So many question-thougths

28/01/10

Jen reported that she had a bad sleep the night before; that she took ages to fall asleep. My thoughts rolled around in my head too, but I was able to find sleep easier.

I found that I could not concentrate at work. I am distracted. There are so many thoughts in my head. Do I want this? Can I cope with this? What will my identity be? How will she change; physically, emotionally, sexually? What will my friends, family and co-workers think? Will they reject us? Will our relationship survive this? Are we still queer? Am I no longer a lesbian? Will people question me as to why I would stay with Jen? I cannot seem to answer these questions on my own. I conduct a low of research on the internet. I read about her experience; their experience of transitioning. There is very little for the partners.

I post a question of a transqueer website. I guess that this question is one of my main fears. "Did T change your personality?" I get a few replies. They all seem pretty positive, and there is no mention of any personality changes per se. Most of the replied are about some moodiness that subsides over time and less emotional reactions to things and situations (i.e., not being able to cry anymore). However that all report that confidence increases and anxiety/depression decreases. I reply back "I believe that there will be more confidence and I am looking forward to that."

Jen I spoke more today than we did yesterday, and I notive that my anxiety has started to lessen. I remember that we have been dancing around this gender issue with a long time. Through our conversations we start to answer my question-thoughts. Jen did tell me (with tears in her eyes) that if there is any 'no' from me, then it is a no go. I thanked her for her saying that . I replied so far there is no 'no'. But if one comes up, I will tell her immediately.

After work Jen came more with books for us to read. One of the books was for me, it was written by Leslie Feinberg's partner called S/he. The other books are called "From the inside out" and "Transmen and FTMs".

I'm so glad that we are both researching the hell out of this situation.