Max's Manniversary

Today is Max’s one year on testosterone. I really cannot believe that it has been one full year. I remember clearly, a year ago, of having the desire to jump ahead 12 months to have a look and see if everything was going to be alright. I obviously had fears such as not liking Max on testosterone, not being attracted to him, personality changing, problems with communication, losing my identity to name a few. So it feels funny to compare my fears to how I currently feel. I have no regrets for Max to transition and I never felt any grief (which some partners of transguys report). I believe he makes a very sexy, handsome man (well if I am going to be with a man, we might as well be sexy and handsome). His personality has not changed, well personality is hard to define at the best of times, so I mean he has not become some aggressive, egocentric person. He still has the same values, treats me and everyone with respect, he is a thoughtful and hard working person, all things I love about him. What has changed is his confidence, he can socialise with more ease, he holds his head up when we are out, and he believes in himself. I totally adore these outcomes, it was so hard before he started T with trying to get him out of the house and to loosen up and have fun, as he was so depressed. In regards to communication changes, I have adapted quite well. Max defiantly talks less. Also I have noticed that if I want to have a deep conversation with its best if I wait until he is in the right mood. However, generally we do communicate well, I may need to be a bit more overt with my emotions and expressing my needs, but as long as I communicate clearly everything is alright. Our relationship has a very firm foundation that we have worked on our entire relationship (nearly 3 years together), which has gotten us through the tough times. In regards to my identity, I have noticed a bit of a change. Before I would identify as a Femme lesbian, now I have dropped the lesbian and just say Femme or maybe Queer Femme with a lesbian history if I need to say more.
Thinking about the history of Femmes, they have always dated genderqueer/trans*, the names might have changed (i.e., passing women in the early 1900s, butch in the 1950s, trans* 2000s [I am generalising to make a point]) but femmes have always dated those on the fringe of gender expression. Some historical text allude to the female partners of the ‘passing women’ where fooled and didn’t know their partner was a woman and not a man. This is such a joke Femmes know who they are and who they date. I just think that more Femmes are dating transguys now because society now has the ability to assist genderqueer/trans* to medically transition if they wish, and I believe many of the ‘passing women’ of the old days would have medically transitioned if they could. Now, I should state, in case people don’t know, there is a huge difference between Femmes and Lipstick Lesbians. Lipsticks date other Lipsticks and Femmes date Butches/Genderqueers/Trans (on the masculine side). The reason the terms are different is to help with dating, as Lipsticks can look like Femmes and vice versa. Femmes have the understanding of dating Butches/Genderqueers/Trans, for example they understanding the need for a soft place to land at home (as it can be hard to be who they are out in society), also that you may need to check out the toilet situation at restaurants and report back to them etc. [Disclaimer, people are free to label themselves and date whoever they want, I am just reporting on my background].

Last Friday we went to Misty’s Diner, a 1950s retro diner, to celebrate his Manniversary with 20 of our closest friends. We had a great time, and Max was on fire, chatting to everyone and having a great time. Even the owner, Misty, wanted to hire him as he was doing such a good job coordinating all the food orders. To digress, I have noticed that there is an attraction to the 1950s from the butch/femme/trans/queer community, and I think this has to do with the well defined gender norms of the times. Women were very feminine and men were very masculine, think Mad Men TV show. Now I am not saying the butch/femme/trans/queers are very strict about gender norms, as they tend to tnterpret it their own queer way. For example, one thing that I have noticed is that many Femmes who date genderqueers/butches/transguys, and are attracted to expressing 1950s femininity tend to have a number of rocker-billy tattoos, mixed in with their gorgeous pencil skirts, and head scarfs. Max and I have our own attraction to the 1950s too; both of us love the clothes and the furniture. Anyway, so back to the night, it was a very fun celebration. All our friends (straight, gay, queer, trans*) have been so supportive and it was great to give thanks to their role in our lives. I have to say, I have not had one bad experience. Not even my hairdresser, or my osteopath even batted an eye lid when I explained why my partner has changed his name (and pronouns). I keep getting myself ready for a negative response, by being on guard, but nothing bad has happened. I am so thrilled about this. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have been wonderfully kind and compassionate.

If I could talk to myself 12 months ago I would say, “You won’t lose your partner, you will gain through this experience, some times are tough, but overall it will be positive”.