Clothes Shopping plus Body/Gender Dysphoria does not equal Happiness

Max’s body shape is changing quite a bit, and a lot of his clothes are not fitting him so well anymore. He did not want to go shopping until he was happy with his body, but he was running out of things to wear - so he had to suck it up and go shopping. We were in the city after work on a Wednesday night, and before meeting up with some new friends.
Now, some background might be in order. Max did not like clothes shopping before starting his transition. He especially dislikes shop assistance who try to talk to him and offer assistance. We had a really good pattern down, we would walk in and I would start a mundane conversation with the shop assistant to distract them, while Max would look at clothes. This worked quite well.
We went into a big department store, because usually there are less shop assistants to deal with, but for some reason they were everywhere. We were looking at knitted vests and jumpers for the winter weather. Max was a bit ‘touchy’ as soon as we walked in. I was asking what he was interested in buying and he replied “Wool vests, not cotton. Cotton is too clingy”. The touchiness escalated as we couldn’t fine pure wool vests or that the vests were to thin or small. Max kept saying “I cannot wear clingy clothes, people will notice I have breasts.” This is the point where a shop assistant came up to ask us if we need any help. Max cracked it, and muttered under his breath about helping hide his ‘chesticles’ (what he now calls his breasts). I quickly stepped in and ushered the shop assistant away. We finally found some wool vests and jumpers (and they were on sale too), and Max assisted on getting the biggest size he could manage to wear. This is when it dawned on me – clothes’s shopping is not fun when you have body/gender dysphoria and if we can avoid it as much as possible it would be a good thing.
One super important thing that I have learnt about coping with Max’s transition is to not take any of the moodiness personally and to be there for him when he is not coping well. This has helped me be there for him when things are really difficult for him instead of becoming an extra element to the issue.

Told my Dad

Life is busy and I have meant to post earlier, but it just didn't happen. Well two weeks ago I meet up with my Dad to tell him about Max's transition. I was really nervous about telling him. I actually nervous about telling anybody, as I don't want to deal with a negative reaction. I have noticed that you try to predict how people will respond, however it is really hard to predict how people will react to your partner changing their gender, as it is really uncommon. In regards to Dad, I thought that he could go either of two ways. He could think it is just too queer and weird, and not cope at all. Or he could be very supportive as we have noticed that he treats Max like a man anyway. Actually the last time dad came to visit, Max and him talked about fixing the bedroom door and buying men's clothes.
I waited until it was dessert time to tell Dad, so if it goes wrong then we can escape from each other quickly. I started the conversation the same as I did with Mum. Dad listened well, his eyes were wide open and he was taking everything in. When I got up to the part of the story about Max taking his middle name, this is when Dad started to smile. Dad had recently changed his name to his middle name, as he did not like his birth name. Dad responded that he was really glad that Max is having the courage to live his life his way. He next stated that he has always treated Max like a man, which I replied we (Max and I) are grateful for. I was so relieved that Dad had taked it so well. Even during the conversation he started using Max's new name. I was not worried that Dad kept using female pronouns, as I told him when the T starts making more changes, the pronoun change will come more naturally. At the end of the dinner Dad told me to go home and tell Max that he is proud that Max has the courage to be honest and active to live [his] life [his] way. I am very impressed with my family's reactions, they have been and are FANTASTIC.

We are still gearing up to tell Max's parents. Max has written his final draft (it took a few as it is such an important letter) and his ready to send it soon. I guess I should say that we are telling his parents through a letter for a few reasons.
1) His parents live overseas and they won't be back in Australia until September (and a lot of changes will have occured by then).
2) It is actually recommended to tell parents by letter as they have a chance to absorb the news before reacting, and
3) We don't want to be present for the first reaction, as this could ruin relationships.
We realised after telling Max's brother that it is not always the best thing to be there for the initial reaction, as emotions can escalate and reaction can change as the information is absorbed and processed (Max's brother is much better about the whole thing). We are still very nervous about telling them, but I think it will be good to get it over with and deal with their reactions as they occur rather then trying to anticipate their reactions.

An observation

I know I had a post a couple of months ago about starting a new job and if I should come out or not. Well at home we are using male pronouns and his new name, so I just continued this at work. I have only been there for a few weeks and coversations about personal life only have just started. I noticed a really interesting observation. In the past people often assume that I am straight (as I am very feminine looking), and I correct them as soon as they ask about my boyfriend/husband. I then, generally, get a funny look; awkwardness, questions about being gay or statements about not looking gay. I am pretty much use to this. However, at work they asked me about where I live and what my partner does and I just answered the questions. I used his name and male pronouns. I got no weird looks, no awkward pauses, and no questions about my sexuality. I felt normal. The thing about this observation is that I realise that even though gay people are becoming more accepted, we, as a society, still have a long way to go. I believe wholeheartedly that we need equal rights and gay marriage. It is funny to think after being a lesbian since the age of 18 (I'm now 30), that if my partner changes their gender, then we can actually get legally married. But if he did not, we could not, even though it is the same love and we are still the same people. I have also recently found out that our government (Australia) makes people divorce if one them undergoes sexual reassignment, so that they cannot be in a same sex marriage.
I do have to say that it felt NICE to feel normal and I hope that gay and queer relationships are seen as normal (or at least not weird) in the generaly community soon, and I believe that legalising gay marriage would help this.

Update on brother and physical changes

We went to the nephew's 11th birthday party yesterday (David and Susan's son), Max reported beforehand that he was a little nervous about going. He was worried about being introduced as Jennifer and as David's sister. We have not actually seen David since we told them (Max did see Susan last week and that went well). The party was at on of those laser gun tag things (and we had a great time shooting kids!). Since the party was at this kind of place there were no parents, so no introduction occurred which was great. However the best thing was that David and Susan were just normal. Nothing was mentioned and no one acted weird. We are happy with this outcome. We know that when the changes are more obvious things might change a bit, but the more David and Susan act normal the better we think things will go.

So an update on the changes, I think I should mention. It has been 6 weeks since Max started T. The main changes include muscle growth and fat redistribution (we have been taking fortnightly measurements), acne (Max has to use Proactive twice a day to keep on top of it, and he says his face still hurts), facial hair (minor but noticeable to touch around the side burn area), voice (a bit up and down, but not too noticeable yet), moodiness. The moodiness has been quite hard to deal with at times. Last weekend was the worst that we had gone through, but we did get though it fine. We just have to keep communicating to each other and allow the moods to come and go, because you cannot control them. Overall, Max is really enjoying the changes.

He told his brother

On Sunday we went over to David and Susan's house (brother and sister in law), all with the intent of telling them. We were very nervous as we were unsure as to what the reaction would be and we do not want to cause family issues. We enjoy their company and seeing their two children (ages 7 and 10 years). Max did not get off to a flying start, and it all come out a bit muddled (due to nerves). With permission I jumped in to finish the story and explain the situation. David started physically shaking straight away and we could see the reaction of coming out was having on him. He started saying some pretty inappropriate things such as "If you see a heart doctor then you have a heart problem, if you see a gender specialist then you have a gender problem". Susan on the other hand was much better. She acknowledged that Max has always been very butch. We talked for about an hour and there were some full on moments, but it ended okay with some hugs. The conversation did flip around from total lack of understanding "you will always be Jennifer" to "you have our support." We (Max and I) are still unsure as to how it will all play out. Much of the difficult part of the conversation was about telling the parents. They did make comments about that we could not tell the parents at all, to telling the parents for us. We are worried that whatever the reaction from the parents will be, this will impact of how well David and Susan cope with it. We do assume that the parental reaction will be negative and that this will influence David (we do acknowledge that he will be in the middle of this, and that we understand it is a horrible position) and turn a mediocre reaction into a negative one too.)

We have had such positive experiences with coming out to our friends and my family that I think we forgot that negative reaction can occur. Youtube shows us that coming out to parents is generally a negative reaction.

The fallout to this conversation his Max on Monday. He looked miserable and I asked him (just before leaving to go to work) if he was okay. He replied that may be he should stop [this treatment]. I was totally shocked by this comment, and due to having to go to work we could not talk about it. I became very upset as I felt that I just did not know what has going on and how miserable he looked. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and knew that we both needed to see the psychologist. We called Vikki and arranged a time to see her, and we ended up seeing her yesterday. By this time we had some distance from the conversation with David and Susan and felt a bit better. Max totally knows that transition is the thing he really needs to do for his life (and sanity) and that he can no longer live the way otehr people prefer. We also know telling the parents is going to be hard and that this will probably go on for years, if they don't cut us out completely.

I never thought I would find myself dating a bald man

The changes are starting to occur, and the process has been slow, which I like. However for Max he would like the changes to occur at a faster rate. I have noticed that he is constantly scanning his body for changes. Pointing out pimples, facial hairs, muscles etc. some of these I don't really see. However I am excited for him. Max is currently on Sustanon 100ml one per fortnight. Well he had two this way, until yesterday when he went to see his GP. He asled his GP for another injection (which he got - so it has been 3 weeks and 2 days with 3 shots) because he felt that the effects were wearing off too quickly. I have to admit that he was moody when his T levels were dropping. Mas has just told me (and his voice is dropping) that he will now have an injection every 8 days or so (when he feels the T dropping and mood swings kicking in), until he moves on to the Sustanon 250mg, which will be his maintenance level. Max told me that they move you to a higher dose or more frequently once you start complaining about mood swings. The mood swings are not fun. Max's moods are more of a high to low rather than being angry or aggressive.

As we were lying in bed last night, I did notive that his hair line has started to change a little. I ended up bursting into laughter as I have the thought "I never thought I would find myself dating a bald man". (On his mother's side there is male pattern baldness). I have realised that I just have to see the funny side of these changes sometime, but it also highlights that it is not just Max that is changing but also my perception of what the future held for me. We all project ourselves into the future; we have plans, goals and dreams. And I have to say, I never saw myself with a bald man. There will have to be some adjustment and I am not sure how to do it. I am just trying not to get too ahead of myself.

Overview of the last two weeks

It will be Max's second T shot tomorrow, so I thought I would write a post about the last two weeks. The effects of T have been mild, as it was only the first shot, but they will still noticable. The effects that we notice were; increased sweating, higher body temperature, some pimples, oilier skin, some fat re-distribution, increased strength and muscle growth (I notive when I hug him he feels harder, which I actually fine quite pleasant!), increased energy, increased sex drive, happier mood (but with some moodiness that resulted in some tears) and some voice changes with a sore throat. As it draws nearer to the second shot (one every 2 weeks), Max reported that he could feel some of the effects wearing off. His voice was back to before T, as was his energy levels and sex drive. The other thing I should note it that, some of the changes may not be directly linked to the T, but the decrease of his low mood could be making an impact. Either way I have been so relieved that he is feeling happier about himself.

Also during the last two weeks, we have both been coming out to a lot more people. The great thing is that we have had not one negative response, overtly or covertly. I am so grateful for the wonderful friends we have. They are our chosen family. We predict, however, that there will be a few negative reponses. One being his family and another friend of Max's who has strong feelings about transitiong. It is such a shame that people can have a hard time with this. I understand that people might not understand transitioning, but there is no need to take it personally or get angry about it. If you know Max, you should not be really surprise about this news. Actually, when we have told people no one has been surprise, and we have had comments such as "I thought that might be on the cards" and "I am not surprised".

The hardest thing for us to have coped with this last two weeks would be gearing up for Max to tell his parents. I guess you just never know how people will react and that causes anxiety. As I said before, there has been some moodiness and it may have to do with the T, but I also feel that the stress of telling this parents have contributed to it.

Thanks to everyone for the love and support.