Unprepared

November post - Sorry I have been away, life just gets in the way sometimes.

A few weeks ago, Max and I were invited to go to a gay male venue that was having an open day (all could attend including females and heterosexuals). I wanted to go, as did Max, as in the future Max has expressed an interest in going to a gay male venue just to see what it is like (not to participate as we are not in an open relationship, nor has he expressed any interest in sexual activities with men).

So Max and I went with John and Judy. About 30 minutes into our time there and a drunk 50-something gay man asked me “Does my hubby let me come to places like this?” I was so taken back that I didn’t even respond. Max ended up responding for me, and he stated “It’s fine with me”, nodding as he said it, to tell the gay guy that I am with Max. Next the gay guy shook his head and said “No, you’re with him” and pointed to John. I was totally in shock. Here I am in a gay venue being read as a fag-hag that has to ask her hubby if it is okay to come along. I was so unprepared for something like this to happen, especially in a gay venue. I ended up becoming really upset.
Later, Max and I had a disagreement that ended with the comment by Max “let’s talk about this with a psychologist”. I was a bit taken back by this comment as I felt he had something really big to tell me. I made an appointment for us to see my psychologist (as we had been to his a couple of times, and I wanted my psychologist to meet Max).

At the psychologist we discussed why I became so upset at the gay venue. It really came down to two things; 1) I do not like being read as a straight, married fag-hag, because I feel like I lose my queer identity, which goes to the second point, 2) can I out Max as a transguy so I don’t lose my queer identity. I think that the disagreement we had actually all came down to the 2nd point. I didn’t out Max at the Laird, as I thought it was not appropriate, but I wanted to ask when it was appropriate for me to do so. I guess I felt that because it is his transition, I really don’t have as much of a say. The thing is, when I am on my own (as a femme lesbian) I am invisible, however when I am with my partner (butch lesbian) then I become visible (as a lesbian). Now because Max has transitioned, we are now both invisible, or he gets read as a gay man. I think I got upset that day, as Max still was seen as queer, when I wasn’t. The session with the psychologist went really well. Max said that he is happy to be outed at some events (he know has a t-shirt that says “tranny boy”) and that it is still okay if I continue to identify as a lesbian (which I still feel a bit funny about).
I guess it is still going to take some time to get use to, and coming up is Midsumma http://www.midsumma.org.au/ and I am already thinking about how this one will be the first one, when both Max and I are invisible. At least, he has the t-shirt to wear to the big events, and I will practice not worrying about what people might think.



[I want to dedicate this post to a friend that passed away in a tragic accident. Em, I miss you so much, and I so wish that you didn’t leave us so early. You were one of my first friends I told about Max’s transition and you were so supportive and understanding. I really wish you were here to see how Max will grow into the man he was always going to be. I will miss all your emails, phone calls and visits. And I will miss our friendship. Love S]

My jobs

One of my jobs I have recently resigned. In summary I was being bullied and taken for granted. Therefore I have been quiet stressed lately. The thing is, if my partner was diagnosed with Lupus or Diabetes or even broke their legs, I would have felt comfortable saying to my boss, “My partner has just been diagnosed with ...” so that my boss would lay off me for a while. However, I did not feel comfortable telling my boss that my partner is transitioning from female to male. It is just too personal the information, but at the same time I want some understanding of my life and the extra stress I am under. I think this situation highlights the stigma of gender variant people and that this stigma is an added stress of being a partner.
My other job is going really well, and they have offered me more work – doing the same thing but at another facility. Since I started this job, I have used male pronouns when talking about my partner. However one of the psychologist at the other facility I did my doctorate with, and they know that I identify as lesbian (or I did during the doctorate - not sure how I identify anymore). I guess I had not thought about running into people in my past.
I have not kept up with contacts from the doctorate. I was a bit on the outer, I think due to being gay. Actually I was the only girl in the class not invite to baby showers and hen’s nights. This actually really hurt my feelings, as I would still like to go to these events, and people should not jump to conclusions based on sexual preferences. Anyway, even though I am friends with many on facebook, I have not contacted any of my ex-fellow students to give them updates on my life. Actually not one of my friends commented (on facebook) on the name change of Max.
So now I have to speak to Linda before I start using male pronouns at the new facility as I don’t want to be seen as a liar (similar thoughts as before). I am not sure what she has said to the others, she could have outed me as lesbian before I start. I am actually quiet anxious about this situation. I do want to be honest to Linda and talk to her; I just hope I get the time.

The road to surgery

It is customary in Australia for a transguy to be on T for 12 months before top surgery. Firstly a definition - top surgery is removal of the breasts with a chest reconstruction into a male chest, it is not a mastectomy. Max has been on T for 6 months now, and with every passing day he is becoming more and more restless to get his “chesticles” (what he calls them) off. They (still not sure who it is that is making these decisions) believe that 12 months is a good time, as by this stage the pectoral muscles have developed into a more masculine shape making it easier for the surgeon to reconstruct into a male chest. Anyway, Max thought it would be good to start doing some research, which I am not against, but thought that it might fuel his eagerness to get them off. Surprisingly, there are only 4 surgeons in the whole of Australia that do this type of surgery. Additionally the only one in Melbourne (there is one in Perth, one in Brisbane and one in Sydney) is 70 years old and about to retire. Therefore we are limited to three. Max didn’t find any information on the one in Perth, however did find some photos of previous top surgery for the ones in Brisbane and Sydney. So Max started getting ready to organise surgery. I thought it was a little early but I was wrong. The following is in Max’s words.

So I thought I would jump the gun and book my consult for surgery this morning. I'm a little anxious about budget and what Medicare and my health fund would cover so I thought I'd get on top of things to reduce my anxiety. Clearly I haven’t learnt from my past experiences, which in relation to medical transition (booking appointments, etc) have been quite stressful. This turned out to be no different.

Research into procedures and results over the past few weeks has led me to choose Megan Hassall in Sydney for my top surgery. So I called her rooms this morning and was informed that the next available consult is in February 2011. I booked my appointment, got all the pertinent information and was told to bring both a referral and a letter from my psychiatrist. Given that I’m hoping to get my procedure done in April 2011, it feels like cutting it a bit fine. But OK.

Given that I have chosen to go with an interstate surgeon, I’m wondering what the role of the local gender clinic is for me. I am a patient of the clinic and I’m wondering why. So I called them this morning. (I called them last week to begin these discussions about surgery, but the clinic is only open on Tuesday and Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get in touch with them until today.) I explained that I am seeing their psychiatrist as a private patient at his private rooms, that I am seeing a psychologist as a private patient and that I have booked my consult for surgery in NSW as a private patient. “So I am wondering what the clinic’s role is in my patient journey?” The response was very unclear – perhaps if you needed to see a social worker or another psychologist or someone else here. Like who??? How many mental health professionals can one person see? Given the complexity of my questions (really??) the receptionist had already put me through to someone else and this was the quality of response. I’m not sure what is more shocking – the fact that no one there is able to explain things to an intelligent, engaged and enquiring person or the fact that this person didn’t even know that Megan Hassall performs top surgery for FTMs.

The medical transition process has been an incredibly frustrating and often confusing journey so far.

Expanding boundaries of attraction

I have noticed a strange phenomenon. I’m starting to look at guys now. I am paying attention to how they dress, if I would consider them attractive or not, the size of their arms, facial hair and so on. This is really unusual for me as in the past I had a total blind spot for men. I could spot a Butch a mile away, but would not be able to tell you what the man standing next to me was wearing. Because I am a psychologist I had an idea about why this is happening. I don't think this has to do with my sexual attraction changing, I think that it has to do with social comparison theory. Social comparison theory is the idea that there is a drive within individuals to look to outside images in order to evaluate our own opinions and abilities. These images may be a reference to physical reality or in comparison to other people. Thus, we humans have the tendency to compare ourselves to others. For example, is she smarted than me? Am I fitter than her? We also do this with our relationships and partners. We compare so we know where we sit in society. So previously before Max started transitioning I would compare him to the other Butches, and know that (by social comparison) my Butch was handsome and sexy. However, now that he is 6 months into his transition and passes as male. I now compare him to men to see where he sits; how he dresses, how attractive he is, the size of his arms. I think he is a very handsome and sexy man, when I look at other men.

Additionally, I think another psychological theory could explain my “expanding boundaries of attraction” and that is cognitive dissonance. When people experience cognitive dissonance, which is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding simultaneously conflicting ideas, thoughts and/or beliefs, they are motivated to change their thoughts, beliefs and ideas to reduce the uncomfortable feelings. For example, you might have a belief that you dislike a certain vegetable, however at a friend’s house you unknowingly eat the vegetable and enjoy it. When you find out you have eaten and enjoyed the vegetable, and understand that this does not fit with your belief on disliking that vegetable. You, therefore change your belief to, I don't dislike that vegetable when it is cooked/prepared etc. in a certain way. For my experience, I had the belief that I did not find men attractive, however now that I am with a man, to reduce my cognitive dissonance, I need to change my belief. I don’t think I have fully formed it yet, but I think my thoughts and beliefs are in line with what is my main attraction to Max, which is that I am attracted to his strength and security, thus I find these characteristics attractive in men. When I was talking to my psychologist about this the other day, he noted that when I describe what I am attracted to they are characteristics rather than as physical attributes. I guess I will just watch and see how this evolves.

Visit from Max’s mother

Two weekends ago (11th of September) Max’s mother was down from Singapore and we had arranged for her to stop at our place to go out to a cafe for breakfast before she drives down to the farm (4 hours away). Max’s mother, Lucy, was suppose to arrive at our house from Max’s brother house between 8 am and 8:30, however she did not arrived until 9am (not even a text message). This waiting caused great anxiety among Max and I, particularly thinking that she will not come at all. We know that she is still coming to term with the news (and that Donald, Max’s father, is not coping at all), and we were just not sure how she was feeling about coming to see Max, as it is different from just talking on the phone. Once she arrived we felt better, but still a little anxious.
We decided that she can choose for me to come to breakfast or not, in case she wishes to speak to Max on his own. Lucy stated that she has no issues and it is fine for me to come. I do have a very good history with her and we get along well which is a positive, especially at this time. Once we did the initial hellos, Lucy reported that Max doesn't appear to have changed that much, which we were quiet surprised from this comment. It has nearly been 6 months that Max has been on T and there have been heaps of changes and he passes all the time. I guess, especially being a parent, you see what you want to see. Additionally, of course Max still looks like Max, and if Lucy had an image in her head that he would look like a stranger then she would report that he doesn't appear different. I guess it will take time for her to see her daughter as a son. In Singapore, Lucy went to her GP to ask about the effects of testosterone, and the only think the doctor said was facial hair, so she might have had an image of her daughter with a beard, which is just not appropriate for the doctor to have said. There are many more changes, and growing facial hair is one of the last ones to appear (sometime years).
The breakfast went really well. The conversation was familiar and normal, which was a relief for Max. The only goal he had for today was to ask his mum to use his new name. About half way through breakfast Max asked his mum if she could try and use his new name. She stated that she will find it really difficult as “you’re my daughter and always will be”. Max reported that as his changes become more pronounced, it will appear silly to be referring to him with a female name. Lucy clearly thought about this comment, and replied that she will try. Max was over the moon. Also at this time, the waiter was clearly using male references to Max, which was great for his mum to see. She stated that she may get it wrong it the future, or forget to use his new name. However we replied that it is fine, as it is the effort that counts. Overall, we were both really happy with this outcome and the ease his mother had with talking to him. This was a big hurdle to get over and both parties survived.

5 month on T and family update

Time for an update on T changes and family, I think, well Max’s family has really been quiet slow to establish a clear and open dialogue. I know it is a lot to get use to but, the T won’t wait for any body. Max has spoken to his Mum twice since the phone call in June, and he has not spoken to his Dad at all. His Mum states that his Dad is still too upset to talk about it. At least the conversations with his Mum are going well, last time she was asking questions and listening to the answers (which is not like her, as she can be absorbed with her own life). We have also not seen his brother for awhile. They (his brother and his brother’s wife) told us that they were fine with it and that they will tell the kids soon, but nothing has eventuated. I am not sure if they understand how fast the changes T can make. I hope that when we see the niece and nephew that they are not too shocked. They are young and I am sure will roll with the changes fine.

Five months today Max started T. I have noticed quite a few changes. His voice is a lot lower, his face has changed shape (his cheeks are bigger as is his chin, also the skin is not as smooth), his has a lot more hair, more muscles and strength, he is broader in the shoulders and there has been a lot of changes in weight distribution. There have also been psychological and emotional changes too. Emotionally he reports that he cannot cry like he use to, even if he wishes he just cannot. He also stated that his empathic response has changed too. He doesn’t want to sit around and “chit chat” anymore, he wants to “get out and do things”. Psychologically he has been so much happier, his confidence has increased, and he has more energy and is enjoying life. He is still stressed from time to time about his family coping with his transition but that is normal.

I notice that I have not written anything about his work situation. I will have to do that in the future.

Feeling like a vulnerable liar.

Of course having a partner transition from female to male will have its difficult moments, and I am not going to pretend like it is all fine. I am having trouble with my identity, feeling like a liar and being unsure if I can cope with this. I understand that our ‘minds’ allow us to think of all the things that could go wrong and I try not to get caught up in my thoughts too much. However it has been really useful seeing a psychologist, as this gives me room to explore those ‘dark’ thoughts but in a time limited, safe environment way and to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and might not be reality based at all. Additionally, speaking out the thoughts can help me to process them and move on.

So I am going to share some of these thoughts and how I have processed them. I have noticed that from time to time, I would swing wildly from feeling really fine with Max’s transition to not feeling okay about it all. I realised that when I am feeling good about it, I am thinking about how much I love him and that he as a person and what I love about him is not going to change (e.g., his moral values). When I am not feeling okay, I believe it is about being unsure if I will cope and be strong. Additionally I am struggling with the feelings of being vulnerable, which are linked to being able to cope. I have thoughts that include “I am a psychologist I should be okay”, “I am active in the queer/trans community, and therefore I should be able to cope with this”. I understand these are ‘should statements’ and that life is a more complicated than “I should have all the answers” which is really an unrealistic expectation.

Additionally, I have come to realise that I worry about being seen as a liar. I value in myself, about being an honest, open person. However I find myself now in positions where I feel that I am not being. For example, at my new job they believe me to be heterosexual and every time I am casually speaking to a colleague about the weekend or something, I have this sense of being a liar. I do understand that I don’t want to (or need to) share such personal information with work colleagues about my private (sexual) life. But this feeling really does irritate me as I have always in the past come out as a lesbian. I do realise that I have to learn to sit with this discomfort, until it passes, which I feel it will sometime in the future as I get use to people (strangers, work colleagues etc.) seeing me as heterosexual. I also realised during the psychology session that while I struggle with not feeling honest, at the same time enjoying hetero privilege but then feeling guilty about that. Interesting, huh?

I also feel a bit like a liar when my friends ask me how I identify. So when I tell my friends that I am with an FTM/trans-guy, I worry about them thinking that I am not a lesbian or a failed one (use to be made to feel that way for dating Butches) and that I was lying to them, or that I am lying now because I am a lesbian (but with a trans-guy). So I cannot win, however I understand that this is my thoughts in my head and not necessarily fact. My friends have been hugely supportive and understanding. Also talking to my psychologist I realised that I am still able to be honest and say “I don't know how I identify. I am not straight but that I just don't know what I am” and I am being honest.

I do realise though and we have already learnt this lesson that I need to communicate what is happening and what I am thinking. I am doing this.