Of course having a partner transition from female to male will have its difficult moments, and I am not going to pretend like it is all fine. I am having trouble with my identity, feeling like a liar and being unsure if I can cope with this. I understand that our ‘minds’ allow us to think of all the things that could go wrong and I try not to get caught up in my thoughts too much. However it has been really useful seeing a psychologist, as this gives me room to explore those ‘dark’ thoughts but in a time limited, safe environment way and to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and might not be reality based at all. Additionally, speaking out the thoughts can help me to process them and move on.
So I am going to share some of these thoughts and how I have processed them. I have noticed that from time to time, I would swing wildly from feeling really fine with Max’s transition to not feeling okay about it all. I realised that when I am feeling good about it, I am thinking about how much I love him and that he as a person and what I love about him is not going to change (e.g., his moral values). When I am not feeling okay, I believe it is about being unsure if I will cope and be strong. Additionally I am struggling with the feelings of being vulnerable, which are linked to being able to cope. I have thoughts that include “I am a psychologist I should be okay”, “I am active in the queer/trans community, and therefore I should be able to cope with this”. I understand these are ‘should statements’ and that life is a more complicated than “I should have all the answers” which is really an unrealistic expectation.
Additionally, I have come to realise that I worry about being seen as a liar. I value in myself, about being an honest, open person. However I find myself now in positions where I feel that I am not being. For example, at my new job they believe me to be heterosexual and every time I am casually speaking to a colleague about the weekend or something, I have this sense of being a liar. I do understand that I don’t want to (or need to) share such personal information with work colleagues about my private (sexual) life. But this feeling really does irritate me as I have always in the past come out as a lesbian. I do realise that I have to learn to sit with this discomfort, until it passes, which I feel it will sometime in the future as I get use to people (strangers, work colleagues etc.) seeing me as heterosexual. I also realised during the psychology session that while I struggle with not feeling honest, at the same time enjoying hetero privilege but then feeling guilty about that. Interesting, huh?
I also feel a bit like a liar when my friends ask me how I identify. So when I tell my friends that I am with an FTM/trans-guy, I worry about them thinking that I am not a lesbian or a failed one (use to be made to feel that way for dating Butches) and that I was lying to them, or that I am lying now because I am a lesbian (but with a trans-guy). So I cannot win, however I understand that this is my thoughts in my head and not necessarily fact. My friends have been hugely supportive and understanding. Also talking to my psychologist I realised that I am still able to be honest and say “I don't know how I identify. I am not straight but that I just don't know what I am” and I am being honest.
I do realise though and we have already learnt this lesson that I need to communicate what is happening and what I am thinking. I am doing this.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Lucky ...
Last weekend we went up to sunny Brisbane to see my sister and her boyfriend. I had booked the tickets about 4-5 months ago so I could get them at a lower cost. When I booked the tickets we did not know when Max would be starting T or how long it would take him to pass, so I used the title Ms. (at that stage he had just changed his name so that was ok). A couple of weeks ago I realised this and went to try and fix the title up over the internet, as he has been on T for 4 months now and is passing as male 99.999% of the time. I was unable to change the title, and was getting a little worried about what might happen. We know that legally he is not male, but we just thought it would be easier for the airline staff to see a male with a male title. As I could not change it, we prepared ourselves for a bit of an issue when trying to get on board with our boarding passes. However on the way to the airport I had an idea. My name appears gender neutral, as does Max’s (pseudo name on blog won’t make sense, sorry) and I have a doctorate so my title of Dr. which is also gender neutral. So we swapped boarding passes. I was Ms. and Max had Dr. We were not stopped (nor asked for any ID) both flights. Lucky I have a doctorate and that we both have gender neutral names, as we did not have to disclose to people personal information just to board a plane to see my sister.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
14 weeks on T
The last two weeks have been very up and down with a lot going on. Max’s mood swings have stabilised since being on 250, which has been a relief for both of us. Two weeks ago Max spoke to his Mum on the phone and it was a really positive, though difficult, conversation. His Mum was very honest about her feelings, not only to herself but to Max, which I think is a good thing as it is easier to deal with honesty than people pretending everything is alright. During this phone conversation, his parents gave their support and understanding but also admitted that they need time to process it all. His Mum is planning on going to Cleveland where other members of the extended family live so she can get some support. Max and I think it is a good idea, as his Mum is a bit isolated in Singapore and the extended family in Cleveland understand Max’s transition and are supportive of it. However since the phone conversation two weeks ago, Max has not spoken to his parents. Actually he hasn’t spoken to his Dad at all since telling them. Max was getting worried that as time lapsed and his voice deepened, that it might be harder for his parents to deal with the changes of the transition. He sent them an email explaining this. However the day his Dad received the email was the day that his Dad was going to ring him, but his Dad decided not to ring him (rang his brother instead). His Dad said that the email shocked him (about the voice changes) and that he could not bring himself to call Max. We understand that they need time to adjust to the huge news, and we (Max and I) have decided to let them set the pace of giving them information. Since his Dad has reported to be no longer coping he is going to go to Cleveland too, which we think will be really good for him too. I think that Max’s Dad no longer coping is really a sign that it is starting to sink in, thus no longer denial and will be on the path of acceptance. We saw Max’s brother and sister-in-law yesterday and they are doing really well now. I think they still do not understand the changes T will bring, but they are being supportive. They also still use “she” and Max’s birth name, but they have not told their children yet so we understand. They are planning on telling them soon.
On Wednesday I went to see a psychologist for myself. We thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to talk to that it is not directly involved in the situation. A lot of my close friends have offered me to call them anytime to talk about this, and I feel really honoured to have such wonderful friends. However I do feel uncomfortable talking to friends about my relationship with Max, especially the difficult parts, as this can influence people’s perceptions of our relationship. Having a psychologist who has experience in this area should be helpful and a safe place to explore all the thoughts that run through my mind. Even though I only have had one session, and most of it was about the background story, we still got to discuss some really interesting points that I had not thought of before. We talked about having (being involved in) a relationship that is beyond gender. We do in this society get really caught up in the binary gender dichotomy. It is really interesting to think about the person you are with, not how they look, not how they present to the world, not how they dress or their mannerisms, but about their values, moral and the way the treat you. I am not dating Max because of his gender (maybe this is how we meet and it started), but I stay with him because of how he treats me, how well we work together, his view of the world and most importantly his values and morals. Also the psychologist and I talked about labels. This is something that I am struggling with time to time. After spending the last 12-13 years identifying as a lesbian, I wonder if I can continue to do this - probably not. Max and I will not be able to attend lesbian events together, not that we have for awhile. I could identify as queer, but that label just seems too broad for me. When I listen to the gay radio station they talk about the GLBTI community and I wonder which letter is for me? There is no letter or label for someone who is dating a transguy. After speaking to the psychologist I feel comfortable with I identify as ‘with Max’ than any particular label.
On Wednesday I went to see a psychologist for myself. We thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to talk to that it is not directly involved in the situation. A lot of my close friends have offered me to call them anytime to talk about this, and I feel really honoured to have such wonderful friends. However I do feel uncomfortable talking to friends about my relationship with Max, especially the difficult parts, as this can influence people’s perceptions of our relationship. Having a psychologist who has experience in this area should be helpful and a safe place to explore all the thoughts that run through my mind. Even though I only have had one session, and most of it was about the background story, we still got to discuss some really interesting points that I had not thought of before. We talked about having (being involved in) a relationship that is beyond gender. We do in this society get really caught up in the binary gender dichotomy. It is really interesting to think about the person you are with, not how they look, not how they present to the world, not how they dress or their mannerisms, but about their values, moral and the way the treat you. I am not dating Max because of his gender (maybe this is how we meet and it started), but I stay with him because of how he treats me, how well we work together, his view of the world and most importantly his values and morals. Also the psychologist and I talked about labels. This is something that I am struggling with time to time. After spending the last 12-13 years identifying as a lesbian, I wonder if I can continue to do this - probably not. Max and I will not be able to attend lesbian events together, not that we have for awhile. I could identify as queer, but that label just seems too broad for me. When I listen to the gay radio station they talk about the GLBTI community and I wonder which letter is for me? There is no letter or label for someone who is dating a transguy. After speaking to the psychologist I feel comfortable with I identify as ‘with Max’ than any particular label.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Hairy Knees
Max has been on 250 Sustanon for nearly 2 weeks and he has not crashed like he use to on 100, which is such a relief for both of us. I have to admit but last weekend (12th and 13th of June) was really tough for both of us. I have tried very hard to be the supportive partner. I am considerate, responsive, loving and measured in my responses. However I may have taken it a bit too far, at the expense of my own needs. I finally crack. I realised that my needs were not being met and that I had to tell him about it. I felt so torn, I am so protective of his feelings, as I realise he is going through a lot, but at the same time I had nothing left to give as I was not looking after myself. I had to tell him. I sat him down on Saturday morning and told him that I was struggling. It was a very intense conversation, but it was needed. Max has a habit on catastrophising and I normally just try to help him through his feelings, however I finally stood up to these ‘fearing the worst’ thoughts, by saying that it was me that we have to focus on for a while. He listened. But the best thing that he has done the last week is act on it. He has been there for me, he has been more considerate of me, and has become less involved in his own world to include me. I think being on the 250 and speaking to his Mum on Wednesday (yes, he spoke to his Mum and it was a good conversation. She is really doing quite well but more on that later) has helped his mood immensely.
Other changes on the higher T dose include deeper voice, to the point that when he answers the phone with just a “hello” I don’t register that it is him until he speaks a little more. I have actually asked him to answer the phone with “hi, baby” so I know it is him and not a friend or work colleague. Also we noticed the other day that he now has hairy knees.
Other changes on the higher T dose include deeper voice, to the point that when he answers the phone with just a “hello” I don’t register that it is him until he speaks a little more. I have actually asked him to answer the phone with “hi, baby” so I know it is him and not a friend or work colleague. Also we noticed the other day that he now has hairy knees.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Telling his Parents – A Rundown of the Last Week
02/06/10
We sent off the email to his parents to tell them about Max’s transition. We have done it this way for a couple of reasons. Firstly they live overseas, and secondly we do not want to deal with their initial reaction. They actually called later that night. We did not answer the phone but let it go to message bank as we were not sure about their initial reaction (and we did predict a bad one). We listened to the message that his Dad left and we were both so shocked. His Dad said that they had received the email and that his Mum is too upset to talk. He stated that they had three ways in which they could react to the news. He could 1) reject the news and reject his daughter, 2) embrace it or 3) accept it. He stated that he is by no means close to embracing it, but that they will try very hard to accept it. He went on to say that he loves his daughter. We thought it a very positive response, especially since we were waiting for a negative one.
04/06/10
Max’s parents reported that they are not ready to speak to him yet, but will be in contact via emails. They are seeing Max’s brother on the weekend, so it will give them a chance to talk to them about it and give support to each other.
09/06/10
Max has still not spoken to them and he is getting a little worried. Max got messages on Facebook from his cousin and aunty wishing him well and giving their support. Max was quite shocked, as his parents have not spoken to him about it yet, but have spoken to extend family about it. I did think it was a bit weird too, however looking at it from an outsider’s perspective; they are probably testing the language and people’s reaction before they speak to Max. I think this is good, as I think they don’t want to say or behave the wrong way.
10/06/10
Max received his first contact from his Mum (via email) today (she is still not ready to talk), which was a huge relief for him as he had not heard from her since he sent the email the Wednesday last week. His Mum’s email was very insightful, in which she reported that she is upset and doesn’t know why (probably grief). Also, she stated that she understands what [Max] has had to put up with during [his] life and why [he] is going down this path. Max also earlier in the week sent them some articles to read that we got from his psychologist, so hopefully that will help and we can start some dialogue soon when they are both ready to talk. Overall, I think it has been a positive initial response however we have to be aware that there will probably be bumps in the road.
We sent off the email to his parents to tell them about Max’s transition. We have done it this way for a couple of reasons. Firstly they live overseas, and secondly we do not want to deal with their initial reaction. They actually called later that night. We did not answer the phone but let it go to message bank as we were not sure about their initial reaction (and we did predict a bad one). We listened to the message that his Dad left and we were both so shocked. His Dad said that they had received the email and that his Mum is too upset to talk. He stated that they had three ways in which they could react to the news. He could 1) reject the news and reject his daughter, 2) embrace it or 3) accept it. He stated that he is by no means close to embracing it, but that they will try very hard to accept it. He went on to say that he loves his daughter. We thought it a very positive response, especially since we were waiting for a negative one.
04/06/10
Max’s parents reported that they are not ready to speak to him yet, but will be in contact via emails. They are seeing Max’s brother on the weekend, so it will give them a chance to talk to them about it and give support to each other.
09/06/10
Max has still not spoken to them and he is getting a little worried. Max got messages on Facebook from his cousin and aunty wishing him well and giving their support. Max was quite shocked, as his parents have not spoken to him about it yet, but have spoken to extend family about it. I did think it was a bit weird too, however looking at it from an outsider’s perspective; they are probably testing the language and people’s reaction before they speak to Max. I think this is good, as I think they don’t want to say or behave the wrong way.
10/06/10
Max received his first contact from his Mum (via email) today (she is still not ready to talk), which was a huge relief for him as he had not heard from her since he sent the email the Wednesday last week. His Mum’s email was very insightful, in which she reported that she is upset and doesn’t know why (probably grief). Also, she stated that she understands what [Max] has had to put up with during [his] life and why [he] is going down this path. Max also earlier in the week sent them some articles to read that we got from his psychologist, so hopefully that will help and we can start some dialogue soon when they are both ready to talk. Overall, I think it has been a positive initial response however we have to be aware that there will probably be bumps in the road.
Moods, Moods, Moods
05/06/10
Max and I both have been struggling with his moods. He is currently on 100 Sustanon fortnightly, and for the last 4-6 days of the cycle his mood is very bad. He becomes very socially withdrawn, irritable, depressed and generally unpleasant to be around. Max does have insight into these moods, but has very limited control over it. When he has had his shot he is the opposite - upbeat, happy mood, chatty and so on. It is a real Jekyll and Hyde situation. I am struggling with this, as these up and down moods are so new to me. In the 2 years that we have been together our relationship has been very stable. We hardly fight/disagree (pre T probably less than 5 times), we can predict each other’s behaviours which leads to a very smooth running relationship. However since he started T, we have had a few fights/disagreements (in the last 2 months probably as many as we had in the first 2 years), and I (and Max) cannot predict his behaviour. At times I have to be measured in what I say and how I say it. I do have to state, that having to tell his parents soon, is also contributing to his mood. Max is extremely apologetic to me about his behaviour, and I understand that he has no control over this. We cannot wait until he starts 250 Sustanon as the mood cycles are suppose to become stable. Fingers crossed.
Update: Max started 250 on the 9th of June – Thank Goodness.
Max and I both have been struggling with his moods. He is currently on 100 Sustanon fortnightly, and for the last 4-6 days of the cycle his mood is very bad. He becomes very socially withdrawn, irritable, depressed and generally unpleasant to be around. Max does have insight into these moods, but has very limited control over it. When he has had his shot he is the opposite - upbeat, happy mood, chatty and so on. It is a real Jekyll and Hyde situation. I am struggling with this, as these up and down moods are so new to me. In the 2 years that we have been together our relationship has been very stable. We hardly fight/disagree (pre T probably less than 5 times), we can predict each other’s behaviours which leads to a very smooth running relationship. However since he started T, we have had a few fights/disagreements (in the last 2 months probably as many as we had in the first 2 years), and I (and Max) cannot predict his behaviour. At times I have to be measured in what I say and how I say it. I do have to state, that having to tell his parents soon, is also contributing to his mood. Max is extremely apologetic to me about his behaviour, and I understand that he has no control over this. We cannot wait until he starts 250 Sustanon as the mood cycles are suppose to become stable. Fingers crossed.
Update: Max started 250 on the 9th of June – Thank Goodness.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Meeting the Community
Max has been quite a bit down on himself about being trans. I think there are two main reasons behind this; 1) we know some transguys that are not the prefect role models, and 2) he feels that his parents will have a really hard time with accepting his transexualism and he has projected this onto himself. I felt that I really had to help introduce him to some really normal, down to earth, positive role model transguys to help him feel better about himself.
When I joined a Gender Centre working group, I met some really awesome transguys. I set up for Max to meet Xander and for me to meet Xander's partner Tara. I, myself are really keen to befriend partner's of transguys. We meet up with Xander and Tara, and had a lovely chat getting to know each other. They mentioned that the next night there was a party to raise money for another guy's chest surgery. We went along and met some more wonderful people. I believe it was a really good experience for Max, as he was able to realise there is nothing weird about being trans. We meet lawyers, teachers, community workers, postgraduate university students. Furthermore, they were in steady relationships (and I thought all the partners were wonderful and interesting people, that I would like to get to know more). They were just a normal bunch of people have a wonderful night. Max reported that the last two nights were a really positive experience for him and will help him deal with his transexualism.
When I joined a Gender Centre working group, I met some really awesome transguys. I set up for Max to meet Xander and for me to meet Xander's partner Tara. I, myself are really keen to befriend partner's of transguys. We meet up with Xander and Tara, and had a lovely chat getting to know each other. They mentioned that the next night there was a party to raise money for another guy's chest surgery. We went along and met some more wonderful people. I believe it was a really good experience for Max, as he was able to realise there is nothing weird about being trans. We meet lawyers, teachers, community workers, postgraduate university students. Furthermore, they were in steady relationships (and I thought all the partners were wonderful and interesting people, that I would like to get to know more). They were just a normal bunch of people have a wonderful night. Max reported that the last two nights were a really positive experience for him and will help him deal with his transexualism.
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