Lucky ...

Last weekend we went up to sunny Brisbane to see my sister and her boyfriend. I had booked the tickets about 4-5 months ago so I could get them at a lower cost. When I booked the tickets we did not know when Max would be starting T or how long it would take him to pass, so I used the title Ms. (at that stage he had just changed his name so that was ok). A couple of weeks ago I realised this and went to try and fix the title up over the internet, as he has been on T for 4 months now and is passing as male 99.999% of the time. I was unable to change the title, and was getting a little worried about what might happen. We know that legally he is not male, but we just thought it would be easier for the airline staff to see a male with a male title. As I could not change it, we prepared ourselves for a bit of an issue when trying to get on board with our boarding passes. However on the way to the airport I had an idea. My name appears gender neutral, as does Max’s (pseudo name on blog won’t make sense, sorry) and I have a doctorate so my title of Dr. which is also gender neutral. So we swapped boarding passes. I was Ms. and Max had Dr. We were not stopped (nor asked for any ID) both flights. Lucky I have a doctorate and that we both have gender neutral names, as we did not have to disclose to people personal information just to board a plane to see my sister.

14 weeks on T

The last two weeks have been very up and down with a lot going on. Max’s mood swings have stabilised since being on 250, which has been a relief for both of us. Two weeks ago Max spoke to his Mum on the phone and it was a really positive, though difficult, conversation. His Mum was very honest about her feelings, not only to herself but to Max, which I think is a good thing as it is easier to deal with honesty than people pretending everything is alright. During this phone conversation, his parents gave their support and understanding but also admitted that they need time to process it all. His Mum is planning on going to Cleveland where other members of the extended family live so she can get some support. Max and I think it is a good idea, as his Mum is a bit isolated in Singapore and the extended family in Cleveland understand Max’s transition and are supportive of it. However since the phone conversation two weeks ago, Max has not spoken to his parents. Actually he hasn’t spoken to his Dad at all since telling them. Max was getting worried that as time lapsed and his voice deepened, that it might be harder for his parents to deal with the changes of the transition. He sent them an email explaining this. However the day his Dad received the email was the day that his Dad was going to ring him, but his Dad decided not to ring him (rang his brother instead). His Dad said that the email shocked him (about the voice changes) and that he could not bring himself to call Max. We understand that they need time to adjust to the huge news, and we (Max and I) have decided to let them set the pace of giving them information. Since his Dad has reported to be no longer coping he is going to go to Cleveland too, which we think will be really good for him too. I think that Max’s Dad no longer coping is really a sign that it is starting to sink in, thus no longer denial and will be on the path of acceptance. We saw Max’s brother and sister-in-law yesterday and they are doing really well now. I think they still do not understand the changes T will bring, but they are being supportive. They also still use “she” and Max’s birth name, but they have not told their children yet so we understand. They are planning on telling them soon.

On Wednesday I went to see a psychologist for myself. We thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to talk to that it is not directly involved in the situation. A lot of my close friends have offered me to call them anytime to talk about this, and I feel really honoured to have such wonderful friends. However I do feel uncomfortable talking to friends about my relationship with Max, especially the difficult parts, as this can influence people’s perceptions of our relationship. Having a psychologist who has experience in this area should be helpful and a safe place to explore all the thoughts that run through my mind. Even though I only have had one session, and most of it was about the background story, we still got to discuss some really interesting points that I had not thought of before. We talked about having (being involved in) a relationship that is beyond gender. We do in this society get really caught up in the binary gender dichotomy. It is really interesting to think about the person you are with, not how they look, not how they present to the world, not how they dress or their mannerisms, but about their values, moral and the way the treat you. I am not dating Max because of his gender (maybe this is how we meet and it started), but I stay with him because of how he treats me, how well we work together, his view of the world and most importantly his values and morals. Also the psychologist and I talked about labels. This is something that I am struggling with time to time. After spending the last 12-13 years identifying as a lesbian, I wonder if I can continue to do this - probably not. Max and I will not be able to attend lesbian events together, not that we have for awhile. I could identify as queer, but that label just seems too broad for me. When I listen to the gay radio station they talk about the GLBTI community and I wonder which letter is for me? There is no letter or label for someone who is dating a transguy. After speaking to the psychologist I feel comfortable with I identify as ‘with Max’ than any particular label.