14 weeks on T

The last two weeks have been very up and down with a lot going on. Max’s mood swings have stabilised since being on 250, which has been a relief for both of us. Two weeks ago Max spoke to his Mum on the phone and it was a really positive, though difficult, conversation. His Mum was very honest about her feelings, not only to herself but to Max, which I think is a good thing as it is easier to deal with honesty than people pretending everything is alright. During this phone conversation, his parents gave their support and understanding but also admitted that they need time to process it all. His Mum is planning on going to Cleveland where other members of the extended family live so she can get some support. Max and I think it is a good idea, as his Mum is a bit isolated in Singapore and the extended family in Cleveland understand Max’s transition and are supportive of it. However since the phone conversation two weeks ago, Max has not spoken to his parents. Actually he hasn’t spoken to his Dad at all since telling them. Max was getting worried that as time lapsed and his voice deepened, that it might be harder for his parents to deal with the changes of the transition. He sent them an email explaining this. However the day his Dad received the email was the day that his Dad was going to ring him, but his Dad decided not to ring him (rang his brother instead). His Dad said that the email shocked him (about the voice changes) and that he could not bring himself to call Max. We understand that they need time to adjust to the huge news, and we (Max and I) have decided to let them set the pace of giving them information. Since his Dad has reported to be no longer coping he is going to go to Cleveland too, which we think will be really good for him too. I think that Max’s Dad no longer coping is really a sign that it is starting to sink in, thus no longer denial and will be on the path of acceptance. We saw Max’s brother and sister-in-law yesterday and they are doing really well now. I think they still do not understand the changes T will bring, but they are being supportive. They also still use “she” and Max’s birth name, but they have not told their children yet so we understand. They are planning on telling them soon.

On Wednesday I went to see a psychologist for myself. We thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to talk to that it is not directly involved in the situation. A lot of my close friends have offered me to call them anytime to talk about this, and I feel really honoured to have such wonderful friends. However I do feel uncomfortable talking to friends about my relationship with Max, especially the difficult parts, as this can influence people’s perceptions of our relationship. Having a psychologist who has experience in this area should be helpful and a safe place to explore all the thoughts that run through my mind. Even though I only have had one session, and most of it was about the background story, we still got to discuss some really interesting points that I had not thought of before. We talked about having (being involved in) a relationship that is beyond gender. We do in this society get really caught up in the binary gender dichotomy. It is really interesting to think about the person you are with, not how they look, not how they present to the world, not how they dress or their mannerisms, but about their values, moral and the way the treat you. I am not dating Max because of his gender (maybe this is how we meet and it started), but I stay with him because of how he treats me, how well we work together, his view of the world and most importantly his values and morals. Also the psychologist and I talked about labels. This is something that I am struggling with time to time. After spending the last 12-13 years identifying as a lesbian, I wonder if I can continue to do this - probably not. Max and I will not be able to attend lesbian events together, not that we have for awhile. I could identify as queer, but that label just seems too broad for me. When I listen to the gay radio station they talk about the GLBTI community and I wonder which letter is for me? There is no letter or label for someone who is dating a transguy. After speaking to the psychologist I feel comfortable with I identify as ‘with Max’ than any particular label.

Overview of the last two weeks

It will be Max's second T shot tomorrow, so I thought I would write a post about the last two weeks. The effects of T have been mild, as it was only the first shot, but they will still noticable. The effects that we notice were; increased sweating, higher body temperature, some pimples, oilier skin, some fat re-distribution, increased strength and muscle growth (I notive when I hug him he feels harder, which I actually fine quite pleasant!), increased energy, increased sex drive, happier mood (but with some moodiness that resulted in some tears) and some voice changes with a sore throat. As it draws nearer to the second shot (one every 2 weeks), Max reported that he could feel some of the effects wearing off. His voice was back to before T, as was his energy levels and sex drive. The other thing I should note it that, some of the changes may not be directly linked to the T, but the decrease of his low mood could be making an impact. Either way I have been so relieved that he is feeling happier about himself.

Also during the last two weeks, we have both been coming out to a lot more people. The great thing is that we have had not one negative response, overtly or covertly. I am so grateful for the wonderful friends we have. They are our chosen family. We predict, however, that there will be a few negative reponses. One being his family and another friend of Max's who has strong feelings about transitiong. It is such a shame that people can have a hard time with this. I understand that people might not understand transitioning, but there is no need to take it personally or get angry about it. If you know Max, you should not be really surprise about this news. Actually, when we have told people no one has been surprise, and we have had comments such as "I thought that might be on the cards" and "I am not surprised".

The hardest thing for us to have coped with this last two weeks would be gearing up for Max to tell his parents. I guess you just never know how people will react and that causes anxiety. As I said before, there has been some moodiness and it may have to do with the T, but I also feel that the stress of telling this parents have contributed to it.

Thanks to everyone for the love and support.

Told my Mum

Max and I drove down to see my Mum yesterday to get her internet organised for her. We had planned that we would tell her today, so I had with me a fact sheet from the NSW Gender Centre entitled "the transsexual person in your life". It is very well written fact sheet explaining terminology, hypothesised caues and website/resources, thus we thought it would be a great starting point for her.

We started the conversation with "You know how butch Jen is ..." and went from there. I felt so nervous, but Mum was SO GOOD. She did not even bat an eyelid. She sat and listened, then told us that she has a friend Sarah who use to be a man. She din't really ask many questions, but it is still early days. We told her about what the changes will be in regards to taking T and having surgery (we did not go into detail about surgery as we did not want ot overwhelm her). We also told her that we have already changed pronouns and that Max has officially changed his name. She picked it up immediately, though she did say that she might forget from time to time. We told her that, we make mistakes too about it, and that we would never jump down someone's throat for this, if it is by accident. We spoke about telling my Dad and how he might reaction and also our nervousness of telling Max's parents. Mum gave her support and love. We could not have hoped for it to have gone any better. She texted me later that night saying "Hi S and Max, just read your paper. Quite interesting! You absolutely have my support. Love Mum".

My Mum is wonderful!