 80-90s radical feminism. I should confess that I am not in line with radical feminism, the ones that wear jean overalls and hate men. I find that these feminists only like women to behave a certain way, and being Femme was not to their liking. Don’t get me wrong, feminism has been a wonderful thing for women and society in general. I just don’t understand how some can fight for women’s rights and then say the only way to be a woman is their way. Feminism should mean that a woman has the chance to be a woman any way she chooses. Anyway I digress, I went on the lesbian website (as it really is the only one that has a big enough potential dating pool) and did a search for Butch. Only eight came up, this lesbian website does not encourage Butches, Femmes, Trans and generally queer people. Well Max was on top of the list and he has his photo up (cute, I thought), so I gave him a ‘hello’. He said hello back, so I messaged that I am not into internet chatting so let’s meet up for coffee. He agreed, so we meet up for coffee then had dinner. We got along very well, and we were both looking for only “casual encounters”. Max was a year out of a 10 year relationship. The dinner went well and I ended up at his place. I decided not to spend the night, as I was keen not to send any messages of wanting a relationship (as I really was not looking for one). Anyway, we agreed that we were happy to have a casual relationship and not see each other anymore than once per fortnight.

Well that didn’t last long. We started seeing each once per week the next week! It is hard to say no to great sex. Within about 4 weeks I started to crush hard, I was really falling for him. I realise when we were hanging out I was becoming nervous around him because I liked him so much, he picked this up and teased me about it. Later he admits he did this so he looked all cool and casual, even though he didn’t feel cool and casual. I think about six weeks in, I confessed to him that I really liked him, he still played it cool. So we continued on seeing each other once to twice a week for few weeks, and finally we spoke really openly about our feelings for each other and not wanting it to end and become official. We acknowledge what we were practically in was a relationship so let’s keep going. Our relationship was just so much fun. We get along on many levels and have very similar views on relationships and life in general. Out of all of my relationships, this relationship has been so easy. Fun, easy, wonderful, safe, exciting, comfortable, what more could I want!

For most of my lesbian relationships I have run them very slow, for example not moving in for at least a year of going out, keeping things separate for as long as possible I guess. However with Max I was practically moved in within four or five months of first meeting. Such a ‘lesbian’ thing and we joked about that, because we knew we were not mainstream lesbians. I should highlight the ‘practically moved in’ means that I still continued to pay rent elsewhere, but slowly moved all my clothes over and didn’t spend a night were I rented. I was in my final year of my doctorate, and didn’t want to move in with someone and possible break up with them and move out in the last year of my dissertation. So I did not move in with Max until January 2010. We bought a house together in October 2010. We registered our relationship on the state register at around the same time. This is the most committed relationship I have ever been in, and it is funny to think that it was never supposed to be that way. I love our relationship. Max may have physically changed in many ways, however the foundations that we built together has never changed, and I don’t think they will anytime soon.

Max's Manniversary

Today is Max’s one year on testosterone. I really cannot believe that it has been one full year. I remember clearly, a year ago, of having the desire to jump ahead 12 months to have a look and see if everything was going to be alright. I obviously had fears such as not liking Max on testosterone, not being attracted to him, personality changing, problems with communication, losing my identity to name a few. So it feels funny to compare my fears to how I currently feel. I have no regrets for Max to transition and I never felt any grief (which some partners of transguys report). I believe he makes a very sexy, handsome man (well if I am going to be with a man, we might as well be sexy and handsome). His personality has not changed, well personality is hard to define at the best of times, so I mean he has not become some aggressive, egocentric person. He still has the same values, treats me and everyone with respect, he is a thoughtful and hard working person, all things I love about him. What has changed is his confidence, he can socialise with more ease, he holds his head up when we are out, and he believes in himself. I totally adore these outcomes, it was so hard before he started T with trying to get him out of the house and to loosen up and have fun, as he was so depressed. In regards to communication changes, I have adapted quite well. Max defiantly talks less. Also I have noticed that if I want to have a deep conversation with its best if I wait until he is in the right mood. However, generally we do communicate well, I may need to be a bit more overt with my emotions and expressing my needs, but as long as I communicate clearly everything is alright. Our relationship has a very firm foundation that we have worked on our entire relationship (nearly 3 years together), which has gotten us through the tough times. In regards to my identity, I have noticed a bit of a change. Before I would identify as a Femme lesbian, now I have dropped the lesbian and just say Femme or maybe Queer Femme with a lesbian history if I need to say more.
Thinking about the history of Femmes, they have always dated genderqueer/trans*, the names might have changed (i.e., passing women in the early 1900s, butch in the 1950s, trans* 2000s [I am generalising to make a point]) but femmes have always dated those on the fringe of gender expression. Some historical text allude to the female partners of the ‘passing women’ where fooled and didn’t know their partner was a woman and not a man. This is such a joke Femmes know who they are and who they date. I just think that more Femmes are dating transguys now because society now has the ability to assist genderqueer/trans* to medically transition if they wish, and I believe many of the ‘passing women’ of the old days would have medically transitioned if they could. Now, I should state, in case people don’t know, there is a huge difference between Femmes and Lipstick Lesbians. Lipsticks date other Lipsticks and Femmes date Butches/Genderqueers/Trans (on the masculine side). The reason the terms are different is to help with dating, as Lipsticks can look like Femmes and vice versa. Femmes have the understanding of dating Butches/Genderqueers/Trans, for example they understanding the need for a soft place to land at home (as it can be hard to be who they are out in society), also that you may need to check out the toilet situation at restaurants and report back to them etc. [Disclaimer, people are free to label themselves and date whoever they want, I am just reporting on my background].

Last Friday we went to Misty’s Diner, a 1950s retro diner, to celebrate his Manniversary with 20 of our closest friends. We had a great time, and Max was on fire, chatting to everyone and having a great time. Even the owner, Misty, wanted to hire him as he was doing such a good job coordinating all the food orders. To digress, I have noticed that there is an attraction to the 1950s from the butch/femme/trans/queer community, and I think this has to do with the well defined gender norms of the times. Women were very feminine and men were very masculine, think Mad Men TV show. Now I am not saying the butch/femme/trans/queers are very strict about gender norms, as they tend to tnterpret it their own queer way. For example, one thing that I have noticed is that many Femmes who date genderqueers/butches/transguys, and are attracted to expressing 1950s femininity tend to have a number of rocker-billy tattoos, mixed in with their gorgeous pencil skirts, and head scarfs. Max and I have our own attraction to the 1950s too; both of us love the clothes and the furniture. Anyway, so back to the night, it was a very fun celebration. All our friends (straight, gay, queer, trans*) have been so supportive and it was great to give thanks to their role in our lives. I have to say, I have not had one bad experience. Not even my hairdresser, or my osteopath even batted an eye lid when I explained why my partner has changed his name (and pronouns). I keep getting myself ready for a negative response, by being on guard, but nothing bad has happened. I am so thrilled about this. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have been wonderfully kind and compassionate.

If I could talk to myself 12 months ago I would say, “You won’t lose your partner, you will gain through this experience, some times are tough, but overall it will be positive”.