I'm just about to start a new job and I have always come out as a lesbian (since I was 18 years old), quite easily and I have never felt uncomfortable with coming out. But with Max transitioning, I don't know if I should come out as a lesbian and then correct them in a few months time? Or if I should just try now and just pretend to be straight? Or do I say I'm queer and explain the whole FTM thing? Is this too full on for a new job, at the start to tell people? I just have so many questions running through my head and I am just not sure what I should say or do? This is something I really need to think about as I have orientation today and I start the job in 2 weeks.
It is a lot easier to come out as a lesbian. People know it, people get the idea. But to say that your partner is trans, especially about the connation of what a 'trannie' is - male to female - is what people generally think about. I asked some colleagues at my other job, who don't know my private life, what does trans mean to you, what does transgender mean, what does transexual mean? (in the context of a new research area). There replies were about men cross dressing, doing drag, drag queens and gay men. Many people do not know that a transexual can be female to male or a transguy/transman. So do I have to explain it all? I don't mind educating people. It is just that I don't want to put people off at the start of a new job, especially when my job is about being someone that people can talk to about their emotions and thoughts. So ... I guess I might just go with the flow and see what feels right.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Grooming - can he do it
Well I have not written a journal entry for a couple of weeks, since we saw the psychologist together. I believe that things have come down a lot after the initial processing of Max contemplating transitioning. We chat about it from time to time, but without the intensity of the first week or two. We continue to read our books and search the net. I was able to find some academic articles about partners of FTMs which I am yet to read, but I am glad that they do exist (though very few in number). We feel that this process of making the decision, even if it happens or not, it has brought us closer. We have shared so much, and a lot of it we have never shared with anyone before.
On the weekend of the 6th and 7th of February, Max started to shave. As I have stated before, this is something that he has always wanted to do. So we went out and bought all the materials. I have never really looked into male skin care and shaving before, and I am amazed how many products there are. Anyway we bought the cheap razors, as who needs to have a razor with 4 or 5 blades on it ... talk about razor burn! Also this weekend was Pride March, the last day of the Midsumma carnival. My mum came a long for the first time. She had a great time and I was so proud of her for coming. All my friends enjoyed her being there and showing/explaining the floats to her. I believe that my mum will be okay with Max transitioning and I think she may be able to help us when we need to talk to Max's parents and my dad.
My biggest worry with Max transitioning is the amount of grooming he will need to do once he has started T. He has admitted that he has got a little lazy with his nighttime showers. He tends to shower every 2 (sometimes even third, but don't tell anyone) day. Also he does not really look after his skin, such as moisturising. I know that with starting T, acne is a big problem for some. So if this happens he will need to SHOWER EVERYDAY and exfoliate and moisturise. Also he will have to shave regularly as I do not think I will adjust to well to facial hair when kissing him. So to ease my anxiety he has been shaving every three to four days and showering every day to prove to me that he can do it. I did notice when he was kissing me yesterday that I could feel some tiny pinprick hairs. It did not bother me at all, but I assume that the hairs will be totally different when he is on T.
On the weekend of the 6th and 7th of February, Max started to shave. As I have stated before, this is something that he has always wanted to do. So we went out and bought all the materials. I have never really looked into male skin care and shaving before, and I am amazed how many products there are. Anyway we bought the cheap razors, as who needs to have a razor with 4 or 5 blades on it ... talk about razor burn! Also this weekend was Pride March, the last day of the Midsumma carnival. My mum came a long for the first time. She had a great time and I was so proud of her for coming. All my friends enjoyed her being there and showing/explaining the floats to her. I believe that my mum will be okay with Max transitioning and I think she may be able to help us when we need to talk to Max's parents and my dad.
My biggest worry with Max transitioning is the amount of grooming he will need to do once he has started T. He has admitted that he has got a little lazy with his nighttime showers. He tends to shower every 2 (sometimes even third, but don't tell anyone) day. Also he does not really look after his skin, such as moisturising. I know that with starting T, acne is a big problem for some. So if this happens he will need to SHOWER EVERYDAY and exfoliate and moisturise. Also he will have to shave regularly as I do not think I will adjust to well to facial hair when kissing him. So to ease my anxiety he has been shaving every three to four days and showering every day to prove to me that he can do it. I did notice when he was kissing me yesterday that I could feel some tiny pinprick hairs. It did not bother me at all, but I assume that the hairs will be totally different when he is on T.
Monday, February 15, 2010
It has started - we meet our first health professional.
05/02/10
We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).
My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.
Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.
We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).
My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.
Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
waiting to see the psychologist
03/02/10
Today is the day that I started this blog. Max and I thought it was a good idea as there is nothing really out there for partners. I know this is only a start but it is at least one. Maybe one day I might write a book, but that is jumping a bit a head of myself. What we also did today was to use my make-up to put 'facial hair' on Max to see what it might look like. I started with the side burns, which I know he is totally looking forward to having. The I went down the jaw line and made a mo and goatee. We took photos before and after. We were surprised that his face looked skinner and more definded with the facial hair. He really like it. I was thinking that it is more hair than I want on him. I like the sideburns, but hair around the mouth I think will bother me when we kiss. And we kiss a lot!
We did not talk much about the transition today as we have been. I think we have discussed so much about it, that we are getting use to it and coming to terms with it. We are both eager to see the psychologist. I can feel the weight of the wait.
A funny thing on Facebook this week was for people to post their famous person Doppelganger. Max posted a picture of Matt Damon. He really does have a resemblance to Matt Damon and many people commented that too.
04/02/10.
I finished the book S/he. It is not really a book about being a partner of someone who is trans*, but it is at the same time. It is a lot of stories about her life and I really enjoyed her writing style.
The psychologist session is tomorrow.
Today is the day that I started this blog. Max and I thought it was a good idea as there is nothing really out there for partners. I know this is only a start but it is at least one. Maybe one day I might write a book, but that is jumping a bit a head of myself. What we also did today was to use my make-up to put 'facial hair' on Max to see what it might look like. I started with the side burns, which I know he is totally looking forward to having. The I went down the jaw line and made a mo and goatee. We took photos before and after. We were surprised that his face looked skinner and more definded with the facial hair. He really like it. I was thinking that it is more hair than I want on him. I like the sideburns, but hair around the mouth I think will bother me when we kiss. And we kiss a lot!
We did not talk much about the transition today as we have been. I think we have discussed so much about it, that we are getting use to it and coming to terms with it. We are both eager to see the psychologist. I can feel the weight of the wait.
A funny thing on Facebook this week was for people to post their famous person Doppelganger. Max posted a picture of Matt Damon. He really does have a resemblance to Matt Damon and many people commented that too.
04/02/10.
I finished the book S/he. It is not really a book about being a partner of someone who is trans*, but it is at the same time. It is a lot of stories about her life and I really enjoyed her writing style.
The psychologist session is tomorrow.
Monday, February 8, 2010
We communicate so well
02/02/10
We watched more YouTube last night together. We realised that T can start to take effect pretty quickly. Some FTMs on YouTube had noticeable changes in the 2-4 months range. This means that Max's family will need regular contact so they are not shocked at the changes. This makes it a bit hard as his parents live overseas.
I read the letter that Max penned to his parents. It made me cry and I so hope that his parents are supportive and do not disown him. There are some great letter templates on the Transitional Male website and the FTM Australia website that help tell your family, boss and co-workers about the transition. Max used a template mixed with his own experience.
We talked about the possibility that Max will talk less after he transitions due to the reduced emotionality that me occur with T. This is something that I am worried about as I love this aspect of our relationship. We agreed that I already have the past experience (all my best friends have been males - queer and straight) so I am use to 'warming' guys up to speak. I also have the skills. Max does not speak much in social situations and I fill in the gap well. Also when he comes home I give him the chance to warm up and start talking. I feel better already after this conversation. We communicate so well.
I read my journal (now this blog) so far to him today and I made him cry. We then joked about getting it (the crying) all out now, before the T. We also spoke about how close he is already to being perceived as a male. He already passes nearly all the time (even without trying). he has masculine hobbies, masculine body and features (i.e., strong jaw, wide shoulders, big muscles), masculine clotheing style and a strong masculine way of operating in this world. He is already there; he just needs a little more. I don't think he will change that much more. If he wore a dress now (pre-T, pre-op), he would look like he is in drag.
We watched more YouTube last night together. We realised that T can start to take effect pretty quickly. Some FTMs on YouTube had noticeable changes in the 2-4 months range. This means that Max's family will need regular contact so they are not shocked at the changes. This makes it a bit hard as his parents live overseas.
I read the letter that Max penned to his parents. It made me cry and I so hope that his parents are supportive and do not disown him. There are some great letter templates on the Transitional Male website and the FTM Australia website that help tell your family, boss and co-workers about the transition. Max used a template mixed with his own experience.
We talked about the possibility that Max will talk less after he transitions due to the reduced emotionality that me occur with T. This is something that I am worried about as I love this aspect of our relationship. We agreed that I already have the past experience (all my best friends have been males - queer and straight) so I am use to 'warming' guys up to speak. I also have the skills. Max does not speak much in social situations and I fill in the gap well. Also when he comes home I give him the chance to warm up and start talking. I feel better already after this conversation. We communicate so well.
I read my journal (now this blog) so far to him today and I made him cry. We then joked about getting it (the crying) all out now, before the T. We also spoke about how close he is already to being perceived as a male. He already passes nearly all the time (even without trying). he has masculine hobbies, masculine body and features (i.e., strong jaw, wide shoulders, big muscles), masculine clotheing style and a strong masculine way of operating in this world. He is already there; he just needs a little more. I don't think he will change that much more. If he wore a dress now (pre-T, pre-op), he would look like he is in drag.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thanks YouTube
01/02/10
I watched YouTube videos today, one was called the "Best and worst of dating a FTM", which I don't think really mentioned anything negative except for people's reactions. I have learnt in life that you cannot control other people so I don't try, people can have their reactions, I don't have to have their's.
I watched many videos on the changes FTMs, transguys, genderqueers, transmasculines go through being on T. It is such a great resource having YouTube. I use to watch YouTube videos of FTMs before I even met Max. I guess this was due in part to my attraction of them. It feels weird to admit I have this attraction. It is so judged in our society, both gay and straight. I have had a hard time in the lesbian community being judged for being too femme, and dating women who are too butch.
I have a fantasy of jumping a head a year and seeing what Max will be like, so I will be able to say "yep I am happy with this for certain". However we don't have that luxury. We just cannot see into the future. On the other hand, I am glad that the changes will be gradual.
We have decided not to change his name and pronouns in public until he starts T. We haven't made the decision yet and what to keep in to us and a few close friends.
I feel some anxiety again today. I think it is about when it will occur. I feel a sense of urgency, and I think this may have to do with that, I want to know how the T will change his appearance and mood. I am not at all concerned about top surgery. I am actually all for it and have been for a long time. I know he hates his "lumps", as he puts it. The changes on T are what concern me more.
I watched YouTube videos today, one was called the "Best and worst of dating a FTM", which I don't think really mentioned anything negative except for people's reactions. I have learnt in life that you cannot control other people so I don't try, people can have their reactions, I don't have to have their's.
I watched many videos on the changes FTMs, transguys, genderqueers, transmasculines go through being on T. It is such a great resource having YouTube. I use to watch YouTube videos of FTMs before I even met Max. I guess this was due in part to my attraction of them. It feels weird to admit I have this attraction. It is so judged in our society, both gay and straight. I have had a hard time in the lesbian community being judged for being too femme, and dating women who are too butch.
I have a fantasy of jumping a head a year and seeing what Max will be like, so I will be able to say "yep I am happy with this for certain". However we don't have that luxury. We just cannot see into the future. On the other hand, I am glad that the changes will be gradual.
We have decided not to change his name and pronouns in public until he starts T. We haven't made the decision yet and what to keep in to us and a few close friends.
I feel some anxiety again today. I think it is about when it will occur. I feel a sense of urgency, and I think this may have to do with that, I want to know how the T will change his appearance and mood. I am not at all concerned about top surgery. I am actually all for it and have been for a long time. I know he hates his "lumps", as he puts it. The changes on T are what concern me more.
We're still queer
31/01/10
We told one of my closest friends and his girlfriend today. Travis and Christine were very supportive and understanding, especially for non-queer people and that they have never come across this before. So far no-one has questioned if I will or how I will stay with Max, which is fantastic. My answer, anyway, is because I love him. Christine did ask how we as lesbians would then identify. This is a great question and one that has plagued my head. The answer in a nutshell is QUEER. I will still be Femme and Max with still be Butch.
I feel so close to Max now, as he has let me in a little closer. Our relationship is just so strong and just seems to get better and better. I cannot imagine my life without him.
It feels weird chaning pronouns; I get a sense of excitement mixed with some apprehension. I am really looking forward to the confidence I believe will increase in Max and that the body dysphoria will lessen. However I worry about the reactions from others and the influence it may have on our relationship.
I am half way through the book S/he
We told one of my closest friends and his girlfriend today. Travis and Christine were very supportive and understanding, especially for non-queer people and that they have never come across this before. So far no-one has questioned if I will or how I will stay with Max, which is fantastic. My answer, anyway, is because I love him. Christine did ask how we as lesbians would then identify. This is a great question and one that has plagued my head. The answer in a nutshell is QUEER. I will still be Femme and Max with still be Butch.
I feel so close to Max now, as he has let me in a little closer. Our relationship is just so strong and just seems to get better and better. I cannot imagine my life without him.
It feels weird chaning pronouns; I get a sense of excitement mixed with some apprehension. I am really looking forward to the confidence I believe will increase in Max and that the body dysphoria will lessen. However I worry about the reactions from others and the influence it may have on our relationship.
I am half way through the book S/he
Changing pronouns at home
30/01/10
We thought that changing pronouns at home might be a good idea to try things. We both recalled that when I spoke to the psychologist and referred to "Jen" and "she", it felt wrong. Weird, that if felt wrong so quickly.
Max (Jen) and I have friends Aaron and Anabelle, who are a transguy and femme. We met them through the ButchFemmeTrans group about a year ago. We have been inviting them over for dinner for the past 3 months, but both of us have been so busy. We have finally set a date and we also told them about hte idea of transitioning. we have had to tell the people that we have told to keep it to themselves at the moment for 2 reasons. 1) We are still currently at the stage of making the decision to go through with it or not, 2) We don't want it to spread through the lesbian/queer community, we would like to be the ones that tell people.
Today, while we were talking about it again, for the first time we started to use humour. We started having some fun and laughing. Mostly at 'going though puberty stuff, such as the voice breaking'. Also as Max is only showering every 2 days, he will have to shower more as his smell will change. I also found out today, which I never knew before, was that Max has always wanted to shave. And he will have to. I am no experience of kissing anyone with facial hair, and I don't think I will like it too much. I know plenty of straight women who do not like kissing their partners when they have grown a mo for Movember.
The anxiety I am feeling today is about, will it happen. I just feel like I need to know, but I don't know why I have this need. I asked Max how likely he thinks it will go ahead. His reply was that he is 80% sure the transition will occur.
Max is very excited about gettting his gym/work out area organised in the bungalow. We had planned that it would be his space (called it the Butch Bungalow) when we moved in 3 months ago. Today we went shopping and he bought weights and a press table. He has already started working out. He wants to loss the subcut fat before he starts T.
We thought that changing pronouns at home might be a good idea to try things. We both recalled that when I spoke to the psychologist and referred to "Jen" and "she", it felt wrong. Weird, that if felt wrong so quickly.
Max (Jen) and I have friends Aaron and Anabelle, who are a transguy and femme. We met them through the ButchFemmeTrans group about a year ago. We have been inviting them over for dinner for the past 3 months, but both of us have been so busy. We have finally set a date and we also told them about hte idea of transitioning. we have had to tell the people that we have told to keep it to themselves at the moment for 2 reasons. 1) We are still currently at the stage of making the decision to go through with it or not, 2) We don't want it to spread through the lesbian/queer community, we would like to be the ones that tell people.
Today, while we were talking about it again, for the first time we started to use humour. We started having some fun and laughing. Mostly at 'going though puberty stuff, such as the voice breaking'. Also as Max is only showering every 2 days, he will have to shower more as his smell will change. I also found out today, which I never knew before, was that Max has always wanted to shave. And he will have to. I am no experience of kissing anyone with facial hair, and I don't think I will like it too much. I know plenty of straight women who do not like kissing their partners when they have grown a mo for Movember.
The anxiety I am feeling today is about, will it happen. I just feel like I need to know, but I don't know why I have this need. I asked Max how likely he thinks it will go ahead. His reply was that he is 80% sure the transition will occur.
Max is very excited about gettting his gym/work out area organised in the bungalow. We had planned that it would be his space (called it the Butch Bungalow) when we moved in 3 months ago. Today we went shopping and he bought weights and a press table. He has already started working out. He wants to loss the subcut fat before he starts T.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More research = less anxiety
29/01/10
I was at work again today, and I was just so glad that it is Friday. Again I could not stop thinking about it and looking things up on the internet. I have noticed that the more I read the better I feel. There are just so many myths and misconceptions about transitioning. The two best website resources I have come across are FTM Australia and Hudson's FTM Resource Guide they helped sort out so many of the myths, misconceptions and give so much practical information and resources.
We decided to tell John and Judy, when we saw them tonight, about Jen considering transitioning. They were the first people we told, and they were fantastic in their reaction, which was such a relief. They stated that they are not surprised at Jen's coming out. They even helped us to get excited about it, which had not yet happened to us at this stage. John mentioned that Jen could then do the the gay men leather bars with him, which Jen got very excited about. Jen has a lot of interest in the Leather scence, and being a leather dyke excludes you from so many men's bar. It is funny to think that when you transition, so many doors open that were closed before. But I guess many doors will close that were once open too.
Today we spoke heaps more about it. I guess we have both done more research and have processed more by now; we could talk to each other about it. I noticed that my anxiety has lessened. I 'came out' as attracted to transmen or as I prefer to put it 'queer masculinity'. Jen helped me to come out with this. She told me she knew. I just didn't want to realise for myself. It seems a bit weird to be attraced to transmen or queer masculinity. But as I come to terms with in, it makes sense. I remember having attractions to gay men over the years and butch dykes (of course). This is why I say 'queer masculinity'.
We spoke to the psychologist today and we have an appointment set up for Friday week. We both feel relieved that we don't have to wait too long. It feels like the cat is out of the bag, and we need to know some answers. I guess the bid one is "Will this happen, will she go through with this?"
I was at work again today, and I was just so glad that it is Friday. Again I could not stop thinking about it and looking things up on the internet. I have noticed that the more I read the better I feel. There are just so many myths and misconceptions about transitioning. The two best website resources I have come across are FTM Australia and Hudson's FTM Resource Guide they helped sort out so many of the myths, misconceptions and give so much practical information and resources.
We decided to tell John and Judy, when we saw them tonight, about Jen considering transitioning. They were the first people we told, and they were fantastic in their reaction, which was such a relief. They stated that they are not surprised at Jen's coming out. They even helped us to get excited about it, which had not yet happened to us at this stage. John mentioned that Jen could then do the the gay men leather bars with him, which Jen got very excited about. Jen has a lot of interest in the Leather scence, and being a leather dyke excludes you from so many men's bar. It is funny to think that when you transition, so many doors open that were closed before. But I guess many doors will close that were once open too.
Today we spoke heaps more about it. I guess we have both done more research and have processed more by now; we could talk to each other about it. I noticed that my anxiety has lessened. I 'came out' as attracted to transmen or as I prefer to put it 'queer masculinity'. Jen helped me to come out with this. She told me she knew. I just didn't want to realise for myself. It seems a bit weird to be attraced to transmen or queer masculinity. But as I come to terms with in, it makes sense. I remember having attractions to gay men over the years and butch dykes (of course). This is why I say 'queer masculinity'.
We spoke to the psychologist today and we have an appointment set up for Friday week. We both feel relieved that we don't have to wait too long. It feels like the cat is out of the bag, and we need to know some answers. I guess the bid one is "Will this happen, will she go through with this?"
So many question-thougths
28/01/10
Jen reported that she had a bad sleep the night before; that she took ages to fall asleep. My thoughts rolled around in my head too, but I was able to find sleep easier.
I found that I could not concentrate at work. I am distracted. There are so many thoughts in my head. Do I want this? Can I cope with this? What will my identity be? How will she change; physically, emotionally, sexually? What will my friends, family and co-workers think? Will they reject us? Will our relationship survive this? Are we still queer? Am I no longer a lesbian? Will people question me as to why I would stay with Jen? I cannot seem to answer these questions on my own. I conduct a low of research on the internet. I read about her experience; their experience of transitioning. There is very little for the partners.
I post a question of a transqueer website. I guess that this question is one of my main fears. "Did T change your personality?" I get a few replies. They all seem pretty positive, and there is no mention of any personality changes per se. Most of the replied are about some moodiness that subsides over time and less emotional reactions to things and situations (i.e., not being able to cry anymore). However that all report that confidence increases and anxiety/depression decreases. I reply back "I believe that there will be more confidence and I am looking forward to that."
Jen I spoke more today than we did yesterday, and I notive that my anxiety has started to lessen. I remember that we have been dancing around this gender issue with a long time. Through our conversations we start to answer my question-thoughts. Jen did tell me (with tears in her eyes) that if there is any 'no' from me, then it is a no go. I thanked her for her saying that . I replied so far there is no 'no'. But if one comes up, I will tell her immediately.
After work Jen came more with books for us to read. One of the books was for me, it was written by Leslie Feinberg's partner called S/he. The other books are called "From the inside out" and "Transmen and FTMs".
I'm so glad that we are both researching the hell out of this situation.
Jen reported that she had a bad sleep the night before; that she took ages to fall asleep. My thoughts rolled around in my head too, but I was able to find sleep easier.
I found that I could not concentrate at work. I am distracted. There are so many thoughts in my head. Do I want this? Can I cope with this? What will my identity be? How will she change; physically, emotionally, sexually? What will my friends, family and co-workers think? Will they reject us? Will our relationship survive this? Are we still queer? Am I no longer a lesbian? Will people question me as to why I would stay with Jen? I cannot seem to answer these questions on my own. I conduct a low of research on the internet. I read about her experience; their experience of transitioning. There is very little for the partners.
I post a question of a transqueer website. I guess that this question is one of my main fears. "Did T change your personality?" I get a few replies. They all seem pretty positive, and there is no mention of any personality changes per se. Most of the replied are about some moodiness that subsides over time and less emotional reactions to things and situations (i.e., not being able to cry anymore). However that all report that confidence increases and anxiety/depression decreases. I reply back "I believe that there will be more confidence and I am looking forward to that."
Jen I spoke more today than we did yesterday, and I notive that my anxiety has started to lessen. I remember that we have been dancing around this gender issue with a long time. Through our conversations we start to answer my question-thoughts. Jen did tell me (with tears in her eyes) that if there is any 'no' from me, then it is a no go. I thanked her for her saying that . I replied so far there is no 'no'. But if one comes up, I will tell her immediately.
After work Jen came more with books for us to read. One of the books was for me, it was written by Leslie Feinberg's partner called S/he. The other books are called "From the inside out" and "Transmen and FTMs".
I'm so glad that we are both researching the hell out of this situation.
My partner told me
27/01/2010
I'm off to the local shopping centre to do some errands while Jen is at work. I have to get some yoghurt, think if we need any ingredients for dinner (we're having Thai tonight) and pick up her jacket from the alteration place. Jen always buys her clothes in the men's department. I have never known her to wear or purchase any female clothing (including underwear). Two days earler, we were at the shopping centre as I needed one of those super Chinese massages. Jen decided to buy some clothes from the major department store. I always thought she had a good dress style, and I still remember exactly what she wore on our first date nearly two years ago. I also remember the thought "How sexy, a real Butch!"
She had decided on a black casual jacket, however, as always the sleeves are too long. So the next stop was the clothing alteration place. The shop assistant when asking for contact details, did not pick up the fact that Jen was a butch woman. The shop assistant wrote Jed on the ticket. So here I was two days later with a ticket stub for Jed and I was in the chocolate shop next door. I spied a chocolate bar called a 'Yorkie', with the line "Not for girls". I just thought of Jen immediately. She is not a girl; I have never really thought of her as a girl. So therefore the chocolate bar is for her, and I bought it.
Later that night, I gave the bar to Jen. She thought it a hoot. She has always been Butch to me. Butch as in the noun, as in the gender. She said to me an hour or so later. I am thinking of transitioning. I was not surprised, but I could feel a little anxiety in me. We had a little joke about the bar, but we didn't talk too much about it. I gave her my support to explore this with her. The only decision that we made was to talk to her GP and find a psychologist that specialises in it.
We found it hard to find a psychologist that has good experience and a reputation in helping couples make this decision. I remember that last year I was invited (by Aaron - a transguy friend) to attend a workshop at the Zoe Belle Gender Centre for partners of gender variant people. The psychologist was Vikki Sinnott. Last year in August, and I guess this is the researcher in me, I googled her name. I found a peper she wrote for the DHS entitled "Best practice models for the assessment, treatment and care or transgender people and people with transsexualism: A discussion paper for Victoria (Australia)". I downloaded the paper and keep it. I gave Jen the psychologist's name.
I'm off to the local shopping centre to do some errands while Jen is at work. I have to get some yoghurt, think if we need any ingredients for dinner (we're having Thai tonight) and pick up her jacket from the alteration place. Jen always buys her clothes in the men's department. I have never known her to wear or purchase any female clothing (including underwear). Two days earler, we were at the shopping centre as I needed one of those super Chinese massages. Jen decided to buy some clothes from the major department store. I always thought she had a good dress style, and I still remember exactly what she wore on our first date nearly two years ago. I also remember the thought "How sexy, a real Butch!"
She had decided on a black casual jacket, however, as always the sleeves are too long. So the next stop was the clothing alteration place. The shop assistant when asking for contact details, did not pick up the fact that Jen was a butch woman. The shop assistant wrote Jed on the ticket. So here I was two days later with a ticket stub for Jed and I was in the chocolate shop next door. I spied a chocolate bar called a 'Yorkie', with the line "Not for girls". I just thought of Jen immediately. She is not a girl; I have never really thought of her as a girl. So therefore the chocolate bar is for her, and I bought it.
Later that night, I gave the bar to Jen. She thought it a hoot. She has always been Butch to me. Butch as in the noun, as in the gender. She said to me an hour or so later. I am thinking of transitioning. I was not surprised, but I could feel a little anxiety in me. We had a little joke about the bar, but we didn't talk too much about it. I gave her my support to explore this with her. The only decision that we made was to talk to her GP and find a psychologist that specialises in it.
We found it hard to find a psychologist that has good experience and a reputation in helping couples make this decision. I remember that last year I was invited (by Aaron - a transguy friend) to attend a workshop at the Zoe Belle Gender Centre for partners of gender variant people. The psychologist was Vikki Sinnott. Last year in August, and I guess this is the researcher in me, I googled her name. I found a peper she wrote for the DHS entitled "Best practice models for the assessment, treatment and care or transgender people and people with transsexualism: A discussion paper for Victoria (Australia)". I downloaded the paper and keep it. I gave Jen the psychologist's name.
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