5 month on T and family update

Time for an update on T changes and family, I think, well Max’s family has really been quiet slow to establish a clear and open dialogue. I know it is a lot to get use to but, the T won’t wait for any body. Max has spoken to his Mum twice since the phone call in June, and he has not spoken to his Dad at all. His Mum states that his Dad is still too upset to talk about it. At least the conversations with his Mum are going well, last time she was asking questions and listening to the answers (which is not like her, as she can be absorbed with her own life). We have also not seen his brother for awhile. They (his brother and his brother’s wife) told us that they were fine with it and that they will tell the kids soon, but nothing has eventuated. I am not sure if they understand how fast the changes T can make. I hope that when we see the niece and nephew that they are not too shocked. They are young and I am sure will roll with the changes fine.

Five months today Max started T. I have noticed quite a few changes. His voice is a lot lower, his face has changed shape (his cheeks are bigger as is his chin, also the skin is not as smooth), his has a lot more hair, more muscles and strength, he is broader in the shoulders and there has been a lot of changes in weight distribution. There have also been psychological and emotional changes too. Emotionally he reports that he cannot cry like he use to, even if he wishes he just cannot. He also stated that his empathic response has changed too. He doesn’t want to sit around and “chit chat” anymore, he wants to “get out and do things”. Psychologically he has been so much happier, his confidence has increased, and he has more energy and is enjoying life. He is still stressed from time to time about his family coping with his transition but that is normal.

I notice that I have not written anything about his work situation. I will have to do that in the future.

Feeling like a vulnerable liar.

Of course having a partner transition from female to male will have its difficult moments, and I am not going to pretend like it is all fine. I am having trouble with my identity, feeling like a liar and being unsure if I can cope with this. I understand that our ‘minds’ allow us to think of all the things that could go wrong and I try not to get caught up in my thoughts too much. However it has been really useful seeing a psychologist, as this gives me room to explore those ‘dark’ thoughts but in a time limited, safe environment way and to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and might not be reality based at all. Additionally, speaking out the thoughts can help me to process them and move on.

So I am going to share some of these thoughts and how I have processed them. I have noticed that from time to time, I would swing wildly from feeling really fine with Max’s transition to not feeling okay about it all. I realised that when I am feeling good about it, I am thinking about how much I love him and that he as a person and what I love about him is not going to change (e.g., his moral values). When I am not feeling okay, I believe it is about being unsure if I will cope and be strong. Additionally I am struggling with the feelings of being vulnerable, which are linked to being able to cope. I have thoughts that include “I am a psychologist I should be okay”, “I am active in the queer/trans community, and therefore I should be able to cope with this”. I understand these are ‘should statements’ and that life is a more complicated than “I should have all the answers” which is really an unrealistic expectation.

Additionally, I have come to realise that I worry about being seen as a liar. I value in myself, about being an honest, open person. However I find myself now in positions where I feel that I am not being. For example, at my new job they believe me to be heterosexual and every time I am casually speaking to a colleague about the weekend or something, I have this sense of being a liar. I do understand that I don’t want to (or need to) share such personal information with work colleagues about my private (sexual) life. But this feeling really does irritate me as I have always in the past come out as a lesbian. I do realise that I have to learn to sit with this discomfort, until it passes, which I feel it will sometime in the future as I get use to people (strangers, work colleagues etc.) seeing me as heterosexual. I also realised during the psychology session that while I struggle with not feeling honest, at the same time enjoying hetero privilege but then feeling guilty about that. Interesting, huh?

I also feel a bit like a liar when my friends ask me how I identify. So when I tell my friends that I am with an FTM/trans-guy, I worry about them thinking that I am not a lesbian or a failed one (use to be made to feel that way for dating Butches) and that I was lying to them, or that I am lying now because I am a lesbian (but with a trans-guy). So I cannot win, however I understand that this is my thoughts in my head and not necessarily fact. My friends have been hugely supportive and understanding. Also talking to my psychologist I realised that I am still able to be honest and say “I don't know how I identify. I am not straight but that I just don't know what I am” and I am being honest.

I do realise though and we have already learnt this lesson that I need to communicate what is happening and what I am thinking. I am doing this.