Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Going to Brisbane tomorrow
Yesterday Max and I heard from the surgeon's receptionist in regards to making a new appointment. Max was super nice, as he totally understands that, having to cancel the appointments was completely out of their control. Initially, Max could not get an appointment until 16th of February. However a little while later the receptionist called back and told Max that there was a cancelation for this Thursday. She asked if we could organise ourselves to fly up in two days. Max organised it all, so now we are going tomorrow. It is very exciting to get the ball rolling again.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Floods
On Thursday Max and I were suppose to fly to Brisbane for the day so Max could see a surgeon for consultation of top surgery. We booked this nearly 4 months ago, and both of us (Max especially) were looking forward to starting the road to surgery. However, Queensland has suffered from devastating floods, including Brisbane. The hospital cancelled all appointments, and are not rescheduling until things have settled down, which we totally understand. My thoughts are with all Australians who have been affected by floods, including Victorians, Queenslanders and New South Welsh-people. At the moment QLD has been the worst hit.
If you would like to donate to a good cause, here is a link to help affected LGBT Queenslanders
If you would like to donate to a good cause, here is a link to help affected LGBT Queenslanders
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Max's family
This Xmas Max’s mum addressed the Xmas cards to Max. This was so good to see and made him extremely happy. The family are really doing so much better. Max’s mum still comments that Max really hasn't changed much, and this is okay with us, because this means that the transitioning is not scary too her, as she still sees her child. Max’s dad doesn't talk about it, but will say that he is supportive and leaves it at that, again this is fine with us too. Also Max’s brother and sister in law have also told their children. The eldest, who is 10 years old boy, was very interested and seemed to be quiet excepting about it. While the youngest, 7 year old girl, was not interested to talk about it. We are relieved that they have finally told the children.
Max went down to the family farm the day after Boxing Day, I didn’t go. Max’s mother told us that we are not allowed to tell his grandmother about his transition, therefore at the farm he will be called by his birth name. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t go; as I cannot go back to using his birth name (also I was still in grief from my friend’s death). I also think it is a little naive to think that grandma doesn’t know what is going on, but I guess denial can be a powerful force. Max reported when he got back that one night they had a games night and his niece suggested girls vs. boys, and Max stated let’s not do that, and everyone had a big laugh. Even though his niece did not want to hear about the transition, she hardly left Max’s side at the farm. Overall, at the farm everything went really well, and the family are able to see that Max is still the same person, but happier. When he got back, though, he asked me to call him Max a couple of times.
Max went down to the family farm the day after Boxing Day, I didn’t go. Max’s mother told us that we are not allowed to tell his grandmother about his transition, therefore at the farm he will be called by his birth name. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t go; as I cannot go back to using his birth name (also I was still in grief from my friend’s death). I also think it is a little naive to think that grandma doesn’t know what is going on, but I guess denial can be a powerful force. Max reported when he got back that one night they had a games night and his niece suggested girls vs. boys, and Max stated let’s not do that, and everyone had a big laugh. Even though his niece did not want to hear about the transition, she hardly left Max’s side at the farm. Overall, at the farm everything went really well, and the family are able to see that Max is still the same person, but happier. When he got back, though, he asked me to call him Max a couple of times.
9 months on T
It’s just over 9 months since Max has been on T. He passes all the time and is so much happier. The changes on T are gradual, especially when you see the person every day, as I do. We have been documenting the changes using photos, measurements (arms, waist, legs, butt etc.) voice, hairiness and mood. I have complied all of these into a PowerPoint presentation, and the other day I went back to the start and realised how much he has changed. His shoulders are considerably larger, as are all his muscles (he loves his muscles), fat redistribution is also another major change. When I hug him he feels harder. His jaw line is more prominent, his skin appears rougher, he shaves a few times a week (but admits he should shave every two days). Kissing him on days he has not shaved I can feel the stubble, though it is not as visible as it is going to get. I have to say I really don't have experience kissing people with stubble, because the last time I had a boyfriend was back in high school and he didn’t even have facial hair yet. This is something else to get use to, but I am doing well with coping with the changes. I have adjusted to his lower voice now, and recognise it on the phone, though it is funny when I hear his voice message (recorded 4 months ago) is higher.
Overall I have to admit I am doing really well with the changes. Mostly when he points out another change, for example, more hair on his belly, I always have a bit of a giggle. Watching Max become more confident, more social and so much happier makes it very easy to deal with the changes. Next week we are flying to Brisbane to see a surgeon for a consult for top surgery. Max can’t wait to get his ‘chesticles’ off. I realised that his surgery will bring a big change suddenly as opposed to the gradual changes with T. Oh well, it will be such a relief for Max to have top surgery; no more binding, no more wearing t-shirts during sex, no more avoiding looking in mirrors topless. Top surgery should be some time in April, and Max is counting down.
Overall I have to admit I am doing really well with the changes. Mostly when he points out another change, for example, more hair on his belly, I always have a bit of a giggle. Watching Max become more confident, more social and so much happier makes it very easy to deal with the changes. Next week we are flying to Brisbane to see a surgeon for a consult for top surgery. Max can’t wait to get his ‘chesticles’ off. I realised that his surgery will bring a big change suddenly as opposed to the gradual changes with T. Oh well, it will be such a relief for Max to have top surgery; no more binding, no more wearing t-shirts during sex, no more avoiding looking in mirrors topless. Top surgery should be some time in April, and Max is counting down.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Unprepared
November post - Sorry I have been away, life just gets in the way sometimes.
A few weeks ago, Max and I were invited to go to a gay male venue that was having an open day (all could attend including females and heterosexuals). I wanted to go, as did Max, as in the future Max has expressed an interest in going to a gay male venue just to see what it is like (not to participate as we are not in an open relationship, nor has he expressed any interest in sexual activities with men).
So Max and I went with John and Judy. About 30 minutes into our time there and a drunk 50-something gay man asked me “Does my hubby let me come to places like this?” I was so taken back that I didn’t even respond. Max ended up responding for me, and he stated “It’s fine with me”, nodding as he said it, to tell the gay guy that I am with Max. Next the gay guy shook his head and said “No, you’re with him” and pointed to John. I was totally in shock. Here I am in a gay venue being read as a fag-hag that has to ask her hubby if it is okay to come along. I was so unprepared for something like this to happen, especially in a gay venue. I ended up becoming really upset.
Later, Max and I had a disagreement that ended with the comment by Max “let’s talk about this with a psychologist”. I was a bit taken back by this comment as I felt he had something really big to tell me. I made an appointment for us to see my psychologist (as we had been to his a couple of times, and I wanted my psychologist to meet Max).
At the psychologist we discussed why I became so upset at the gay venue. It really came down to two things; 1) I do not like being read as a straight, married fag-hag, because I feel like I lose my queer identity, which goes to the second point, 2) can I out Max as a transguy so I don’t lose my queer identity. I think that the disagreement we had actually all came down to the 2nd point. I didn’t out Max at the Laird, as I thought it was not appropriate, but I wanted to ask when it was appropriate for me to do so. I guess I felt that because it is his transition, I really don’t have as much of a say. The thing is, when I am on my own (as a femme lesbian) I am invisible, however when I am with my partner (butch lesbian) then I become visible (as a lesbian). Now because Max has transitioned, we are now both invisible, or he gets read as a gay man. I think I got upset that day, as Max still was seen as queer, when I wasn’t. The session with the psychologist went really well. Max said that he is happy to be outed at some events (he know has a t-shirt that says “tranny boy”) and that it is still okay if I continue to identify as a lesbian (which I still feel a bit funny about).
I guess it is still going to take some time to get use to, and coming up is Midsumma http://www.midsumma.org.au/ and I am already thinking about how this one will be the first one, when both Max and I are invisible. At least, he has the t-shirt to wear to the big events, and I will practice not worrying about what people might think.
[I want to dedicate this post to a friend that passed away in a tragic accident. Em, I miss you so much, and I so wish that you didn’t leave us so early. You were one of my first friends I told about Max’s transition and you were so supportive and understanding. I really wish you were here to see how Max will grow into the man he was always going to be. I will miss all your emails, phone calls and visits. And I will miss our friendship. Love S]
A few weeks ago, Max and I were invited to go to a gay male venue that was having an open day (all could attend including females and heterosexuals). I wanted to go, as did Max, as in the future Max has expressed an interest in going to a gay male venue just to see what it is like (not to participate as we are not in an open relationship, nor has he expressed any interest in sexual activities with men).
So Max and I went with John and Judy. About 30 minutes into our time there and a drunk 50-something gay man asked me “Does my hubby let me come to places like this?” I was so taken back that I didn’t even respond. Max ended up responding for me, and he stated “It’s fine with me”, nodding as he said it, to tell the gay guy that I am with Max. Next the gay guy shook his head and said “No, you’re with him” and pointed to John. I was totally in shock. Here I am in a gay venue being read as a fag-hag that has to ask her hubby if it is okay to come along. I was so unprepared for something like this to happen, especially in a gay venue. I ended up becoming really upset.
Later, Max and I had a disagreement that ended with the comment by Max “let’s talk about this with a psychologist”. I was a bit taken back by this comment as I felt he had something really big to tell me. I made an appointment for us to see my psychologist (as we had been to his a couple of times, and I wanted my psychologist to meet Max).
At the psychologist we discussed why I became so upset at the gay venue. It really came down to two things; 1) I do not like being read as a straight, married fag-hag, because I feel like I lose my queer identity, which goes to the second point, 2) can I out Max as a transguy so I don’t lose my queer identity. I think that the disagreement we had actually all came down to the 2nd point. I didn’t out Max at the Laird, as I thought it was not appropriate, but I wanted to ask when it was appropriate for me to do so. I guess I felt that because it is his transition, I really don’t have as much of a say. The thing is, when I am on my own (as a femme lesbian) I am invisible, however when I am with my partner (butch lesbian) then I become visible (as a lesbian). Now because Max has transitioned, we are now both invisible, or he gets read as a gay man. I think I got upset that day, as Max still was seen as queer, when I wasn’t. The session with the psychologist went really well. Max said that he is happy to be outed at some events (he know has a t-shirt that says “tranny boy”) and that it is still okay if I continue to identify as a lesbian (which I still feel a bit funny about).
I guess it is still going to take some time to get use to, and coming up is Midsumma http://www.midsumma.org.au/ and I am already thinking about how this one will be the first one, when both Max and I are invisible. At least, he has the t-shirt to wear to the big events, and I will practice not worrying about what people might think.
[I want to dedicate this post to a friend that passed away in a tragic accident. Em, I miss you so much, and I so wish that you didn’t leave us so early. You were one of my first friends I told about Max’s transition and you were so supportive and understanding. I really wish you were here to see how Max will grow into the man he was always going to be. I will miss all your emails, phone calls and visits. And I will miss our friendship. Love S]
Monday, October 25, 2010
My jobs
One of my jobs I have recently resigned. In summary I was being bullied and taken for granted. Therefore I have been quiet stressed lately. The thing is, if my partner was diagnosed with Lupus or Diabetes or even broke their legs, I would have felt comfortable saying to my boss, “My partner has just been diagnosed with ...” so that my boss would lay off me for a while. However, I did not feel comfortable telling my boss that my partner is transitioning from female to male. It is just too personal the information, but at the same time I want some understanding of my life and the extra stress I am under. I think this situation highlights the stigma of gender variant people and that this stigma is an added stress of being a partner.
My other job is going really well, and they have offered me more work – doing the same thing but at another facility. Since I started this job, I have used male pronouns when talking about my partner. However one of the psychologist at the other facility I did my doctorate with, and they know that I identify as lesbian (or I did during the doctorate - not sure how I identify anymore). I guess I had not thought about running into people in my past.
I have not kept up with contacts from the doctorate. I was a bit on the outer, I think due to being gay. Actually I was the only girl in the class not invite to baby showers and hen’s nights. This actually really hurt my feelings, as I would still like to go to these events, and people should not jump to conclusions based on sexual preferences. Anyway, even though I am friends with many on facebook, I have not contacted any of my ex-fellow students to give them updates on my life. Actually not one of my friends commented (on facebook) on the name change of Max.
So now I have to speak to Linda before I start using male pronouns at the new facility as I don’t want to be seen as a liar (similar thoughts as before). I am not sure what she has said to the others, she could have outed me as lesbian before I start. I am actually quiet anxious about this situation. I do want to be honest to Linda and talk to her; I just hope I get the time.
My other job is going really well, and they have offered me more work – doing the same thing but at another facility. Since I started this job, I have used male pronouns when talking about my partner. However one of the psychologist at the other facility I did my doctorate with, and they know that I identify as lesbian (or I did during the doctorate - not sure how I identify anymore). I guess I had not thought about running into people in my past.
I have not kept up with contacts from the doctorate. I was a bit on the outer, I think due to being gay. Actually I was the only girl in the class not invite to baby showers and hen’s nights. This actually really hurt my feelings, as I would still like to go to these events, and people should not jump to conclusions based on sexual preferences. Anyway, even though I am friends with many on facebook, I have not contacted any of my ex-fellow students to give them updates on my life. Actually not one of my friends commented (on facebook) on the name change of Max.
So now I have to speak to Linda before I start using male pronouns at the new facility as I don’t want to be seen as a liar (similar thoughts as before). I am not sure what she has said to the others, she could have outed me as lesbian before I start. I am actually quiet anxious about this situation. I do want to be honest to Linda and talk to her; I just hope I get the time.
Monday, October 4, 2010
The road to surgery
It is customary in Australia for a transguy to be on T for 12 months before top surgery. Firstly a definition - top surgery is removal of the breasts with a chest reconstruction into a male chest, it is not a mastectomy. Max has been on T for 6 months now, and with every passing day he is becoming more and more restless to get his “chesticles” (what he calls them) off. They (still not sure who it is that is making these decisions) believe that 12 months is a good time, as by this stage the pectoral muscles have developed into a more masculine shape making it easier for the surgeon to reconstruct into a male chest. Anyway, Max thought it would be good to start doing some research, which I am not against, but thought that it might fuel his eagerness to get them off. Surprisingly, there are only 4 surgeons in the whole of Australia that do this type of surgery. Additionally the only one in Melbourne (there is one in Perth, one in Brisbane and one in Sydney) is 70 years old and about to retire. Therefore we are limited to three. Max didn’t find any information on the one in Perth, however did find some photos of previous top surgery for the ones in Brisbane and Sydney. So Max started getting ready to organise surgery. I thought it was a little early but I was wrong. The following is in Max’s words.
So I thought I would jump the gun and book my consult for surgery this morning. I'm a little anxious about budget and what Medicare and my health fund would cover so I thought I'd get on top of things to reduce my anxiety. Clearly I haven’t learnt from my past experiences, which in relation to medical transition (booking appointments, etc) have been quite stressful. This turned out to be no different.
Research into procedures and results over the past few weeks has led me to choose Megan Hassall in Sydney for my top surgery. So I called her rooms this morning and was informed that the next available consult is in February 2011. I booked my appointment, got all the pertinent information and was told to bring both a referral and a letter from my psychiatrist. Given that I’m hoping to get my procedure done in April 2011, it feels like cutting it a bit fine. But OK.
Given that I have chosen to go with an interstate surgeon, I’m wondering what the role of the local gender clinic is for me. I am a patient of the clinic and I’m wondering why. So I called them this morning. (I called them last week to begin these discussions about surgery, but the clinic is only open on Tuesday and Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get in touch with them until today.) I explained that I am seeing their psychiatrist as a private patient at his private rooms, that I am seeing a psychologist as a private patient and that I have booked my consult for surgery in NSW as a private patient. “So I am wondering what the clinic’s role is in my patient journey?” The response was very unclear – perhaps if you needed to see a social worker or another psychologist or someone else here. Like who??? How many mental health professionals can one person see? Given the complexity of my questions (really??) the receptionist had already put me through to someone else and this was the quality of response. I’m not sure what is more shocking – the fact that no one there is able to explain things to an intelligent, engaged and enquiring person or the fact that this person didn’t even know that Megan Hassall performs top surgery for FTMs.
The medical transition process has been an incredibly frustrating and often confusing journey so far.
So I thought I would jump the gun and book my consult for surgery this morning. I'm a little anxious about budget and what Medicare and my health fund would cover so I thought I'd get on top of things to reduce my anxiety. Clearly I haven’t learnt from my past experiences, which in relation to medical transition (booking appointments, etc) have been quite stressful. This turned out to be no different.
Research into procedures and results over the past few weeks has led me to choose Megan Hassall in Sydney for my top surgery. So I called her rooms this morning and was informed that the next available consult is in February 2011. I booked my appointment, got all the pertinent information and was told to bring both a referral and a letter from my psychiatrist. Given that I’m hoping to get my procedure done in April 2011, it feels like cutting it a bit fine. But OK.
Given that I have chosen to go with an interstate surgeon, I’m wondering what the role of the local gender clinic is for me. I am a patient of the clinic and I’m wondering why. So I called them this morning. (I called them last week to begin these discussions about surgery, but the clinic is only open on Tuesday and Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get in touch with them until today.) I explained that I am seeing their psychiatrist as a private patient at his private rooms, that I am seeing a psychologist as a private patient and that I have booked my consult for surgery in NSW as a private patient. “So I am wondering what the clinic’s role is in my patient journey?” The response was very unclear – perhaps if you needed to see a social worker or another psychologist or someone else here. Like who??? How many mental health professionals can one person see? Given the complexity of my questions (really??) the receptionist had already put me through to someone else and this was the quality of response. I’m not sure what is more shocking – the fact that no one there is able to explain things to an intelligent, engaged and enquiring person or the fact that this person didn’t even know that Megan Hassall performs top surgery for FTMs.
The medical transition process has been an incredibly frustrating and often confusing journey so far.
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