One of my jobs I have recently resigned. In summary I was being bullied and taken for granted. Therefore I have been quiet stressed lately. The thing is, if my partner was diagnosed with Lupus or Diabetes or even broke their legs, I would have felt comfortable saying to my boss, “My partner has just been diagnosed with ...” so that my boss would lay off me for a while. However, I did not feel comfortable telling my boss that my partner is transitioning from female to male. It is just too personal the information, but at the same time I want some understanding of my life and the extra stress I am under. I think this situation highlights the stigma of gender variant people and that this stigma is an added stress of being a partner.
My other job is going really well, and they have offered me more work – doing the same thing but at another facility. Since I started this job, I have used male pronouns when talking about my partner. However one of the psychologist at the other facility I did my doctorate with, and they know that I identify as lesbian (or I did during the doctorate - not sure how I identify anymore). I guess I had not thought about running into people in my past.
I have not kept up with contacts from the doctorate. I was a bit on the outer, I think due to being gay. Actually I was the only girl in the class not invite to baby showers and hen’s nights. This actually really hurt my feelings, as I would still like to go to these events, and people should not jump to conclusions based on sexual preferences. Anyway, even though I am friends with many on facebook, I have not contacted any of my ex-fellow students to give them updates on my life. Actually not one of my friends commented (on facebook) on the name change of Max.
So now I have to speak to Linda before I start using male pronouns at the new facility as I don’t want to be seen as a liar (similar thoughts as before). I am not sure what she has said to the others, she could have outed me as lesbian before I start. I am actually quiet anxious about this situation. I do want to be honest to Linda and talk to her; I just hope I get the time.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
The road to surgery
It is customary in Australia for a transguy to be on T for 12 months before top surgery. Firstly a definition - top surgery is removal of the breasts with a chest reconstruction into a male chest, it is not a mastectomy. Max has been on T for 6 months now, and with every passing day he is becoming more and more restless to get his “chesticles” (what he calls them) off. They (still not sure who it is that is making these decisions) believe that 12 months is a good time, as by this stage the pectoral muscles have developed into a more masculine shape making it easier for the surgeon to reconstruct into a male chest. Anyway, Max thought it would be good to start doing some research, which I am not against, but thought that it might fuel his eagerness to get them off. Surprisingly, there are only 4 surgeons in the whole of Australia that do this type of surgery. Additionally the only one in Melbourne (there is one in Perth, one in Brisbane and one in Sydney) is 70 years old and about to retire. Therefore we are limited to three. Max didn’t find any information on the one in Perth, however did find some photos of previous top surgery for the ones in Brisbane and Sydney. So Max started getting ready to organise surgery. I thought it was a little early but I was wrong. The following is in Max’s words.
So I thought I would jump the gun and book my consult for surgery this morning. I'm a little anxious about budget and what Medicare and my health fund would cover so I thought I'd get on top of things to reduce my anxiety. Clearly I haven’t learnt from my past experiences, which in relation to medical transition (booking appointments, etc) have been quite stressful. This turned out to be no different.
Research into procedures and results over the past few weeks has led me to choose Megan Hassall in Sydney for my top surgery. So I called her rooms this morning and was informed that the next available consult is in February 2011. I booked my appointment, got all the pertinent information and was told to bring both a referral and a letter from my psychiatrist. Given that I’m hoping to get my procedure done in April 2011, it feels like cutting it a bit fine. But OK.
Given that I have chosen to go with an interstate surgeon, I’m wondering what the role of the local gender clinic is for me. I am a patient of the clinic and I’m wondering why. So I called them this morning. (I called them last week to begin these discussions about surgery, but the clinic is only open on Tuesday and Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get in touch with them until today.) I explained that I am seeing their psychiatrist as a private patient at his private rooms, that I am seeing a psychologist as a private patient and that I have booked my consult for surgery in NSW as a private patient. “So I am wondering what the clinic’s role is in my patient journey?” The response was very unclear – perhaps if you needed to see a social worker or another psychologist or someone else here. Like who??? How many mental health professionals can one person see? Given the complexity of my questions (really??) the receptionist had already put me through to someone else and this was the quality of response. I’m not sure what is more shocking – the fact that no one there is able to explain things to an intelligent, engaged and enquiring person or the fact that this person didn’t even know that Megan Hassall performs top surgery for FTMs.
The medical transition process has been an incredibly frustrating and often confusing journey so far.
So I thought I would jump the gun and book my consult for surgery this morning. I'm a little anxious about budget and what Medicare and my health fund would cover so I thought I'd get on top of things to reduce my anxiety. Clearly I haven’t learnt from my past experiences, which in relation to medical transition (booking appointments, etc) have been quite stressful. This turned out to be no different.
Research into procedures and results over the past few weeks has led me to choose Megan Hassall in Sydney for my top surgery. So I called her rooms this morning and was informed that the next available consult is in February 2011. I booked my appointment, got all the pertinent information and was told to bring both a referral and a letter from my psychiatrist. Given that I’m hoping to get my procedure done in April 2011, it feels like cutting it a bit fine. But OK.
Given that I have chosen to go with an interstate surgeon, I’m wondering what the role of the local gender clinic is for me. I am a patient of the clinic and I’m wondering why. So I called them this morning. (I called them last week to begin these discussions about surgery, but the clinic is only open on Tuesday and Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get in touch with them until today.) I explained that I am seeing their psychiatrist as a private patient at his private rooms, that I am seeing a psychologist as a private patient and that I have booked my consult for surgery in NSW as a private patient. “So I am wondering what the clinic’s role is in my patient journey?” The response was very unclear – perhaps if you needed to see a social worker or another psychologist or someone else here. Like who??? How many mental health professionals can one person see? Given the complexity of my questions (really??) the receptionist had already put me through to someone else and this was the quality of response. I’m not sure what is more shocking – the fact that no one there is able to explain things to an intelligent, engaged and enquiring person or the fact that this person didn’t even know that Megan Hassall performs top surgery for FTMs.
The medical transition process has been an incredibly frustrating and often confusing journey so far.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Expanding boundaries of attraction
I have noticed a strange phenomenon. I’m starting to look at guys now. I am paying attention to how they dress, if I would consider them attractive or not, the size of their arms, facial hair and so on. This is really unusual for me as in the past I had a total blind spot for men. I could spot a Butch a mile away, but would not be able to tell you what the man standing next to me was wearing. Because I am a psychologist I had an idea about why this is happening. I don't think this has to do with my sexual attraction changing, I think that it has to do with social comparison theory. Social comparison theory is the idea that there is a drive within individuals to look to outside images in order to evaluate our own opinions and abilities. These images may be a reference to physical reality or in comparison to other people. Thus, we humans have the tendency to compare ourselves to others. For example, is she smarted than me? Am I fitter than her? We also do this with our relationships and partners. We compare so we know where we sit in society. So previously before Max started transitioning I would compare him to the other Butches, and know that (by social comparison) my Butch was handsome and sexy. However, now that he is 6 months into his transition and passes as male. I now compare him to men to see where he sits; how he dresses, how attractive he is, the size of his arms. I think he is a very handsome and sexy man, when I look at other men.
Additionally, I think another psychological theory could explain my “expanding boundaries of attraction” and that is cognitive dissonance. When people experience cognitive dissonance, which is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding simultaneously conflicting ideas, thoughts and/or beliefs, they are motivated to change their thoughts, beliefs and ideas to reduce the uncomfortable feelings. For example, you might have a belief that you dislike a certain vegetable, however at a friend’s house you unknowingly eat the vegetable and enjoy it. When you find out you have eaten and enjoyed the vegetable, and understand that this does not fit with your belief on disliking that vegetable. You, therefore change your belief to, I don't dislike that vegetable when it is cooked/prepared etc. in a certain way. For my experience, I had the belief that I did not find men attractive, however now that I am with a man, to reduce my cognitive dissonance, I need to change my belief. I don’t think I have fully formed it yet, but I think my thoughts and beliefs are in line with what is my main attraction to Max, which is that I am attracted to his strength and security, thus I find these characteristics attractive in men. When I was talking to my psychologist about this the other day, he noted that when I describe what I am attracted to they are characteristics rather than as physical attributes. I guess I will just watch and see how this evolves.
Additionally, I think another psychological theory could explain my “expanding boundaries of attraction” and that is cognitive dissonance. When people experience cognitive dissonance, which is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding simultaneously conflicting ideas, thoughts and/or beliefs, they are motivated to change their thoughts, beliefs and ideas to reduce the uncomfortable feelings. For example, you might have a belief that you dislike a certain vegetable, however at a friend’s house you unknowingly eat the vegetable and enjoy it. When you find out you have eaten and enjoyed the vegetable, and understand that this does not fit with your belief on disliking that vegetable. You, therefore change your belief to, I don't dislike that vegetable when it is cooked/prepared etc. in a certain way. For my experience, I had the belief that I did not find men attractive, however now that I am with a man, to reduce my cognitive dissonance, I need to change my belief. I don’t think I have fully formed it yet, but I think my thoughts and beliefs are in line with what is my main attraction to Max, which is that I am attracted to his strength and security, thus I find these characteristics attractive in men. When I was talking to my psychologist about this the other day, he noted that when I describe what I am attracted to they are characteristics rather than as physical attributes. I guess I will just watch and see how this evolves.
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