It is strange that people treat you differently depending on who you sleep with. For example, when I was doing my doctorate I was an out lesbian (as I have always been) and I was not invited to hen’s nights or baby showers. All the other girls in the doctorate were invited and the gay guy. I remember that my feelings were really hurt, why does sleeping with women preclude me from wanting to celebrate friends’ milestones? These were overt discriminations that were made on false assumptions. Since Max’s transition, we are now seen to be straight (in our jobs, for example) and I notice that I have been treated very differently. For instance, I am automatically include in discussions about wedding planning, raising children and dealing with men who has “man flu”. I feel much more included which is lovely, but at the same time I worry that queers are not treated this way yet in our society.
I am enjoying this exploration in the straight world, I like being included (who wouldn’t), and I take pleasure in observing this new world. However, while exploring this new world, I have a concern that happens from time to time. I feel that I have to play a role or act a certain way, (and I am not sure what it is) and if I do it wrong I will get caught out. I think though, this has more to with my own insecurities of exploring and being included in this new world, than about people analysing my every move in hopes of catching the queers.
151 days to surgery.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Surgery is booked
Max has booked his top surgery for 22nd of March 2012. He is thrilled. I am happy and anxious at the same time. It will be such a relief once it is over. I am anxious at the fact that it is major surgery and that I will be caring for him in another state, without my social support network. However, I am happy that soon Max will feel a whole lot more comfortable in his body. Also, I am looking forward to being able to touch his back – bare skin, instead of through a binder. I believe that Max is looking forward to throwing away binders forever. It must be horrible to wear binders all the time, especially during summer. Lately, Max has been complaining about how hot he is (temperature, not sex appeal), and we have only just hit spring with no hot days over 27oC yet. The testosterone has raised his core body temperature, so we are bracing ourselves for a horrible summer in binders. I guess I should say Max, instead of ‘we’, but I include me, as I will be hearing all about it. At least, we can console ourselves with the fact that this will be the last summer of binding.
Only 156 days to go.
Only 156 days to go.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Update on feeling like a vulnerable liar
I saw my psychologist for our last session the other week, and I realised that I have dealt really well over the last year with the identity issue and feeling like a vulnerable liar. I have recently started a new job, and we all went out for lunch together as a team building exercise as everyone is new at this centre. During the lunch, one of my co-workers asked me if I was engaged or married - I do wear a ring on the fourth finger of my left hand, as we have registered our committed relationship – I answered this question by stating “we are not married, but we did buy a house together 18 months ago”. I was really pleased with myself. I answered the question, giving her enough information without lying or needing to disclose my personal life. Thus feeling like a vulnerable liar solved. I can still be honest and answer a question, while keeping my answers short. Furthermore, I think coming to terms with a new identity has also helped. I truly don’t identify as a lesbian anymore, I tend to just say Femme rather than Femme lesbian. I have also being associating more with people in the Sex and Gender Diverse (SGD) community, than the gay and lesbian community, and as I have reported previously I feel more accepted. I have also recently started POTS (Partners of Trans Society) and still run BFT (ButchFemmeTrans Melbourne). BFT had a special dinner event the other night and we had over 40 people attend. So being more involved in the SDG community, using Femme without the lesbian and running POTS, I have found my identity a queer Femme POT.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Partners of Trans Society (POTS)
I have decided to start a society, for partners of trans*, as I feel there is a real lack of support groups in this area. I already run ButchFemmeTrans, however I also feel the need for something specific for partners of sex and gender diverse (SGD) people. A place were they can be free to talk and ask questions without worrying they are saying the wrong thing. We, POTs, have our own and sometimes different needs compared to cisgendered dating cisgendered, and trans* dating trans*. I don't know what it is like to be trans* and I won't pretend I do. As partners we made need to support them through surgery, talking to their families, being there through the hormone rollercoaster and so on. We have had a couple of catch ups and our next one is on in a couple of weeks. If anyone reading this blog wants to know more, just add a comment and let me know. Or you can email butchfemmmetrans@gmail for more info.
Beside this new society, there is a workshop coming up called "Supporting the Lovers" for partners and lovers of SGD click here for more info. It will be a safe place for partners to share, give and gain support. I hope it goes well.
Beside this new society, there is a workshop coming up called "Supporting the Lovers" for partners and lovers of SGD click here for more info. It will be a safe place for partners to share, give and gain support. I hope it goes well.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Our Peeps
I currently feel more sense of a supportive community than I have ever before, and it is a lovely feeling. During my lesbian years I never felt totally connected and supported by the lesbian community. There have been many instances in the past where my sexuality with my appearance has been questioned (“You don’t look like a lesbian”), my dress and my sexuality (“Why do you were skirts?” and “How are we suppose to know you are a lesbian?”), my understanding of LGB culture (“Do you know what your rainbow necklace means?”), and my attendance to lesbian events (“This is a lesbian event, do you know?”) have all been questioned. This has gone on for over a decade. In the general lesbian community in Melbourne, Australia, lesbians showing femme characteristics are looked down upon.
Over three years ago, I was invited to social drinks run by ButchFemmeTrans Melbourne. I now help run this group with two other wonderful people. This group meets up monthly and I look forward to everyone. It is a lovely group of superb people, who totally understand my gender and sexuality, like I do theirs. I have made some wonderful friends. Also this group has been one of the things that continues, unchanging, since Max’s transition.
A few months back there was a special party night for Femmes. It felt wonderful to be celebrated! No one picking on me for wearing a dress to a queer event, no one questioning my sexuality or gender expression, everyone letting me be and celebrating what and who I am.
Also I have met many people in the sex and gender diverse (SGD) community and groups too, that have been very welcoming, giving Max and myself a wonderful sense of belonging. Recently I have started a small social group for partners of trans*. It has only met up twice but already I feel supported and lucky to have such amazing people to be friends with.
Over three years ago, I was invited to social drinks run by ButchFemmeTrans Melbourne. I now help run this group with two other wonderful people. This group meets up monthly and I look forward to everyone. It is a lovely group of superb people, who totally understand my gender and sexuality, like I do theirs. I have made some wonderful friends. Also this group has been one of the things that continues, unchanging, since Max’s transition.
A few months back there was a special party night for Femmes. It felt wonderful to be celebrated! No one picking on me for wearing a dress to a queer event, no one questioning my sexuality or gender expression, everyone letting me be and celebrating what and who I am.
Also I have met many people in the sex and gender diverse (SGD) community and groups too, that have been very welcoming, giving Max and myself a wonderful sense of belonging. Recently I have started a small social group for partners of trans*. It has only met up twice but already I feel supported and lucky to have such amazing people to be friends with.
I had a dream ...
A few nights back I had a dream in which Max was post top surgery. The dream was not about Max having surgery, it just happened to have Max in it post surgery. I don’t actually remember what the focus of the dream was, or even if it had a theme or topic (you know what dreams a like). However what I remember is that Max and I were chatting outside in the sun. Max was smiling and shirtless. In the dream, my eyes quickly flickered over his chest scars that were faded, and I noticed that I had a clear sense of how normal this all was. Max being outside, shirtless with his male chest, how this was always meant to be.
After waking from the dream, Max’s post surgery chest felt familiar instead of strange. I noticed that I felt a fundamental change towards total comfort and that I was not so worried about the unknown, as it no longer felt unknown. This dream really let me become familiar with Max’s new chest, before the surgery has even happened. I believe that I was worried about the significant change that top surgery will bring so suddenly, as opposed to the slow changes of T. I really enjoyed this dream and the impact it has on me about feeling more at ease with his top surgery.
After waking from the dream, Max’s post surgery chest felt familiar instead of strange. I noticed that I felt a fundamental change towards total comfort and that I was not so worried about the unknown, as it no longer felt unknown. This dream really let me become familiar with Max’s new chest, before the surgery has even happened. I believe that I was worried about the significant change that top surgery will bring so suddenly, as opposed to the slow changes of T. I really enjoyed this dream and the impact it has on me about feeling more at ease with his top surgery.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
On hold
I think I have been mentally blocking from doing more posts, and I think I know why. Since we have both been looking for new jobs and Max's surgery has been on hold, I just haven’t' thought about writing blogs. I have been recording ideas for future posts but have not had the motivation to write. It is really unfortunate that Max's transition feels like it is on hold. Everything was rolling along and now we don't even know when Max's top surgery is going to happening. Anyway, hopefully everything will settle down soon and things will get rolling again (and that my posts will return).
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Questions and an interesting observation
I thought that I would ask people who are reading this blog, do you have any questions for me? So if you wisk to ask me a question, you can comment on this post.
Also I have realised that now when I watch TV shows, or movies or listen to music, I can fit Max's and I relationship into the context of that media. I have never had this before as I have been in same-sex relationships. Again it just highlights how hetero-normative society is. I would like to see more queer/gay represented in the media of the world.
Also I have realised that now when I watch TV shows, or movies or listen to music, I can fit Max's and I relationship into the context of that media. I have never had this before as I have been in same-sex relationships. Again it just highlights how hetero-normative society is. I would like to see more queer/gay represented in the media of the world.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
3 years ago – when we met
Max and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary yesterday, so I thought it was timely to blog about how we met. Three and a bit years ago I found myself single and just wanting a bit of fun as I had left a tumultuous 6 month relationship, which had followed a serious 2 year relationship. So fun was my priority. I went on to a lesbian dating/community website, I had been on this website off and on for a few years. I never really liked the website as I found it very vanilla with a pinch on 80-90s radical feminism. I should confess that I am not in line with radical feminism, the ones that wear jean overalls and hate men. I find that these feminists only like women to behave a certain way, and being Femme was not to their liking. Don’t get me wrong, feminism has been a wonderful thing for women and society in general. I just don’t understand how some can fight for women’s rights and then say the only way to be a woman is their way. Feminism should mean that a woman has the chance to be a woman any way she chooses. Anyway I digress, I went on the lesbian website (as it really is the only one that has a big enough potential dating pool) and did a search for Butch. Only eight came up, this lesbian website does not encourage Butches, Femmes, Trans and generally queer people. Well Max was on top of the list and he has his photo up (cute, I thought), so I gave him a ‘hello’. He said hello back, so I messaged that I am not into internet chatting so let’s meet up for coffee. He agreed, so we meet up for coffee then had dinner. We got along very well, and we were both looking for only “casual encounters”. Max was a year out of a 10 year relationship. The dinner went well and I ended up at his place. I decided not to spend the night, as I was keen not to send any messages of wanting a relationship (as I really was not looking for one). Anyway, we agreed that we were happy to have a casual relationship and not see each other anymore than once per fortnight.
Well that didn’t last long. We started seeing each once per week the next week! It is hard to say no to great sex. Within about 4 weeks I started to crush hard, I was really falling for him. I realise when we were hanging out I was becoming nervous around him because I liked him so much, he picked this up and teased me about it. Later he admits he did this so he looked all cool and casual, even though he didn’t feel cool and casual. I think about six weeks in, I confessed to him that I really liked him, he still played it cool. So we continued on seeing each other once to twice a week for few weeks, and finally we spoke really openly about our feelings for each other and not wanting it to end and become official. We acknowledge what we were practically in was a relationship so let’s keep going. Our relationship was just so much fun. We get along on many levels and have very similar views on relationships and life in general. Out of all of my relationships, this relationship has been so easy. Fun, easy, wonderful, safe, exciting, comfortable, what more could I want!
For most of my lesbian relationships I have run them very slow, for example not moving in for at least a year of going out, keeping things separate for as long as possible I guess. However with Max I was practically moved in within four or five months of first meeting. Such a ‘lesbian’ thing and we joked about that, because we knew we were not mainstream lesbians. I should highlight the ‘practically moved in’ means that I still continued to pay rent elsewhere, but slowly moved all my clothes over and didn’t spend a night were I rented. I was in my final year of my doctorate, and didn’t want to move in with someone and possible break up with them and move out in the last year of my dissertation. So I did not move in with Max until January 2010. We bought a house together in October 2010. We registered our relationship on the state register at around the same time. This is the most committed relationship I have ever been in, and it is funny to think that it was never supposed to be that way. I love our relationship. Max may have physically changed in many ways, however the foundations that we built together has never changed, and I don’t think they will anytime soon.
Well that didn’t last long. We started seeing each once per week the next week! It is hard to say no to great sex. Within about 4 weeks I started to crush hard, I was really falling for him. I realise when we were hanging out I was becoming nervous around him because I liked him so much, he picked this up and teased me about it. Later he admits he did this so he looked all cool and casual, even though he didn’t feel cool and casual. I think about six weeks in, I confessed to him that I really liked him, he still played it cool. So we continued on seeing each other once to twice a week for few weeks, and finally we spoke really openly about our feelings for each other and not wanting it to end and become official. We acknowledge what we were practically in was a relationship so let’s keep going. Our relationship was just so much fun. We get along on many levels and have very similar views on relationships and life in general. Out of all of my relationships, this relationship has been so easy. Fun, easy, wonderful, safe, exciting, comfortable, what more could I want!
For most of my lesbian relationships I have run them very slow, for example not moving in for at least a year of going out, keeping things separate for as long as possible I guess. However with Max I was practically moved in within four or five months of first meeting. Such a ‘lesbian’ thing and we joked about that, because we knew we were not mainstream lesbians. I should highlight the ‘practically moved in’ means that I still continued to pay rent elsewhere, but slowly moved all my clothes over and didn’t spend a night were I rented. I was in my final year of my doctorate, and didn’t want to move in with someone and possible break up with them and move out in the last year of my dissertation. So I did not move in with Max until January 2010. We bought a house together in October 2010. We registered our relationship on the state register at around the same time. This is the most committed relationship I have ever been in, and it is funny to think that it was never supposed to be that way. I love our relationship. Max may have physically changed in many ways, however the foundations that we built together has never changed, and I don’t think they will anytime soon.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Max's Manniversary
Today is Max’s one year on testosterone. I really cannot believe that it has been one full year. I remember clearly, a year ago, of having the desire to jump ahead 12 months to have a look and see if everything was going to be alright. I obviously had fears such as not liking Max on testosterone, not being attracted to him, personality changing, problems with communication, losing my identity to name a few. So it feels funny to compare my fears to how I currently feel. I have no regrets for Max to transition and I never felt any grief (which some partners of transguys report). I believe he makes a very sexy, handsome man (well if I am going to be with a man, we might as well be sexy and handsome). His personality has not changed, well personality is hard to define at the best of times, so I mean he has not become some aggressive, egocentric person. He still has the same values, treats me and everyone with respect, he is a thoughtful and hard working person, all things I love about him. What has changed is his confidence, he can socialise with more ease, he holds his head up when we are out, and he believes in himself. I totally adore these outcomes, it was so hard before he started T with trying to get him out of the house and to loosen up and have fun, as he was so depressed. In regards to communication changes, I have adapted quite well. Max defiantly talks less. Also I have noticed that if I want to have a deep conversation with its best if I wait until he is in the right mood. However, generally we do communicate well, I may need to be a bit more overt with my emotions and expressing my needs, but as long as I communicate clearly everything is alright. Our relationship has a very firm foundation that we have worked on our entire relationship (nearly 3 years together), which has gotten us through the tough times. In regards to my identity, I have noticed a bit of a change. Before I would identify as a Femme lesbian, now I have dropped the lesbian and just say Femme or maybe Queer Femme with a lesbian history if I need to say more.
Thinking about the history of Femmes, they have always dated genderqueer/trans*, the names might have changed (i.e., passing women in the early 1900s, butch in the 1950s, trans* 2000s [I am generalising to make a point]) but femmes have always dated those on the fringe of gender expression. Some historical text allude to the female partners of the ‘passing women’ where fooled and didn’t know their partner was a woman and not a man. This is such a joke Femmes know who they are and who they date. I just think that more Femmes are dating transguys now because society now has the ability to assist genderqueer/trans* to medically transition if they wish, and I believe many of the ‘passing women’ of the old days would have medically transitioned if they could. Now, I should state, in case people don’t know, there is a huge difference between Femmes and Lipstick Lesbians. Lipsticks date other Lipsticks and Femmes date Butches/Genderqueers/Trans (on the masculine side). The reason the terms are different is to help with dating, as Lipsticks can look like Femmes and vice versa. Femmes have the understanding of dating Butches/Genderqueers/Trans, for example they understanding the need for a soft place to land at home (as it can be hard to be who they are out in society), also that you may need to check out the toilet situation at restaurants and report back to them etc. [Disclaimer, people are free to label themselves and date whoever they want, I am just reporting on my background].
Last Friday we went to Misty’s Diner, a 1950s retro diner, to celebrate his Manniversary with 20 of our closest friends. We had a great time, and Max was on fire, chatting to everyone and having a great time. Even the owner, Misty, wanted to hire him as he was doing such a good job coordinating all the food orders. To digress, I have noticed that there is an attraction to the 1950s from the butch/femme/trans/queer community, and I think this has to do with the well defined gender norms of the times. Women were very feminine and men were very masculine, think Mad Men TV show. Now I am not saying the butch/femme/trans/queers are very strict about gender norms, as they tend to tnterpret it their own queer way. For example, one thing that I have noticed is that many Femmes who date genderqueers/butches/transguys, and are attracted to expressing 1950s femininity tend to have a number of rocker-billy tattoos, mixed in with their gorgeous pencil skirts, and head scarfs. Max and I have our own attraction to the 1950s too; both of us love the clothes and the furniture. Anyway, so back to the night, it was a very fun celebration. All our friends (straight, gay, queer, trans*) have been so supportive and it was great to give thanks to their role in our lives. I have to say, I have not had one bad experience. Not even my hairdresser, or my osteopath even batted an eye lid when I explained why my partner has changed his name (and pronouns). I keep getting myself ready for a negative response, by being on guard, but nothing bad has happened. I am so thrilled about this. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have been wonderfully kind and compassionate.
If I could talk to myself 12 months ago I would say, “You won’t lose your partner, you will gain through this experience, some times are tough, but overall it will be positive”.
Thinking about the history of Femmes, they have always dated genderqueer/trans*, the names might have changed (i.e., passing women in the early 1900s, butch in the 1950s, trans* 2000s [I am generalising to make a point]) but femmes have always dated those on the fringe of gender expression. Some historical text allude to the female partners of the ‘passing women’ where fooled and didn’t know their partner was a woman and not a man. This is such a joke Femmes know who they are and who they date. I just think that more Femmes are dating transguys now because society now has the ability to assist genderqueer/trans* to medically transition if they wish, and I believe many of the ‘passing women’ of the old days would have medically transitioned if they could. Now, I should state, in case people don’t know, there is a huge difference between Femmes and Lipstick Lesbians. Lipsticks date other Lipsticks and Femmes date Butches/Genderqueers/Trans (on the masculine side). The reason the terms are different is to help with dating, as Lipsticks can look like Femmes and vice versa. Femmes have the understanding of dating Butches/Genderqueers/Trans, for example they understanding the need for a soft place to land at home (as it can be hard to be who they are out in society), also that you may need to check out the toilet situation at restaurants and report back to them etc. [Disclaimer, people are free to label themselves and date whoever they want, I am just reporting on my background].
Last Friday we went to Misty’s Diner, a 1950s retro diner, to celebrate his Manniversary with 20 of our closest friends. We had a great time, and Max was on fire, chatting to everyone and having a great time. Even the owner, Misty, wanted to hire him as he was doing such a good job coordinating all the food orders. To digress, I have noticed that there is an attraction to the 1950s from the butch/femme/trans/queer community, and I think this has to do with the well defined gender norms of the times. Women were very feminine and men were very masculine, think Mad Men TV show. Now I am not saying the butch/femme/trans/queers are very strict about gender norms, as they tend to tnterpret it their own queer way. For example, one thing that I have noticed is that many Femmes who date genderqueers/butches/transguys, and are attracted to expressing 1950s femininity tend to have a number of rocker-billy tattoos, mixed in with their gorgeous pencil skirts, and head scarfs. Max and I have our own attraction to the 1950s too; both of us love the clothes and the furniture. Anyway, so back to the night, it was a very fun celebration. All our friends (straight, gay, queer, trans*) have been so supportive and it was great to give thanks to their role in our lives. I have to say, I have not had one bad experience. Not even my hairdresser, or my osteopath even batted an eye lid when I explained why my partner has changed his name (and pronouns). I keep getting myself ready for a negative response, by being on guard, but nothing bad has happened. I am so thrilled about this. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have been wonderfully kind and compassionate.
If I could talk to myself 12 months ago I would say, “You won’t lose your partner, you will gain through this experience, some times are tough, but overall it will be positive”.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Interview with Max
Me: When did you first realise that you were trans*?
Max: I always find this a really hard question to answer, because I think I have always known that I was different. I think the fact that I was cross dressing in my father’s suits, at the age of 7, was probably a big indicator. Then I went on to do Gender Studies at uni and, so I have always known that I was different. But in terms of putting the trans* label on it, I think it was when we were at [Midsumma] Carnival, one year, I don’t remember which year, and we were doing a survey and there was a gender question ...
Me: It was last year, 2010
Max: 2010, and it was Female, Male, Transgender. And I choose trans for the first time, because it was the one that I felt the closest to who I was. So I think that was the first time I put that label on my difference, though I think I have known about my difference since I was very young.
Me: What were your major or main concerns about medically transitioning?
Max: My biggest fear was that I would lose my family, umm, well no probably my biggest fear was that I would lose you, but that fear didn’t last that long, because we communicated about it so much. So then it was losing my family. Changing my mind, doing something that was not right for me. How did I know it was right, to medically transition? Work and employment prospects. There was a lot of worry, there was a lot of concern.
Me: So what got you to start your medical transition then?
Max: I think the fact that I was so depressed, very, very depressed, to the point it was starting to impact on my work, my life, fairly significantly. It was all around this, all around transition.
Me: Your body dysphoria, or not?
Max: Yeah, yeah. And I think I had a fear that I would die, if I didn’t do something. And that this was something that I thought would make me feel better. And thankfully it has.
Me: How was your family been?
Max: My family has surprised me, with how good they have been, having said that, it still hasn’t been easy. And it’s not easy now, but I know that they are doing their best. I’m doing my best to keep communicating with them, and keep the doors open and, not throw things in their face, so to speak. I’m cautiously optimistic and I am pleased with how they have responded. But it remains a challenge.
Me: How was it transitioning at work for you?
Max: Transitioning at work was really hard. I found it very difficult. Looking back now, the process went very smoothly and everything was fine. But going through it in the moment, was really challenging and really anxiety provoking, changing toilets, changing names. It was really hard, but I had a really supportive manager and real supportive team. It has been relatively easy and I am really pleased.
Me: You mentioned before about having a bleak future, before you transitioned. Have your thoughts changed about the future, since you started transitioning?
Max: Significantly, I don't feel like I am going to die anymore. I feel really good, and I look forward to things. There are still challenges, like finding a new job before my documents get changed, surgery, there are still some challenges. But I have a more positive outlook on life. And I feel like I can look at my life in the future now.
Me: That’s great!
Max: Yeah!
Me: What has been your experience with the trans* community?
Max: Umm, quiet nerve racking at first. I found it really intimidating, hanging out with other trans guys and trans women. But I think as my transition progressed and I felt better about myself. I found it easier to socialise, and I have meet some really good people, which has been helpful. So I know there are good people who are trans*. You know being trans* is not about being a freak or being a monster. There are some really great people out there and it has been really helpful for my transition to meet other people and I feel a lot more comfortable now. I really like going to trans* events and hanging out with the community. I think it has been really helpful. Certainly my perspective has changed over time.
Me: How about your relationship with me. Do you think there have been any changes in the last year?
Max: Yes. Yeah, there have been changes in the last year. My empathic response has changed, and that has changed perhaps the way we communicate. I think we have handled it quiet well. I think you have handled it very well.
Me: Thank you.
Max: I think that your skills around communication have made that a lot easier, than it might otherwise have been. But certainly there have been changes. I have changed. I am still the same person in lots of ways, but communicating with me I know is different. My empathic response is different.
Me: In what way?
Max: I don’t umm... I think I am not quite as sensitive to subtle cues anymore. And sometimes I need to be bashed over the head, and told that you are feeling sad. Whereas, I might have noticed that before, I might not notice it so greatly now, so there has certainly been changes. But I don’t think that any of the changes have been hugely negative. I think we have handled them very well as a couple.
Me: Thanks. I think we have done really well. Now it has nearly been a year on testosterone.
Max: Yeah!
Me: What have been the best parts?
Max: That’s a hard question to answer. Little Max asked me the same thing a little while ago and I don’t think I ever responded, ‘cos it is really hard to choose the best, ‘cos I enjoy lots of the changes.
Me: Sorry you don’t have to pick one thing.
Max: I love the muscle growth. I really like the way my body responds to a small amount of exercise. It’s great! I have got more energy now I think, part of that might be from the testosterone, part of that might be from not being so depressed. My favourite bits? I like the way I feel on testosterone, and it’s hard to verbalise and articulate. But I feel more confident, I feel like I am standing up straighter, I feel good about myself. And that surely has got to be the best.
Me: Yes, watching your confidence grow has really been great to watch. What has been the worst part?
Max: The worst part of testosterone?
Me: Not necessarily testosterone, I’m talking about your transition for the year?
Max: There has been lots of anxiety along the way. Lots of anxiety about family, relationships, work, that has been really challenging. I think also, negotiating our relationships has been challenging for me at times.
Me: Yeah the first 3 months were quite difficult!
Max: The first three months were really hard. Things did get significantly better after that, and I am just so thankful.
Me: Have there been anything unexpected, happen in the last year, any unexpected changes or experiences?
Max: I think that the more sort of emotional, intellectual changes have been a surprise.
Me: Intellectual changes?
Max: I feel like I can focus more. Maybe that is not an intellectual change, and maybe I have used the wrong word there. I feel like I can focus more on the task at hand, which means that I loss focus of the peripheral.
Me: Maybe that’s why you can’t multi-task anymore?
Max: Well, yeah there is that thing that women can multi-task and men can’t, and I have experienced that to a degree. So that has been surprising. I think things like butt crack hair are a little surprising (laughs). I think also people’s responses have been surprising. I have not had a negative response, except from very close family, understandably. But friends, work colleagues, my client’s at work, external people that I work with, everybody has been really supportive. And that has been a surprise, a very pleasant surprise.
Me: Any regrets?
Max: No. Perhaps, my only regret is that I didn’t journal more in the beginning. But I have no regrets about transitioning ... at all. I feel great.
Me: What about hard? Have there been any hard moments?
Max: There have been lots of hard moments. Disclosing to my parents was far and away the hardest part, for sure. Disclosure, I think disclosure generally was the hardest thing, at work, with friend and definitely with family.
Me: What has been the easiest part?
Max: I think my relationship with you. Because you have just been so supportive and there for me, in the way that I needed you to be there for me. Sometimes that meant sitting quietly, and sometimes that meant talking through something. And you have been able to do that for me through the whole process. And that’s made the whole experience a lot easier.
Me: Yeah, I think that is because we put a lot of work into building the foundations of our relationship beforehand.
Max: Yeah and, because we’re exceptional people.
Me: I’ll put that it the blog!
Max: (laughs)
Me: This is the last question. What are you looking forward to?
Max: I am really looking forward to top surgery. Yeah, I am really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to lots of things. I’m looking forward to being more involved with the community. I am looking forward to supporting other people through transition and being there for friends. And I’m looking forward to my relationships growing, as a result of me being more honest, about who I am, and what I am. Honest with myself and honest with others, and I think that makes a big difference to the quality of my relationships. And I continue to look forward to more and better relationships.
Me: That sounds really positive.
Max: Yeah, baby!
Me: Is there anything else you wanted to say?
Max: Nah!
Me: Well, thank you!
Max: I always find this a really hard question to answer, because I think I have always known that I was different. I think the fact that I was cross dressing in my father’s suits, at the age of 7, was probably a big indicator. Then I went on to do Gender Studies at uni and, so I have always known that I was different. But in terms of putting the trans* label on it, I think it was when we were at [Midsumma] Carnival, one year, I don’t remember which year, and we were doing a survey and there was a gender question ...
Me: It was last year, 2010
Max: 2010, and it was Female, Male, Transgender. And I choose trans for the first time, because it was the one that I felt the closest to who I was. So I think that was the first time I put that label on my difference, though I think I have known about my difference since I was very young.
Me: What were your major or main concerns about medically transitioning?
Max: My biggest fear was that I would lose my family, umm, well no probably my biggest fear was that I would lose you, but that fear didn’t last that long, because we communicated about it so much. So then it was losing my family. Changing my mind, doing something that was not right for me. How did I know it was right, to medically transition? Work and employment prospects. There was a lot of worry, there was a lot of concern.
Me: So what got you to start your medical transition then?
Max: I think the fact that I was so depressed, very, very depressed, to the point it was starting to impact on my work, my life, fairly significantly. It was all around this, all around transition.
Me: Your body dysphoria, or not?
Max: Yeah, yeah. And I think I had a fear that I would die, if I didn’t do something. And that this was something that I thought would make me feel better. And thankfully it has.
Me: How was your family been?
Max: My family has surprised me, with how good they have been, having said that, it still hasn’t been easy. And it’s not easy now, but I know that they are doing their best. I’m doing my best to keep communicating with them, and keep the doors open and, not throw things in their face, so to speak. I’m cautiously optimistic and I am pleased with how they have responded. But it remains a challenge.
Me: How was it transitioning at work for you?
Max: Transitioning at work was really hard. I found it very difficult. Looking back now, the process went very smoothly and everything was fine. But going through it in the moment, was really challenging and really anxiety provoking, changing toilets, changing names. It was really hard, but I had a really supportive manager and real supportive team. It has been relatively easy and I am really pleased.
Me: You mentioned before about having a bleak future, before you transitioned. Have your thoughts changed about the future, since you started transitioning?
Max: Significantly, I don't feel like I am going to die anymore. I feel really good, and I look forward to things. There are still challenges, like finding a new job before my documents get changed, surgery, there are still some challenges. But I have a more positive outlook on life. And I feel like I can look at my life in the future now.
Me: That’s great!
Max: Yeah!
Me: What has been your experience with the trans* community?
Max: Umm, quiet nerve racking at first. I found it really intimidating, hanging out with other trans guys and trans women. But I think as my transition progressed and I felt better about myself. I found it easier to socialise, and I have meet some really good people, which has been helpful. So I know there are good people who are trans*. You know being trans* is not about being a freak or being a monster. There are some really great people out there and it has been really helpful for my transition to meet other people and I feel a lot more comfortable now. I really like going to trans* events and hanging out with the community. I think it has been really helpful. Certainly my perspective has changed over time.
Me: How about your relationship with me. Do you think there have been any changes in the last year?
Max: Yes. Yeah, there have been changes in the last year. My empathic response has changed, and that has changed perhaps the way we communicate. I think we have handled it quiet well. I think you have handled it very well.
Me: Thank you.
Max: I think that your skills around communication have made that a lot easier, than it might otherwise have been. But certainly there have been changes. I have changed. I am still the same person in lots of ways, but communicating with me I know is different. My empathic response is different.
Me: In what way?
Max: I don’t umm... I think I am not quite as sensitive to subtle cues anymore. And sometimes I need to be bashed over the head, and told that you are feeling sad. Whereas, I might have noticed that before, I might not notice it so greatly now, so there has certainly been changes. But I don’t think that any of the changes have been hugely negative. I think we have handled them very well as a couple.
Me: Thanks. I think we have done really well. Now it has nearly been a year on testosterone.
Max: Yeah!
Me: What have been the best parts?
Max: That’s a hard question to answer. Little Max asked me the same thing a little while ago and I don’t think I ever responded, ‘cos it is really hard to choose the best, ‘cos I enjoy lots of the changes.
Me: Sorry you don’t have to pick one thing.
Max: I love the muscle growth. I really like the way my body responds to a small amount of exercise. It’s great! I have got more energy now I think, part of that might be from the testosterone, part of that might be from not being so depressed. My favourite bits? I like the way I feel on testosterone, and it’s hard to verbalise and articulate. But I feel more confident, I feel like I am standing up straighter, I feel good about myself. And that surely has got to be the best.
Me: Yes, watching your confidence grow has really been great to watch. What has been the worst part?
Max: The worst part of testosterone?
Me: Not necessarily testosterone, I’m talking about your transition for the year?
Max: There has been lots of anxiety along the way. Lots of anxiety about family, relationships, work, that has been really challenging. I think also, negotiating our relationships has been challenging for me at times.
Me: Yeah the first 3 months were quite difficult!
Max: The first three months were really hard. Things did get significantly better after that, and I am just so thankful.
Me: Have there been anything unexpected, happen in the last year, any unexpected changes or experiences?
Max: I think that the more sort of emotional, intellectual changes have been a surprise.
Me: Intellectual changes?
Max: I feel like I can focus more. Maybe that is not an intellectual change, and maybe I have used the wrong word there. I feel like I can focus more on the task at hand, which means that I loss focus of the peripheral.
Me: Maybe that’s why you can’t multi-task anymore?
Max: Well, yeah there is that thing that women can multi-task and men can’t, and I have experienced that to a degree. So that has been surprising. I think things like butt crack hair are a little surprising (laughs). I think also people’s responses have been surprising. I have not had a negative response, except from very close family, understandably. But friends, work colleagues, my client’s at work, external people that I work with, everybody has been really supportive. And that has been a surprise, a very pleasant surprise.
Me: Any regrets?
Max: No. Perhaps, my only regret is that I didn’t journal more in the beginning. But I have no regrets about transitioning ... at all. I feel great.
Me: What about hard? Have there been any hard moments?
Max: There have been lots of hard moments. Disclosing to my parents was far and away the hardest part, for sure. Disclosure, I think disclosure generally was the hardest thing, at work, with friend and definitely with family.
Me: What has been the easiest part?
Max: I think my relationship with you. Because you have just been so supportive and there for me, in the way that I needed you to be there for me. Sometimes that meant sitting quietly, and sometimes that meant talking through something. And you have been able to do that for me through the whole process. And that’s made the whole experience a lot easier.
Me: Yeah, I think that is because we put a lot of work into building the foundations of our relationship beforehand.
Max: Yeah and, because we’re exceptional people.
Me: I’ll put that it the blog!
Max: (laughs)
Me: This is the last question. What are you looking forward to?
Max: I am really looking forward to top surgery. Yeah, I am really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to lots of things. I’m looking forward to being more involved with the community. I am looking forward to supporting other people through transition and being there for friends. And I’m looking forward to my relationships growing, as a result of me being more honest, about who I am, and what I am. Honest with myself and honest with others, and I think that makes a big difference to the quality of my relationships. And I continue to look forward to more and better relationships.
Me: That sounds really positive.
Max: Yeah, baby!
Me: Is there anything else you wanted to say?
Max: Nah!
Me: Well, thank you!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Update on surgery decision
Last week Max found out that his contract at his job is not being renewed. This is due to the state government change, and this whole team is being let go. This has really put a spanner in the works. Max has decided that the best thing is to put the surgery on hold, not that he wants to, because it is the best thing to do. He is looking for a new job straight away even though he has 4 months left on his contract. The issue of looking for work now is, all his documentation still states he is female and he passes 100% male. In Australia (and it depends state to state) you have to have at least top surgery and some type of bottom surgery (to make infertile) to change your gender. Max is going to have to find a job that understands and is use to working with diverse people. I’m glad he has time to look for this cultural fit in a new job. Also Max will have to call his past employers and tell them of his name and gender change. It really is a total shame that he could not complete his transition at his current job as they have been really good about it.
We caught up with some friends (a couple) to talk surgery, as Richard will be having top surgery too soon, interstate as well. He stated that Dr. Bartholomeuzs told him that nipple sensation was 50/50 where he told us that is was 100%. At this stage Dr. Hassell feels like the better option. However for now, surgery is on hold.
We caught up with some friends (a couple) to talk surgery, as Richard will be having top surgery too soon, interstate as well. He stated that Dr. Bartholomeuzs told him that nipple sensation was 50/50 where he told us that is was 100%. At this stage Dr. Hassell feels like the better option. However for now, surgery is on hold.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A big decision to make
Last weekend we flew to Sydney to see Dr. Megan Hassall on Monday (7th February). We arrived on the hottest day in 4 years, 43 degrees (yuk) and we had flew out of Melbourne as it was experiencing flash floods! Funny to think that we were suppose to fly into Brisbane the day it flooded too, but had to postpone it a week. Australia, this year is not doing well with the weather.
Anyway, Max and I have seen both Dr. Bartholomeuzs and Dr. Hassell. Now Max has to make a decision as to which one to go with. We are going to be discussing it tonight, so I won’t be writing too much now. They both have their positives and negatives. At the moment, Max is messaging and talking to other transguys about their experience with surgery and the surgeons, to help him make his decision.
Anyway, Max and I have seen both Dr. Bartholomeuzs and Dr. Hassell. Now Max has to make a decision as to which one to go with. We are going to be discussing it tonight, so I won’t be writing too much now. They both have their positives and negatives. At the moment, Max is messaging and talking to other transguys about their experience with surgery and the surgeons, to help him make his decision.
Max's mum comes for a visit
The other week Max’s mother stopped by for a quick coffee on her way to the airport (as they live overseas) as we hadn’t seen her for awhile. Max was gearing up to tell her about his upcoming surgery, but was worried about how she was going to take it. I suggested that, Max could ask her how much she wants to know. When his mother arrived she realised she had left her passport at the farm, and that she will have to drive back to get it, significantly cutting into the time she was going to spend with us. Max nearly didn’t ask his mum what she wants to know about his surgery, because she was so frazzled, but I gently nuzzled him to ask. She responded very well, stating that she “of course, wants to know what is happening”. First she asked if it is genital surgery, which Max replied no. She then asked if he was going to get a penis. We both brushed this question off, as this is not on the agenda as yet.
I think many people are naturally interested in bottom surgery (genital surgery) of transsexuals, however it is a very private topic. If you are uncomfortable describing your genitals in detail to someone else, then so is a transsexual.
Max discussed with his mum about his top surgery, and she stated she supports him and wants to know what is happening. This was a huge relief for Max, though we are not sure how much we want her involved as she gets overwhelmed with people having surgery. Max’s dad just had shoulder surgery.
Throughout the visit, Max’s mum referred to him by his birth name, and I referred to Max by his name. His mum pointed out (on her own) that she is saying his birth name because she can’t bring herself to say Max yet, but that she is able to write it (in emails and on the Xmas card). We told her that how she is going is fine and that with time it will come and feel more natural. I told her that I have been calling him Max for a nearly a year now and cannot go back to his birth name. We had a very good conversation about adjusting to Max’s transition, and that we should allow for individual different in how and how quick we adjust. Overall, it was a very positive conversation.
I think many people are naturally interested in bottom surgery (genital surgery) of transsexuals, however it is a very private topic. If you are uncomfortable describing your genitals in detail to someone else, then so is a transsexual.
Max discussed with his mum about his top surgery, and she stated she supports him and wants to know what is happening. This was a huge relief for Max, though we are not sure how much we want her involved as she gets overwhelmed with people having surgery. Max’s dad just had shoulder surgery.
Throughout the visit, Max’s mum referred to him by his birth name, and I referred to Max by his name. His mum pointed out (on her own) that she is saying his birth name because she can’t bring herself to say Max yet, but that she is able to write it (in emails and on the Xmas card). We told her that how she is going is fine and that with time it will come and feel more natural. I told her that I have been calling him Max for a nearly a year now and cannot go back to his birth name. We had a very good conversation about adjusting to Max’s transition, and that we should allow for individual different in how and how quick we adjust. Overall, it was a very positive conversation.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Going to Brisbane tomorrow
Yesterday Max and I heard from the surgeon's receptionist in regards to making a new appointment. Max was super nice, as he totally understands that, having to cancel the appointments was completely out of their control. Initially, Max could not get an appointment until 16th of February. However a little while later the receptionist called back and told Max that there was a cancelation for this Thursday. She asked if we could organise ourselves to fly up in two days. Max organised it all, so now we are going tomorrow. It is very exciting to get the ball rolling again.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Floods
On Thursday Max and I were suppose to fly to Brisbane for the day so Max could see a surgeon for consultation of top surgery. We booked this nearly 4 months ago, and both of us (Max especially) were looking forward to starting the road to surgery. However, Queensland has suffered from devastating floods, including Brisbane. The hospital cancelled all appointments, and are not rescheduling until things have settled down, which we totally understand. My thoughts are with all Australians who have been affected by floods, including Victorians, Queenslanders and New South Welsh-people. At the moment QLD has been the worst hit.
If you would like to donate to a good cause, here is a link to help affected LGBT Queenslanders
If you would like to donate to a good cause, here is a link to help affected LGBT Queenslanders
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Max's family
This Xmas Max’s mum addressed the Xmas cards to Max. This was so good to see and made him extremely happy. The family are really doing so much better. Max’s mum still comments that Max really hasn't changed much, and this is okay with us, because this means that the transitioning is not scary too her, as she still sees her child. Max’s dad doesn't talk about it, but will say that he is supportive and leaves it at that, again this is fine with us too. Also Max’s brother and sister in law have also told their children. The eldest, who is 10 years old boy, was very interested and seemed to be quiet excepting about it. While the youngest, 7 year old girl, was not interested to talk about it. We are relieved that they have finally told the children.
Max went down to the family farm the day after Boxing Day, I didn’t go. Max’s mother told us that we are not allowed to tell his grandmother about his transition, therefore at the farm he will be called by his birth name. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t go; as I cannot go back to using his birth name (also I was still in grief from my friend’s death). I also think it is a little naive to think that grandma doesn’t know what is going on, but I guess denial can be a powerful force. Max reported when he got back that one night they had a games night and his niece suggested girls vs. boys, and Max stated let’s not do that, and everyone had a big laugh. Even though his niece did not want to hear about the transition, she hardly left Max’s side at the farm. Overall, at the farm everything went really well, and the family are able to see that Max is still the same person, but happier. When he got back, though, he asked me to call him Max a couple of times.
Max went down to the family farm the day after Boxing Day, I didn’t go. Max’s mother told us that we are not allowed to tell his grandmother about his transition, therefore at the farm he will be called by his birth name. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t go; as I cannot go back to using his birth name (also I was still in grief from my friend’s death). I also think it is a little naive to think that grandma doesn’t know what is going on, but I guess denial can be a powerful force. Max reported when he got back that one night they had a games night and his niece suggested girls vs. boys, and Max stated let’s not do that, and everyone had a big laugh. Even though his niece did not want to hear about the transition, she hardly left Max’s side at the farm. Overall, at the farm everything went really well, and the family are able to see that Max is still the same person, but happier. When he got back, though, he asked me to call him Max a couple of times.
9 months on T
It’s just over 9 months since Max has been on T. He passes all the time and is so much happier. The changes on T are gradual, especially when you see the person every day, as I do. We have been documenting the changes using photos, measurements (arms, waist, legs, butt etc.) voice, hairiness and mood. I have complied all of these into a PowerPoint presentation, and the other day I went back to the start and realised how much he has changed. His shoulders are considerably larger, as are all his muscles (he loves his muscles), fat redistribution is also another major change. When I hug him he feels harder. His jaw line is more prominent, his skin appears rougher, he shaves a few times a week (but admits he should shave every two days). Kissing him on days he has not shaved I can feel the stubble, though it is not as visible as it is going to get. I have to say I really don't have experience kissing people with stubble, because the last time I had a boyfriend was back in high school and he didn’t even have facial hair yet. This is something else to get use to, but I am doing well with coping with the changes. I have adjusted to his lower voice now, and recognise it on the phone, though it is funny when I hear his voice message (recorded 4 months ago) is higher.
Overall I have to admit I am doing really well with the changes. Mostly when he points out another change, for example, more hair on his belly, I always have a bit of a giggle. Watching Max become more confident, more social and so much happier makes it very easy to deal with the changes. Next week we are flying to Brisbane to see a surgeon for a consult for top surgery. Max can’t wait to get his ‘chesticles’ off. I realised that his surgery will bring a big change suddenly as opposed to the gradual changes with T. Oh well, it will be such a relief for Max to have top surgery; no more binding, no more wearing t-shirts during sex, no more avoiding looking in mirrors topless. Top surgery should be some time in April, and Max is counting down.
Overall I have to admit I am doing really well with the changes. Mostly when he points out another change, for example, more hair on his belly, I always have a bit of a giggle. Watching Max become more confident, more social and so much happier makes it very easy to deal with the changes. Next week we are flying to Brisbane to see a surgeon for a consult for top surgery. Max can’t wait to get his ‘chesticles’ off. I realised that his surgery will bring a big change suddenly as opposed to the gradual changes with T. Oh well, it will be such a relief for Max to have top surgery; no more binding, no more wearing t-shirts during sex, no more avoiding looking in mirrors topless. Top surgery should be some time in April, and Max is counting down.
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