Interview with Max

Me: When did you first realise that you were trans*?

Max: I always find this a really hard question to answer, because I think I have always known that I was different. I think the fact that I was cross dressing in my father’s suits, at the age of 7, was probably a big indicator. Then I went on to do Gender Studies at uni and, so I have always known that I was different. But in terms of putting the trans* label on it, I think it was when we were at [Midsumma] Carnival, one year, I don’t remember which year, and we were doing a survey and there was a gender question ...

Me: It was last year, 2010

Max: 2010, and it was Female, Male, Transgender. And I choose trans for the first time, because it was the one that I felt the closest to who I was. So I think that was the first time I put that label on my difference, though I think I have known about my difference since I was very young.

Me: What were your major or main concerns about medically transitioning?

Max: My biggest fear was that I would lose my family, umm, well no probably my biggest fear was that I would lose you, but that fear didn’t last that long, because we communicated about it so much. So then it was losing my family. Changing my mind, doing something that was not right for me. How did I know it was right, to medically transition? Work and employment prospects. There was a lot of worry, there was a lot of concern.

Me: So what got you to start your medical transition then?

Max: I think the fact that I was so depressed, very, very depressed, to the point it was starting to impact on my work, my life, fairly significantly. It was all around this, all around transition.

Me: Your body dysphoria, or not?

Max: Yeah, yeah. And I think I had a fear that I would die, if I didn’t do something. And that this was something that I thought would make me feel better. And thankfully it has.

Me: How was your family been?

Max: My family has surprised me, with how good they have been, having said that, it still hasn’t been easy. And it’s not easy now, but I know that they are doing their best. I’m doing my best to keep communicating with them, and keep the doors open and, not throw things in their face, so to speak. I’m cautiously optimistic and I am pleased with how they have responded. But it remains a challenge.

Me: How was it transitioning at work for you?

Max: Transitioning at work was really hard. I found it very difficult. Looking back now, the process went very smoothly and everything was fine. But going through it in the moment, was really challenging and really anxiety provoking, changing toilets, changing names. It was really hard, but I had a really supportive manager and real supportive team. It has been relatively easy and I am really pleased.

Me: You mentioned before about having a bleak future, before you transitioned. Have your thoughts changed about the future, since you started transitioning?

Max: Significantly, I don't feel like I am going to die anymore. I feel really good, and I look forward to things. There are still challenges, like finding a new job before my documents get changed, surgery, there are still some challenges. But I have a more positive outlook on life. And I feel like I can look at my life in the future now.

Me: That’s great!

Max: Yeah!

Me: What has been your experience with the trans* community?

Max: Umm, quiet nerve racking at first. I found it really intimidating, hanging out with other trans guys and trans women. But I think as my transition progressed and I felt better about myself. I found it easier to socialise, and I have meet some really good people, which has been helpful. So I know there are good people who are trans*. You know being trans* is not about being a freak or being a monster. There are some really great people out there and it has been really helpful for my transition to meet other people and I feel a lot more comfortable now. I really like going to trans* events and hanging out with the community. I think it has been really helpful. Certainly my perspective has changed over time.

Me: How about your relationship with me. Do you think there have been any changes in the last year?

Max: Yes. Yeah, there have been changes in the last year. My empathic response has changed, and that has changed perhaps the way we communicate. I think we have handled it quiet well. I think you have handled it very well.

Me: Thank you.

Max: I think that your skills around communication have made that a lot easier, than it might otherwise have been. But certainly there have been changes. I have changed. I am still the same person in lots of ways, but communicating with me I know is different. My empathic response is different.

Me: In what way?

Max: I don’t umm... I think I am not quite as sensitive to subtle cues anymore. And sometimes I need to be bashed over the head, and told that you are feeling sad. Whereas, I might have noticed that before, I might not notice it so greatly now, so there has certainly been changes. But I don’t think that any of the changes have been hugely negative. I think we have handled them very well as a couple.

Me: Thanks. I think we have done really well. Now it has nearly been a year on testosterone.

Max: Yeah!

Me: What have been the best parts?

Max: That’s a hard question to answer. Little Max asked me the same thing a little while ago and I don’t think I ever responded, ‘cos it is really hard to choose the best, ‘cos I enjoy lots of the changes.

Me: Sorry you don’t have to pick one thing.

Max: I love the muscle growth. I really like the way my body responds to a small amount of exercise. It’s great! I have got more energy now I think, part of that might be from the testosterone, part of that might be from not being so depressed. My favourite bits? I like the way I feel on testosterone, and it’s hard to verbalise and articulate. But I feel more confident, I feel like I am standing up straighter, I feel good about myself. And that surely has got to be the best.

Me: Yes, watching your confidence grow has really been great to watch. What has been the worst part?

Max: The worst part of testosterone?

Me: Not necessarily testosterone, I’m talking about your transition for the year?

Max: There has been lots of anxiety along the way. Lots of anxiety about family, relationships, work, that has been really challenging. I think also, negotiating our relationships has been challenging for me at times.

Me: Yeah the first 3 months were quite difficult!

Max: The first three months were really hard. Things did get significantly better after that, and I am just so thankful.
Me: Have there been anything unexpected, happen in the last year, any unexpected changes or experiences?

Max: I think that the more sort of emotional, intellectual changes have been a surprise.
Me: Intellectual changes?

Max: I feel like I can focus more. Maybe that is not an intellectual change, and maybe I have used the wrong word there. I feel like I can focus more on the task at hand, which means that I loss focus of the peripheral.

Me: Maybe that’s why you can’t multi-task anymore?

Max: Well, yeah there is that thing that women can multi-task and men can’t, and I have experienced that to a degree. So that has been surprising. I think things like butt crack hair are a little surprising (laughs). I think also people’s responses have been surprising. I have not had a negative response, except from very close family, understandably. But friends, work colleagues, my client’s at work, external people that I work with, everybody has been really supportive. And that has been a surprise, a very pleasant surprise.

Me: Any regrets?

Max: No. Perhaps, my only regret is that I didn’t journal more in the beginning. But I have no regrets about transitioning ... at all. I feel great.

Me: What about hard? Have there been any hard moments?

Max: There have been lots of hard moments. Disclosing to my parents was far and away the hardest part, for sure. Disclosure, I think disclosure generally was the hardest thing, at work, with friend and definitely with family.

Me: What has been the easiest part?

Max: I think my relationship with you. Because you have just been so supportive and there for me, in the way that I needed you to be there for me. Sometimes that meant sitting quietly, and sometimes that meant talking through something. And you have been able to do that for me through the whole process. And that’s made the whole experience a lot easier.

Me: Yeah, I think that is because we put a lot of work into building the foundations of our relationship beforehand.

Max: Yeah and, because we’re exceptional people.

Me: I’ll put that it the blog!

Max: (laughs)

Me: This is the last question. What are you looking forward to?

Max: I am really looking forward to top surgery. Yeah, I am really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to lots of things. I’m looking forward to being more involved with the community. I am looking forward to supporting other people through transition and being there for friends. And I’m looking forward to my relationships growing, as a result of me being more honest, about who I am, and what I am. Honest with myself and honest with others, and I think that makes a big difference to the quality of my relationships. And I continue to look forward to more and better relationships.

Me: That sounds really positive.

Max: Yeah, baby!

Me: Is there anything else you wanted to say?

Max: Nah!

Me: Well, thank you!

Update on surgery decision

Last week Max found out that his contract at his job is not being renewed. This is due to the state government change, and this whole team is being let go. This has really put a spanner in the works. Max has decided that the best thing is to put the surgery on hold, not that he wants to, because it is the best thing to do. He is looking for a new job straight away even though he has 4 months left on his contract. The issue of looking for work now is, all his documentation still states he is female and he passes 100% male. In Australia (and it depends state to state) you have to have at least top surgery and some type of bottom surgery (to make infertile) to change your gender. Max is going to have to find a job that understands and is use to working with diverse people. I’m glad he has time to look for this cultural fit in a new job. Also Max will have to call his past employers and tell them of his name and gender change. It really is a total shame that he could not complete his transition at his current job as they have been really good about it.

We caught up with some friends (a couple) to talk surgery, as Richard will be having top surgery too soon, interstate as well. He stated that Dr. Bartholomeuzs told him that nipple sensation was 50/50 where he told us that is was 100%. At this stage Dr. Hassell feels like the better option. However for now, surgery is on hold.

A big decision to make

Last weekend we flew to Sydney to see Dr. Megan Hassall on Monday (7th February). We arrived on the hottest day in 4 years, 43 degrees (yuk) and we had flew out of Melbourne as it was experiencing flash floods! Funny to think that we were suppose to fly into Brisbane the day it flooded too, but had to postpone it a week. Australia, this year is not doing well with the weather.

Anyway, Max and I have seen both Dr. Bartholomeuzs and Dr. Hassell. Now Max has to make a decision as to which one to go with. We are going to be discussing it tonight, so I won’t be writing too much now. They both have their positives and negatives. At the moment, Max is messaging and talking to other transguys about their experience with surgery and the surgeons, to help him make his decision.

Max's mum comes for a visit

The other week Max’s mother stopped by for a quick coffee on her way to the airport (as they live overseas) as we hadn’t seen her for awhile. Max was gearing up to tell her about his upcoming surgery, but was worried about how she was going to take it. I suggested that, Max could ask her how much she wants to know. When his mother arrived she realised she had left her passport at the farm, and that she will have to drive back to get it, significantly cutting into the time she was going to spend with us. Max nearly didn’t ask his mum what she wants to know about his surgery, because she was so frazzled, but I gently nuzzled him to ask. She responded very well, stating that she “of course, wants to know what is happening”. First she asked if it is genital surgery, which Max replied no. She then asked if he was going to get a penis. We both brushed this question off, as this is not on the agenda as yet.

I think many people are naturally interested in bottom surgery (genital surgery) of transsexuals, however it is a very private topic. If you are uncomfortable describing your genitals in detail to someone else, then so is a transsexual.

Max discussed with his mum about his top surgery, and she stated she supports him and wants to know what is happening. This was a huge relief for Max, though we are not sure how much we want her involved as she gets overwhelmed with people having surgery. Max’s dad just had shoulder surgery.

Throughout the visit, Max’s mum referred to him by his birth name, and I referred to Max by his name. His mum pointed out (on her own) that she is saying his birth name because she can’t bring herself to say Max yet, but that she is able to write it (in emails and on the Xmas card). We told her that how she is going is fine and that with time it will come and feel more natural. I told her that I have been calling him Max for a nearly a year now and cannot go back to his birth name. We had a very good conversation about adjusting to Max’s transition, and that we should allow for individual different in how and how quick we adjust. Overall, it was a very positive conversation.