Thanks YouTube

01/02/10

I watched YouTube videos today, one was called the "Best and worst of dating a FTM", which I don't think really mentioned anything negative except for people's reactions. I have learnt in life that you cannot control other people so I don't try, people can have their reactions, I don't have to have their's.

I watched many videos on the changes FTMs, transguys, genderqueers, transmasculines go through being on T. It is such a great resource having YouTube. I use to watch YouTube videos of FTMs before I even met Max. I guess this was due in part to my attraction of them. It feels weird to admit I have this attraction. It is so judged in our society, both gay and straight. I have had a hard time in the lesbian community being judged for being too femme, and dating women who are too butch.

I have a fantasy of jumping a head a year and seeing what Max will be like, so I will be able to say "yep I am happy with this for certain". However we don't have that luxury. We just cannot see into the future. On the other hand, I am glad that the changes will be gradual.

We have decided not to change his name and pronouns in public until he starts T. We haven't made the decision yet and what to keep in to us and a few close friends.

I feel some anxiety again today. I think it is about when it will occur. I feel a sense of urgency, and I think this may have to do with that, I want to know how the T will change his appearance and mood. I am not at all concerned about top surgery. I am actually all for it and have been for a long time. I know he hates his "lumps", as he puts it. The changes on T are what concern me more.