So there is not much to report as we are playing the waiting game. My only struggle at the moment, is the changing between male and female pronouns for certain people and situations. We have not told everyone yet, but we are getting there. We prefer to tell people face to face (when possible - they live in the same state). I have not yet told my mum and I plan to tell her next time I see her. I'm close to my mum and speak to her a few times per week, and because we have not said anything yet I have to use female pronouns and Max's old name. I have to really concentrate to not slip up. I have actually noticed that using female pronouns for Max feels weird, much more so then when I first started using male pronouns. Male pronouns just seem more correct, more natural. We will be starting to tell more friends and close family soon. I always feel nervous before I tell someone, as I cannot predict what the reaction will be. So far it has all been positive, but then again we have old told our closest friends (who know us and are not surprised with Max's decision. I am still waiting for the first negative reaction and I guess it will come sooner or later.
Also last week I went for an interview to be part of the working group for the Zoe Belle Gender Centre (ZBGC). I was invited a couple of months ago to apply. The interview went really well and I believe that I have some things to offer the ZBGC such as my research skills (and access to a major university's resources), my communication skills (I run workshops and tutorials) and I can give the partner perspective on things. I'll find out in a few weeks time if I have been accepted.
Showing posts with label Transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Transition. Show all posts
Monday, March 15, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
It has started - we meet our first health professional.
05/02/10
We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).
My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.
Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.
We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).
My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.
Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More research = less anxiety
29/01/10
I was at work again today, and I was just so glad that it is Friday. Again I could not stop thinking about it and looking things up on the internet. I have noticed that the more I read the better I feel. There are just so many myths and misconceptions about transitioning. The two best website resources I have come across are FTM Australia and Hudson's FTM Resource Guide they helped sort out so many of the myths, misconceptions and give so much practical information and resources.
We decided to tell John and Judy, when we saw them tonight, about Jen considering transitioning. They were the first people we told, and they were fantastic in their reaction, which was such a relief. They stated that they are not surprised at Jen's coming out. They even helped us to get excited about it, which had not yet happened to us at this stage. John mentioned that Jen could then do the the gay men leather bars with him, which Jen got very excited about. Jen has a lot of interest in the Leather scence, and being a leather dyke excludes you from so many men's bar. It is funny to think that when you transition, so many doors open that were closed before. But I guess many doors will close that were once open too.
Today we spoke heaps more about it. I guess we have both done more research and have processed more by now; we could talk to each other about it. I noticed that my anxiety has lessened. I 'came out' as attracted to transmen or as I prefer to put it 'queer masculinity'. Jen helped me to come out with this. She told me she knew. I just didn't want to realise for myself. It seems a bit weird to be attraced to transmen or queer masculinity. But as I come to terms with in, it makes sense. I remember having attractions to gay men over the years and butch dykes (of course). This is why I say 'queer masculinity'.
We spoke to the psychologist today and we have an appointment set up for Friday week. We both feel relieved that we don't have to wait too long. It feels like the cat is out of the bag, and we need to know some answers. I guess the bid one is "Will this happen, will she go through with this?"
I was at work again today, and I was just so glad that it is Friday. Again I could not stop thinking about it and looking things up on the internet. I have noticed that the more I read the better I feel. There are just so many myths and misconceptions about transitioning. The two best website resources I have come across are FTM Australia and Hudson's FTM Resource Guide they helped sort out so many of the myths, misconceptions and give so much practical information and resources.
We decided to tell John and Judy, when we saw them tonight, about Jen considering transitioning. They were the first people we told, and they were fantastic in their reaction, which was such a relief. They stated that they are not surprised at Jen's coming out. They even helped us to get excited about it, which had not yet happened to us at this stage. John mentioned that Jen could then do the the gay men leather bars with him, which Jen got very excited about. Jen has a lot of interest in the Leather scence, and being a leather dyke excludes you from so many men's bar. It is funny to think that when you transition, so many doors open that were closed before. But I guess many doors will close that were once open too.
Today we spoke heaps more about it. I guess we have both done more research and have processed more by now; we could talk to each other about it. I noticed that my anxiety has lessened. I 'came out' as attracted to transmen or as I prefer to put it 'queer masculinity'. Jen helped me to come out with this. She told me she knew. I just didn't want to realise for myself. It seems a bit weird to be attraced to transmen or queer masculinity. But as I come to terms with in, it makes sense. I remember having attractions to gay men over the years and butch dykes (of course). This is why I say 'queer masculinity'.
We spoke to the psychologist today and we have an appointment set up for Friday week. We both feel relieved that we don't have to wait too long. It feels like the cat is out of the bag, and we need to know some answers. I guess the bid one is "Will this happen, will she go through with this?"
So many question-thougths
28/01/10
Jen reported that she had a bad sleep the night before; that she took ages to fall asleep. My thoughts rolled around in my head too, but I was able to find sleep easier.
I found that I could not concentrate at work. I am distracted. There are so many thoughts in my head. Do I want this? Can I cope with this? What will my identity be? How will she change; physically, emotionally, sexually? What will my friends, family and co-workers think? Will they reject us? Will our relationship survive this? Are we still queer? Am I no longer a lesbian? Will people question me as to why I would stay with Jen? I cannot seem to answer these questions on my own. I conduct a low of research on the internet. I read about her experience; their experience of transitioning. There is very little for the partners.
I post a question of a transqueer website. I guess that this question is one of my main fears. "Did T change your personality?" I get a few replies. They all seem pretty positive, and there is no mention of any personality changes per se. Most of the replied are about some moodiness that subsides over time and less emotional reactions to things and situations (i.e., not being able to cry anymore). However that all report that confidence increases and anxiety/depression decreases. I reply back "I believe that there will be more confidence and I am looking forward to that."
Jen I spoke more today than we did yesterday, and I notive that my anxiety has started to lessen. I remember that we have been dancing around this gender issue with a long time. Through our conversations we start to answer my question-thoughts. Jen did tell me (with tears in her eyes) that if there is any 'no' from me, then it is a no go. I thanked her for her saying that . I replied so far there is no 'no'. But if one comes up, I will tell her immediately.
After work Jen came more with books for us to read. One of the books was for me, it was written by Leslie Feinberg's partner called S/he. The other books are called "From the inside out" and "Transmen and FTMs".
I'm so glad that we are both researching the hell out of this situation.
Jen reported that she had a bad sleep the night before; that she took ages to fall asleep. My thoughts rolled around in my head too, but I was able to find sleep easier.
I found that I could not concentrate at work. I am distracted. There are so many thoughts in my head. Do I want this? Can I cope with this? What will my identity be? How will she change; physically, emotionally, sexually? What will my friends, family and co-workers think? Will they reject us? Will our relationship survive this? Are we still queer? Am I no longer a lesbian? Will people question me as to why I would stay with Jen? I cannot seem to answer these questions on my own. I conduct a low of research on the internet. I read about her experience; their experience of transitioning. There is very little for the partners.
I post a question of a transqueer website. I guess that this question is one of my main fears. "Did T change your personality?" I get a few replies. They all seem pretty positive, and there is no mention of any personality changes per se. Most of the replied are about some moodiness that subsides over time and less emotional reactions to things and situations (i.e., not being able to cry anymore). However that all report that confidence increases and anxiety/depression decreases. I reply back "I believe that there will be more confidence and I am looking forward to that."
Jen I spoke more today than we did yesterday, and I notive that my anxiety has started to lessen. I remember that we have been dancing around this gender issue with a long time. Through our conversations we start to answer my question-thoughts. Jen did tell me (with tears in her eyes) that if there is any 'no' from me, then it is a no go. I thanked her for her saying that . I replied so far there is no 'no'. But if one comes up, I will tell her immediately.
After work Jen came more with books for us to read. One of the books was for me, it was written by Leslie Feinberg's partner called S/he. The other books are called "From the inside out" and "Transmen and FTMs".
I'm so glad that we are both researching the hell out of this situation.
My partner told me
27/01/2010
I'm off to the local shopping centre to do some errands while Jen is at work. I have to get some yoghurt, think if we need any ingredients for dinner (we're having Thai tonight) and pick up her jacket from the alteration place. Jen always buys her clothes in the men's department. I have never known her to wear or purchase any female clothing (including underwear). Two days earler, we were at the shopping centre as I needed one of those super Chinese massages. Jen decided to buy some clothes from the major department store. I always thought she had a good dress style, and I still remember exactly what she wore on our first date nearly two years ago. I also remember the thought "How sexy, a real Butch!"
She had decided on a black casual jacket, however, as always the sleeves are too long. So the next stop was the clothing alteration place. The shop assistant when asking for contact details, did not pick up the fact that Jen was a butch woman. The shop assistant wrote Jed on the ticket. So here I was two days later with a ticket stub for Jed and I was in the chocolate shop next door. I spied a chocolate bar called a 'Yorkie', with the line "Not for girls". I just thought of Jen immediately. She is not a girl; I have never really thought of her as a girl. So therefore the chocolate bar is for her, and I bought it.
Later that night, I gave the bar to Jen. She thought it a hoot. She has always been Butch to me. Butch as in the noun, as in the gender. She said to me an hour or so later. I am thinking of transitioning. I was not surprised, but I could feel a little anxiety in me. We had a little joke about the bar, but we didn't talk too much about it. I gave her my support to explore this with her. The only decision that we made was to talk to her GP and find a psychologist that specialises in it.
We found it hard to find a psychologist that has good experience and a reputation in helping couples make this decision. I remember that last year I was invited (by Aaron - a transguy friend) to attend a workshop at the Zoe Belle Gender Centre for partners of gender variant people. The psychologist was Vikki Sinnott. Last year in August, and I guess this is the researcher in me, I googled her name. I found a peper she wrote for the DHS entitled "Best practice models for the assessment, treatment and care or transgender people and people with transsexualism: A discussion paper for Victoria (Australia)". I downloaded the paper and keep it. I gave Jen the psychologist's name.
I'm off to the local shopping centre to do some errands while Jen is at work. I have to get some yoghurt, think if we need any ingredients for dinner (we're having Thai tonight) and pick up her jacket from the alteration place. Jen always buys her clothes in the men's department. I have never known her to wear or purchase any female clothing (including underwear). Two days earler, we were at the shopping centre as I needed one of those super Chinese massages. Jen decided to buy some clothes from the major department store. I always thought she had a good dress style, and I still remember exactly what she wore on our first date nearly two years ago. I also remember the thought "How sexy, a real Butch!"
She had decided on a black casual jacket, however, as always the sleeves are too long. So the next stop was the clothing alteration place. The shop assistant when asking for contact details, did not pick up the fact that Jen was a butch woman. The shop assistant wrote Jed on the ticket. So here I was two days later with a ticket stub for Jed and I was in the chocolate shop next door. I spied a chocolate bar called a 'Yorkie', with the line "Not for girls". I just thought of Jen immediately. She is not a girl; I have never really thought of her as a girl. So therefore the chocolate bar is for her, and I bought it.
Later that night, I gave the bar to Jen. She thought it a hoot. She has always been Butch to me. Butch as in the noun, as in the gender. She said to me an hour or so later. I am thinking of transitioning. I was not surprised, but I could feel a little anxiety in me. We had a little joke about the bar, but we didn't talk too much about it. I gave her my support to explore this with her. The only decision that we made was to talk to her GP and find a psychologist that specialises in it.
We found it hard to find a psychologist that has good experience and a reputation in helping couples make this decision. I remember that last year I was invited (by Aaron - a transguy friend) to attend a workshop at the Zoe Belle Gender Centre for partners of gender variant people. The psychologist was Vikki Sinnott. Last year in August, and I guess this is the researcher in me, I googled her name. I found a peper she wrote for the DHS entitled "Best practice models for the assessment, treatment and care or transgender people and people with transsexualism: A discussion paper for Victoria (Australia)". I downloaded the paper and keep it. I gave Jen the psychologist's name.
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