Max’s body shape is changing quite a bit, and a lot of his clothes are not fitting him so well anymore. He did not want to go shopping until he was happy with his body, but he was running out of things to wear - so he had to suck it up and go shopping. We were in the city after work on a Wednesday night, and before meeting up with some new friends.
Now, some background might be in order. Max did not like clothes shopping before starting his transition. He especially dislikes shop assistance who try to talk to him and offer assistance. We had a really good pattern down, we would walk in and I would start a mundane conversation with the shop assistant to distract them, while Max would look at clothes. This worked quite well.
We went into a big department store, because usually there are less shop assistants to deal with, but for some reason they were everywhere. We were looking at knitted vests and jumpers for the winter weather. Max was a bit ‘touchy’ as soon as we walked in. I was asking what he was interested in buying and he replied “Wool vests, not cotton. Cotton is too clingy”. The touchiness escalated as we couldn’t fine pure wool vests or that the vests were to thin or small. Max kept saying “I cannot wear clingy clothes, people will notice I have breasts.” This is the point where a shop assistant came up to ask us if we need any help. Max cracked it, and muttered under his breath about helping hide his ‘chesticles’ (what he now calls his breasts). I quickly stepped in and ushered the shop assistant away. We finally found some wool vests and jumpers (and they were on sale too), and Max assisted on getting the biggest size he could manage to wear. This is when it dawned on me – clothes’s shopping is not fun when you have body/gender dysphoria and if we can avoid it as much as possible it would be a good thing.
One super important thing that I have learnt about coping with Max’s transition is to not take any of the moodiness personally and to be there for him when he is not coping well. This has helped me be there for him when things are really difficult for him instead of becoming an extra element to the issue.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Told my Dad
Life is busy and I have meant to post earlier, but it just didn't happen. Well two weeks ago I meet up with my Dad to tell him about Max's transition. I was really nervous about telling him. I actually nervous about telling anybody, as I don't want to deal with a negative reaction. I have noticed that you try to predict how people will respond, however it is really hard to predict how people will react to your partner changing their gender, as it is really uncommon. In regards to Dad, I thought that he could go either of two ways. He could think it is just too queer and weird, and not cope at all. Or he could be very supportive as we have noticed that he treats Max like a man anyway. Actually the last time dad came to visit, Max and him talked about fixing the bedroom door and buying men's clothes.
I waited until it was dessert time to tell Dad, so if it goes wrong then we can escape from each other quickly. I started the conversation the same as I did with Mum. Dad listened well, his eyes were wide open and he was taking everything in. When I got up to the part of the story about Max taking his middle name, this is when Dad started to smile. Dad had recently changed his name to his middle name, as he did not like his birth name. Dad responded that he was really glad that Max is having the courage to live his life his way. He next stated that he has always treated Max like a man, which I replied we (Max and I) are grateful for. I was so relieved that Dad had taked it so well. Even during the conversation he started using Max's new name. I was not worried that Dad kept using female pronouns, as I told him when the T starts making more changes, the pronoun change will come more naturally. At the end of the dinner Dad told me to go home and tell Max that he is proud that Max has the courage to be honest and active to live [his] life [his] way. I am very impressed with my family's reactions, they have been and are FANTASTIC.
We are still gearing up to tell Max's parents. Max has written his final draft (it took a few as it is such an important letter) and his ready to send it soon. I guess I should say that we are telling his parents through a letter for a few reasons.
1) His parents live overseas and they won't be back in Australia until September (and a lot of changes will have occured by then).
2) It is actually recommended to tell parents by letter as they have a chance to absorb the news before reacting, and
3) We don't want to be present for the first reaction, as this could ruin relationships.
We realised after telling Max's brother that it is not always the best thing to be there for the initial reaction, as emotions can escalate and reaction can change as the information is absorbed and processed (Max's brother is much better about the whole thing). We are still very nervous about telling them, but I think it will be good to get it over with and deal with their reactions as they occur rather then trying to anticipate their reactions.
I waited until it was dessert time to tell Dad, so if it goes wrong then we can escape from each other quickly. I started the conversation the same as I did with Mum. Dad listened well, his eyes were wide open and he was taking everything in. When I got up to the part of the story about Max taking his middle name, this is when Dad started to smile. Dad had recently changed his name to his middle name, as he did not like his birth name. Dad responded that he was really glad that Max is having the courage to live his life his way. He next stated that he has always treated Max like a man, which I replied we (Max and I) are grateful for. I was so relieved that Dad had taked it so well. Even during the conversation he started using Max's new name. I was not worried that Dad kept using female pronouns, as I told him when the T starts making more changes, the pronoun change will come more naturally. At the end of the dinner Dad told me to go home and tell Max that he is proud that Max has the courage to be honest and active to live [his] life [his] way. I am very impressed with my family's reactions, they have been and are FANTASTIC.
We are still gearing up to tell Max's parents. Max has written his final draft (it took a few as it is such an important letter) and his ready to send it soon. I guess I should say that we are telling his parents through a letter for a few reasons.
1) His parents live overseas and they won't be back in Australia until September (and a lot of changes will have occured by then).
2) It is actually recommended to tell parents by letter as they have a chance to absorb the news before reacting, and
3) We don't want to be present for the first reaction, as this could ruin relationships.
We realised after telling Max's brother that it is not always the best thing to be there for the initial reaction, as emotions can escalate and reaction can change as the information is absorbed and processed (Max's brother is much better about the whole thing). We are still very nervous about telling them, but I think it will be good to get it over with and deal with their reactions as they occur rather then trying to anticipate their reactions.
Monday, May 10, 2010
An observation
I know I had a post a couple of months ago about starting a new job and if I should come out or not. Well at home we are using male pronouns and his new name, so I just continued this at work. I have only been there for a few weeks and coversations about personal life only have just started. I noticed a really interesting observation. In the past people often assume that I am straight (as I am very feminine looking), and I correct them as soon as they ask about my boyfriend/husband. I then, generally, get a funny look; awkwardness, questions about being gay or statements about not looking gay. I am pretty much use to this. However, at work they asked me about where I live and what my partner does and I just answered the questions. I used his name and male pronouns. I got no weird looks, no awkward pauses, and no questions about my sexuality. I felt normal. The thing about this observation is that I realise that even though gay people are becoming more accepted, we, as a society, still have a long way to go. I believe wholeheartedly that we need equal rights and gay marriage. It is funny to think after being a lesbian since the age of 18 (I'm now 30), that if my partner changes their gender, then we can actually get legally married. But if he did not, we could not, even though it is the same love and we are still the same people. I have also recently found out that our government (Australia) makes people divorce if one them undergoes sexual reassignment, so that they cannot be in a same sex marriage.
I do have to say that it felt NICE to feel normal and I hope that gay and queer relationships are seen as normal (or at least not weird) in the generaly community soon, and I believe that legalising gay marriage would help this.
I do have to say that it felt NICE to feel normal and I hope that gay and queer relationships are seen as normal (or at least not weird) in the generaly community soon, and I believe that legalising gay marriage would help this.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Update on brother and physical changes
We went to the nephew's 11th birthday party yesterday (David and Susan's son), Max reported beforehand that he was a little nervous about going. He was worried about being introduced as Jennifer and as David's sister. We have not actually seen David since we told them (Max did see Susan last week and that went well). The party was at on of those laser gun tag things (and we had a great time shooting kids!). Since the party was at this kind of place there were no parents, so no introduction occurred which was great. However the best thing was that David and Susan were just normal. Nothing was mentioned and no one acted weird. We are happy with this outcome. We know that when the changes are more obvious things might change a bit, but the more David and Susan act normal the better we think things will go.
So an update on the changes, I think I should mention. It has been 6 weeks since Max started T. The main changes include muscle growth and fat redistribution (we have been taking fortnightly measurements), acne (Max has to use Proactive twice a day to keep on top of it, and he says his face still hurts), facial hair (minor but noticeable to touch around the side burn area), voice (a bit up and down, but not too noticeable yet), moodiness. The moodiness has been quite hard to deal with at times. Last weekend was the worst that we had gone through, but we did get though it fine. We just have to keep communicating to each other and allow the moods to come and go, because you cannot control them. Overall, Max is really enjoying the changes.
So an update on the changes, I think I should mention. It has been 6 weeks since Max started T. The main changes include muscle growth and fat redistribution (we have been taking fortnightly measurements), acne (Max has to use Proactive twice a day to keep on top of it, and he says his face still hurts), facial hair (minor but noticeable to touch around the side burn area), voice (a bit up and down, but not too noticeable yet), moodiness. The moodiness has been quite hard to deal with at times. Last weekend was the worst that we had gone through, but we did get though it fine. We just have to keep communicating to each other and allow the moods to come and go, because you cannot control them. Overall, Max is really enjoying the changes.
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