Feeling like a vulnerable liar.

Of course having a partner transition from female to male will have its difficult moments, and I am not going to pretend like it is all fine. I am having trouble with my identity, feeling like a liar and being unsure if I can cope with this. I understand that our ‘minds’ allow us to think of all the things that could go wrong and I try not to get caught up in my thoughts too much. However it has been really useful seeing a psychologist, as this gives me room to explore those ‘dark’ thoughts but in a time limited, safe environment way and to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and might not be reality based at all. Additionally, speaking out the thoughts can help me to process them and move on.

So I am going to share some of these thoughts and how I have processed them. I have noticed that from time to time, I would swing wildly from feeling really fine with Max’s transition to not feeling okay about it all. I realised that when I am feeling good about it, I am thinking about how much I love him and that he as a person and what I love about him is not going to change (e.g., his moral values). When I am not feeling okay, I believe it is about being unsure if I will cope and be strong. Additionally I am struggling with the feelings of being vulnerable, which are linked to being able to cope. I have thoughts that include “I am a psychologist I should be okay”, “I am active in the queer/trans community, and therefore I should be able to cope with this”. I understand these are ‘should statements’ and that life is a more complicated than “I should have all the answers” which is really an unrealistic expectation.

Additionally, I have come to realise that I worry about being seen as a liar. I value in myself, about being an honest, open person. However I find myself now in positions where I feel that I am not being. For example, at my new job they believe me to be heterosexual and every time I am casually speaking to a colleague about the weekend or something, I have this sense of being a liar. I do understand that I don’t want to (or need to) share such personal information with work colleagues about my private (sexual) life. But this feeling really does irritate me as I have always in the past come out as a lesbian. I do realise that I have to learn to sit with this discomfort, until it passes, which I feel it will sometime in the future as I get use to people (strangers, work colleagues etc.) seeing me as heterosexual. I also realised during the psychology session that while I struggle with not feeling honest, at the same time enjoying hetero privilege but then feeling guilty about that. Interesting, huh?

I also feel a bit like a liar when my friends ask me how I identify. So when I tell my friends that I am with an FTM/trans-guy, I worry about them thinking that I am not a lesbian or a failed one (use to be made to feel that way for dating Butches) and that I was lying to them, or that I am lying now because I am a lesbian (but with a trans-guy). So I cannot win, however I understand that this is my thoughts in my head and not necessarily fact. My friends have been hugely supportive and understanding. Also talking to my psychologist I realised that I am still able to be honest and say “I don't know how I identify. I am not straight but that I just don't know what I am” and I am being honest.

I do realise though and we have already learnt this lesson that I need to communicate what is happening and what I am thinking. I am doing this.

14 weeks on T

The last two weeks have been very up and down with a lot going on. Max’s mood swings have stabilised since being on 250, which has been a relief for both of us. Two weeks ago Max spoke to his Mum on the phone and it was a really positive, though difficult, conversation. His Mum was very honest about her feelings, not only to herself but to Max, which I think is a good thing as it is easier to deal with honesty than people pretending everything is alright. During this phone conversation, his parents gave their support and understanding but also admitted that they need time to process it all. His Mum is planning on going to Cleveland where other members of the extended family live so she can get some support. Max and I think it is a good idea, as his Mum is a bit isolated in Singapore and the extended family in Cleveland understand Max’s transition and are supportive of it. However since the phone conversation two weeks ago, Max has not spoken to his parents. Actually he hasn’t spoken to his Dad at all since telling them. Max was getting worried that as time lapsed and his voice deepened, that it might be harder for his parents to deal with the changes of the transition. He sent them an email explaining this. However the day his Dad received the email was the day that his Dad was going to ring him, but his Dad decided not to ring him (rang his brother instead). His Dad said that the email shocked him (about the voice changes) and that he could not bring himself to call Max. We understand that they need time to adjust to the huge news, and we (Max and I) have decided to let them set the pace of giving them information. Since his Dad has reported to be no longer coping he is going to go to Cleveland too, which we think will be really good for him too. I think that Max’s Dad no longer coping is really a sign that it is starting to sink in, thus no longer denial and will be on the path of acceptance. We saw Max’s brother and sister-in-law yesterday and they are doing really well now. I think they still do not understand the changes T will bring, but they are being supportive. They also still use “she” and Max’s birth name, but they have not told their children yet so we understand. They are planning on telling them soon.

On Wednesday I went to see a psychologist for myself. We thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to talk to that it is not directly involved in the situation. A lot of my close friends have offered me to call them anytime to talk about this, and I feel really honoured to have such wonderful friends. However I do feel uncomfortable talking to friends about my relationship with Max, especially the difficult parts, as this can influence people’s perceptions of our relationship. Having a psychologist who has experience in this area should be helpful and a safe place to explore all the thoughts that run through my mind. Even though I only have had one session, and most of it was about the background story, we still got to discuss some really interesting points that I had not thought of before. We talked about having (being involved in) a relationship that is beyond gender. We do in this society get really caught up in the binary gender dichotomy. It is really interesting to think about the person you are with, not how they look, not how they present to the world, not how they dress or their mannerisms, but about their values, moral and the way the treat you. I am not dating Max because of his gender (maybe this is how we meet and it started), but I stay with him because of how he treats me, how well we work together, his view of the world and most importantly his values and morals. Also the psychologist and I talked about labels. This is something that I am struggling with time to time. After spending the last 12-13 years identifying as a lesbian, I wonder if I can continue to do this - probably not. Max and I will not be able to attend lesbian events together, not that we have for awhile. I could identify as queer, but that label just seems too broad for me. When I listen to the gay radio station they talk about the GLBTI community and I wonder which letter is for me? There is no letter or label for someone who is dating a transguy. After speaking to the psychologist I feel comfortable with I identify as ‘with Max’ than any particular label.

It has started - we meet our first health professional.

05/02/10

We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).

My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.

Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.

waiting to see the psychologist

03/02/10

Today is the day that I started this blog. Max and I thought it was a good idea as there is nothing really out there for partners. I know this is only a start but it is at least one. Maybe one day I might write a book, but that is jumping a bit a head of myself. What we also did today was to use my make-up to put 'facial hair' on Max to see what it might look like. I started with the side burns, which I know he is totally looking forward to having. The I went down the jaw line and made a mo and goatee. We took photos before and after. We were surprised that his face looked skinner and more definded with the facial hair. He really like it. I was thinking that it is more hair than I want on him. I like the sideburns, but hair around the mouth I think will bother me when we kiss. And we kiss a lot!

We did not talk much about the transition today as we have been. I think we have discussed so much about it, that we are getting use to it and coming to terms with it. We are both eager to see the psychologist. I can feel the weight of the wait.

A funny thing on Facebook this week was for people to post their famous person Doppelganger. Max posted a picture of Matt Damon. He really does have a resemblance to Matt Damon and many people commented that too.

04/02/10.

I finished the book S/he. It is not really a book about being a partner of someone who is trans*, but it is at the same time. It is a lot of stories about her life and I really enjoyed her writing style.

The psychologist session is tomorrow.