Unprepared

November post - Sorry I have been away, life just gets in the way sometimes.

A few weeks ago, Max and I were invited to go to a gay male venue that was having an open day (all could attend including females and heterosexuals). I wanted to go, as did Max, as in the future Max has expressed an interest in going to a gay male venue just to see what it is like (not to participate as we are not in an open relationship, nor has he expressed any interest in sexual activities with men).

So Max and I went with John and Judy. About 30 minutes into our time there and a drunk 50-something gay man asked me “Does my hubby let me come to places like this?” I was so taken back that I didn’t even respond. Max ended up responding for me, and he stated “It’s fine with me”, nodding as he said it, to tell the gay guy that I am with Max. Next the gay guy shook his head and said “No, you’re with him” and pointed to John. I was totally in shock. Here I am in a gay venue being read as a fag-hag that has to ask her hubby if it is okay to come along. I was so unprepared for something like this to happen, especially in a gay venue. I ended up becoming really upset.
Later, Max and I had a disagreement that ended with the comment by Max “let’s talk about this with a psychologist”. I was a bit taken back by this comment as I felt he had something really big to tell me. I made an appointment for us to see my psychologist (as we had been to his a couple of times, and I wanted my psychologist to meet Max).

At the psychologist we discussed why I became so upset at the gay venue. It really came down to two things; 1) I do not like being read as a straight, married fag-hag, because I feel like I lose my queer identity, which goes to the second point, 2) can I out Max as a transguy so I don’t lose my queer identity. I think that the disagreement we had actually all came down to the 2nd point. I didn’t out Max at the Laird, as I thought it was not appropriate, but I wanted to ask when it was appropriate for me to do so. I guess I felt that because it is his transition, I really don’t have as much of a say. The thing is, when I am on my own (as a femme lesbian) I am invisible, however when I am with my partner (butch lesbian) then I become visible (as a lesbian). Now because Max has transitioned, we are now both invisible, or he gets read as a gay man. I think I got upset that day, as Max still was seen as queer, when I wasn’t. The session with the psychologist went really well. Max said that he is happy to be outed at some events (he know has a t-shirt that says “tranny boy”) and that it is still okay if I continue to identify as a lesbian (which I still feel a bit funny about).
I guess it is still going to take some time to get use to, and coming up is Midsumma http://www.midsumma.org.au/ and I am already thinking about how this one will be the first one, when both Max and I are invisible. At least, he has the t-shirt to wear to the big events, and I will practice not worrying about what people might think.



[I want to dedicate this post to a friend that passed away in a tragic accident. Em, I miss you so much, and I so wish that you didn’t leave us so early. You were one of my first friends I told about Max’s transition and you were so supportive and understanding. I really wish you were here to see how Max will grow into the man he was always going to be. I will miss all your emails, phone calls and visits. And I will miss our friendship. Love S]

My jobs

One of my jobs I have recently resigned. In summary I was being bullied and taken for granted. Therefore I have been quiet stressed lately. The thing is, if my partner was diagnosed with Lupus or Diabetes or even broke their legs, I would have felt comfortable saying to my boss, “My partner has just been diagnosed with ...” so that my boss would lay off me for a while. However, I did not feel comfortable telling my boss that my partner is transitioning from female to male. It is just too personal the information, but at the same time I want some understanding of my life and the extra stress I am under. I think this situation highlights the stigma of gender variant people and that this stigma is an added stress of being a partner.
My other job is going really well, and they have offered me more work – doing the same thing but at another facility. Since I started this job, I have used male pronouns when talking about my partner. However one of the psychologist at the other facility I did my doctorate with, and they know that I identify as lesbian (or I did during the doctorate - not sure how I identify anymore). I guess I had not thought about running into people in my past.
I have not kept up with contacts from the doctorate. I was a bit on the outer, I think due to being gay. Actually I was the only girl in the class not invite to baby showers and hen’s nights. This actually really hurt my feelings, as I would still like to go to these events, and people should not jump to conclusions based on sexual preferences. Anyway, even though I am friends with many on facebook, I have not contacted any of my ex-fellow students to give them updates on my life. Actually not one of my friends commented (on facebook) on the name change of Max.
So now I have to speak to Linda before I start using male pronouns at the new facility as I don’t want to be seen as a liar (similar thoughts as before). I am not sure what she has said to the others, she could have outed me as lesbian before I start. I am actually quiet anxious about this situation. I do want to be honest to Linda and talk to her; I just hope I get the time.

The road to surgery

It is customary in Australia for a transguy to be on T for 12 months before top surgery. Firstly a definition - top surgery is removal of the breasts with a chest reconstruction into a male chest, it is not a mastectomy. Max has been on T for 6 months now, and with every passing day he is becoming more and more restless to get his “chesticles” (what he calls them) off. They (still not sure who it is that is making these decisions) believe that 12 months is a good time, as by this stage the pectoral muscles have developed into a more masculine shape making it easier for the surgeon to reconstruct into a male chest. Anyway, Max thought it would be good to start doing some research, which I am not against, but thought that it might fuel his eagerness to get them off. Surprisingly, there are only 4 surgeons in the whole of Australia that do this type of surgery. Additionally the only one in Melbourne (there is one in Perth, one in Brisbane and one in Sydney) is 70 years old and about to retire. Therefore we are limited to three. Max didn’t find any information on the one in Perth, however did find some photos of previous top surgery for the ones in Brisbane and Sydney. So Max started getting ready to organise surgery. I thought it was a little early but I was wrong. The following is in Max’s words.

So I thought I would jump the gun and book my consult for surgery this morning. I'm a little anxious about budget and what Medicare and my health fund would cover so I thought I'd get on top of things to reduce my anxiety. Clearly I haven’t learnt from my past experiences, which in relation to medical transition (booking appointments, etc) have been quite stressful. This turned out to be no different.

Research into procedures and results over the past few weeks has led me to choose Megan Hassall in Sydney for my top surgery. So I called her rooms this morning and was informed that the next available consult is in February 2011. I booked my appointment, got all the pertinent information and was told to bring both a referral and a letter from my psychiatrist. Given that I’m hoping to get my procedure done in April 2011, it feels like cutting it a bit fine. But OK.

Given that I have chosen to go with an interstate surgeon, I’m wondering what the role of the local gender clinic is for me. I am a patient of the clinic and I’m wondering why. So I called them this morning. (I called them last week to begin these discussions about surgery, but the clinic is only open on Tuesday and Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get in touch with them until today.) I explained that I am seeing their psychiatrist as a private patient at his private rooms, that I am seeing a psychologist as a private patient and that I have booked my consult for surgery in NSW as a private patient. “So I am wondering what the clinic’s role is in my patient journey?” The response was very unclear – perhaps if you needed to see a social worker or another psychologist or someone else here. Like who??? How many mental health professionals can one person see? Given the complexity of my questions (really??) the receptionist had already put me through to someone else and this was the quality of response. I’m not sure what is more shocking – the fact that no one there is able to explain things to an intelligent, engaged and enquiring person or the fact that this person didn’t even know that Megan Hassall performs top surgery for FTMs.

The medical transition process has been an incredibly frustrating and often confusing journey so far.

Expanding boundaries of attraction

I have noticed a strange phenomenon. I’m starting to look at guys now. I am paying attention to how they dress, if I would consider them attractive or not, the size of their arms, facial hair and so on. This is really unusual for me as in the past I had a total blind spot for men. I could spot a Butch a mile away, but would not be able to tell you what the man standing next to me was wearing. Because I am a psychologist I had an idea about why this is happening. I don't think this has to do with my sexual attraction changing, I think that it has to do with social comparison theory. Social comparison theory is the idea that there is a drive within individuals to look to outside images in order to evaluate our own opinions and abilities. These images may be a reference to physical reality or in comparison to other people. Thus, we humans have the tendency to compare ourselves to others. For example, is she smarted than me? Am I fitter than her? We also do this with our relationships and partners. We compare so we know where we sit in society. So previously before Max started transitioning I would compare him to the other Butches, and know that (by social comparison) my Butch was handsome and sexy. However, now that he is 6 months into his transition and passes as male. I now compare him to men to see where he sits; how he dresses, how attractive he is, the size of his arms. I think he is a very handsome and sexy man, when I look at other men.

Additionally, I think another psychological theory could explain my “expanding boundaries of attraction” and that is cognitive dissonance. When people experience cognitive dissonance, which is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding simultaneously conflicting ideas, thoughts and/or beliefs, they are motivated to change their thoughts, beliefs and ideas to reduce the uncomfortable feelings. For example, you might have a belief that you dislike a certain vegetable, however at a friend’s house you unknowingly eat the vegetable and enjoy it. When you find out you have eaten and enjoyed the vegetable, and understand that this does not fit with your belief on disliking that vegetable. You, therefore change your belief to, I don't dislike that vegetable when it is cooked/prepared etc. in a certain way. For my experience, I had the belief that I did not find men attractive, however now that I am with a man, to reduce my cognitive dissonance, I need to change my belief. I don’t think I have fully formed it yet, but I think my thoughts and beliefs are in line with what is my main attraction to Max, which is that I am attracted to his strength and security, thus I find these characteristics attractive in men. When I was talking to my psychologist about this the other day, he noted that when I describe what I am attracted to they are characteristics rather than as physical attributes. I guess I will just watch and see how this evolves.

Visit from Max’s mother

Two weekends ago (11th of September) Max’s mother was down from Singapore and we had arranged for her to stop at our place to go out to a cafe for breakfast before she drives down to the farm (4 hours away). Max’s mother, Lucy, was suppose to arrive at our house from Max’s brother house between 8 am and 8:30, however she did not arrived until 9am (not even a text message). This waiting caused great anxiety among Max and I, particularly thinking that she will not come at all. We know that she is still coming to term with the news (and that Donald, Max’s father, is not coping at all), and we were just not sure how she was feeling about coming to see Max, as it is different from just talking on the phone. Once she arrived we felt better, but still a little anxious.
We decided that she can choose for me to come to breakfast or not, in case she wishes to speak to Max on his own. Lucy stated that she has no issues and it is fine for me to come. I do have a very good history with her and we get along well which is a positive, especially at this time. Once we did the initial hellos, Lucy reported that Max doesn't appear to have changed that much, which we were quiet surprised from this comment. It has nearly been 6 months that Max has been on T and there have been heaps of changes and he passes all the time. I guess, especially being a parent, you see what you want to see. Additionally, of course Max still looks like Max, and if Lucy had an image in her head that he would look like a stranger then she would report that he doesn't appear different. I guess it will take time for her to see her daughter as a son. In Singapore, Lucy went to her GP to ask about the effects of testosterone, and the only think the doctor said was facial hair, so she might have had an image of her daughter with a beard, which is just not appropriate for the doctor to have said. There are many more changes, and growing facial hair is one of the last ones to appear (sometime years).
The breakfast went really well. The conversation was familiar and normal, which was a relief for Max. The only goal he had for today was to ask his mum to use his new name. About half way through breakfast Max asked his mum if she could try and use his new name. She stated that she will find it really difficult as “you’re my daughter and always will be”. Max reported that as his changes become more pronounced, it will appear silly to be referring to him with a female name. Lucy clearly thought about this comment, and replied that she will try. Max was over the moon. Also at this time, the waiter was clearly using male references to Max, which was great for his mum to see. She stated that she may get it wrong it the future, or forget to use his new name. However we replied that it is fine, as it is the effort that counts. Overall, we were both really happy with this outcome and the ease his mother had with talking to him. This was a big hurdle to get over and both parties survived.

5 month on T and family update

Time for an update on T changes and family, I think, well Max’s family has really been quiet slow to establish a clear and open dialogue. I know it is a lot to get use to but, the T won’t wait for any body. Max has spoken to his Mum twice since the phone call in June, and he has not spoken to his Dad at all. His Mum states that his Dad is still too upset to talk about it. At least the conversations with his Mum are going well, last time she was asking questions and listening to the answers (which is not like her, as she can be absorbed with her own life). We have also not seen his brother for awhile. They (his brother and his brother’s wife) told us that they were fine with it and that they will tell the kids soon, but nothing has eventuated. I am not sure if they understand how fast the changes T can make. I hope that when we see the niece and nephew that they are not too shocked. They are young and I am sure will roll with the changes fine.

Five months today Max started T. I have noticed quite a few changes. His voice is a lot lower, his face has changed shape (his cheeks are bigger as is his chin, also the skin is not as smooth), his has a lot more hair, more muscles and strength, he is broader in the shoulders and there has been a lot of changes in weight distribution. There have also been psychological and emotional changes too. Emotionally he reports that he cannot cry like he use to, even if he wishes he just cannot. He also stated that his empathic response has changed too. He doesn’t want to sit around and “chit chat” anymore, he wants to “get out and do things”. Psychologically he has been so much happier, his confidence has increased, and he has more energy and is enjoying life. He is still stressed from time to time about his family coping with his transition but that is normal.

I notice that I have not written anything about his work situation. I will have to do that in the future.

Feeling like a vulnerable liar.

Of course having a partner transition from female to male will have its difficult moments, and I am not going to pretend like it is all fine. I am having trouble with my identity, feeling like a liar and being unsure if I can cope with this. I understand that our ‘minds’ allow us to think of all the things that could go wrong and I try not to get caught up in my thoughts too much. However it has been really useful seeing a psychologist, as this gives me room to explore those ‘dark’ thoughts but in a time limited, safe environment way and to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and might not be reality based at all. Additionally, speaking out the thoughts can help me to process them and move on.

So I am going to share some of these thoughts and how I have processed them. I have noticed that from time to time, I would swing wildly from feeling really fine with Max’s transition to not feeling okay about it all. I realised that when I am feeling good about it, I am thinking about how much I love him and that he as a person and what I love about him is not going to change (e.g., his moral values). When I am not feeling okay, I believe it is about being unsure if I will cope and be strong. Additionally I am struggling with the feelings of being vulnerable, which are linked to being able to cope. I have thoughts that include “I am a psychologist I should be okay”, “I am active in the queer/trans community, and therefore I should be able to cope with this”. I understand these are ‘should statements’ and that life is a more complicated than “I should have all the answers” which is really an unrealistic expectation.

Additionally, I have come to realise that I worry about being seen as a liar. I value in myself, about being an honest, open person. However I find myself now in positions where I feel that I am not being. For example, at my new job they believe me to be heterosexual and every time I am casually speaking to a colleague about the weekend or something, I have this sense of being a liar. I do understand that I don’t want to (or need to) share such personal information with work colleagues about my private (sexual) life. But this feeling really does irritate me as I have always in the past come out as a lesbian. I do realise that I have to learn to sit with this discomfort, until it passes, which I feel it will sometime in the future as I get use to people (strangers, work colleagues etc.) seeing me as heterosexual. I also realised during the psychology session that while I struggle with not feeling honest, at the same time enjoying hetero privilege but then feeling guilty about that. Interesting, huh?

I also feel a bit like a liar when my friends ask me how I identify. So when I tell my friends that I am with an FTM/trans-guy, I worry about them thinking that I am not a lesbian or a failed one (use to be made to feel that way for dating Butches) and that I was lying to them, or that I am lying now because I am a lesbian (but with a trans-guy). So I cannot win, however I understand that this is my thoughts in my head and not necessarily fact. My friends have been hugely supportive and understanding. Also talking to my psychologist I realised that I am still able to be honest and say “I don't know how I identify. I am not straight but that I just don't know what I am” and I am being honest.

I do realise though and we have already learnt this lesson that I need to communicate what is happening and what I am thinking. I am doing this.

Lucky ...

Last weekend we went up to sunny Brisbane to see my sister and her boyfriend. I had booked the tickets about 4-5 months ago so I could get them at a lower cost. When I booked the tickets we did not know when Max would be starting T or how long it would take him to pass, so I used the title Ms. (at that stage he had just changed his name so that was ok). A couple of weeks ago I realised this and went to try and fix the title up over the internet, as he has been on T for 4 months now and is passing as male 99.999% of the time. I was unable to change the title, and was getting a little worried about what might happen. We know that legally he is not male, but we just thought it would be easier for the airline staff to see a male with a male title. As I could not change it, we prepared ourselves for a bit of an issue when trying to get on board with our boarding passes. However on the way to the airport I had an idea. My name appears gender neutral, as does Max’s (pseudo name on blog won’t make sense, sorry) and I have a doctorate so my title of Dr. which is also gender neutral. So we swapped boarding passes. I was Ms. and Max had Dr. We were not stopped (nor asked for any ID) both flights. Lucky I have a doctorate and that we both have gender neutral names, as we did not have to disclose to people personal information just to board a plane to see my sister.

14 weeks on T

The last two weeks have been very up and down with a lot going on. Max’s mood swings have stabilised since being on 250, which has been a relief for both of us. Two weeks ago Max spoke to his Mum on the phone and it was a really positive, though difficult, conversation. His Mum was very honest about her feelings, not only to herself but to Max, which I think is a good thing as it is easier to deal with honesty than people pretending everything is alright. During this phone conversation, his parents gave their support and understanding but also admitted that they need time to process it all. His Mum is planning on going to Cleveland where other members of the extended family live so she can get some support. Max and I think it is a good idea, as his Mum is a bit isolated in Singapore and the extended family in Cleveland understand Max’s transition and are supportive of it. However since the phone conversation two weeks ago, Max has not spoken to his parents. Actually he hasn’t spoken to his Dad at all since telling them. Max was getting worried that as time lapsed and his voice deepened, that it might be harder for his parents to deal with the changes of the transition. He sent them an email explaining this. However the day his Dad received the email was the day that his Dad was going to ring him, but his Dad decided not to ring him (rang his brother instead). His Dad said that the email shocked him (about the voice changes) and that he could not bring himself to call Max. We understand that they need time to adjust to the huge news, and we (Max and I) have decided to let them set the pace of giving them information. Since his Dad has reported to be no longer coping he is going to go to Cleveland too, which we think will be really good for him too. I think that Max’s Dad no longer coping is really a sign that it is starting to sink in, thus no longer denial and will be on the path of acceptance. We saw Max’s brother and sister-in-law yesterday and they are doing really well now. I think they still do not understand the changes T will bring, but they are being supportive. They also still use “she” and Max’s birth name, but they have not told their children yet so we understand. They are planning on telling them soon.

On Wednesday I went to see a psychologist for myself. We thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to talk to that it is not directly involved in the situation. A lot of my close friends have offered me to call them anytime to talk about this, and I feel really honoured to have such wonderful friends. However I do feel uncomfortable talking to friends about my relationship with Max, especially the difficult parts, as this can influence people’s perceptions of our relationship. Having a psychologist who has experience in this area should be helpful and a safe place to explore all the thoughts that run through my mind. Even though I only have had one session, and most of it was about the background story, we still got to discuss some really interesting points that I had not thought of before. We talked about having (being involved in) a relationship that is beyond gender. We do in this society get really caught up in the binary gender dichotomy. It is really interesting to think about the person you are with, not how they look, not how they present to the world, not how they dress or their mannerisms, but about their values, moral and the way the treat you. I am not dating Max because of his gender (maybe this is how we meet and it started), but I stay with him because of how he treats me, how well we work together, his view of the world and most importantly his values and morals. Also the psychologist and I talked about labels. This is something that I am struggling with time to time. After spending the last 12-13 years identifying as a lesbian, I wonder if I can continue to do this - probably not. Max and I will not be able to attend lesbian events together, not that we have for awhile. I could identify as queer, but that label just seems too broad for me. When I listen to the gay radio station they talk about the GLBTI community and I wonder which letter is for me? There is no letter or label for someone who is dating a transguy. After speaking to the psychologist I feel comfortable with I identify as ‘with Max’ than any particular label.

Hairy Knees

Max has been on 250 Sustanon for nearly 2 weeks and he has not crashed like he use to on 100, which is such a relief for both of us. I have to admit but last weekend (12th and 13th of June) was really tough for both of us. I have tried very hard to be the supportive partner. I am considerate, responsive, loving and measured in my responses. However I may have taken it a bit too far, at the expense of my own needs. I finally crack. I realised that my needs were not being met and that I had to tell him about it. I felt so torn, I am so protective of his feelings, as I realise he is going through a lot, but at the same time I had nothing left to give as I was not looking after myself. I had to tell him. I sat him down on Saturday morning and told him that I was struggling. It was a very intense conversation, but it was needed. Max has a habit on catastrophising and I normally just try to help him through his feelings, however I finally stood up to these ‘fearing the worst’ thoughts, by saying that it was me that we have to focus on for a while. He listened. But the best thing that he has done the last week is act on it. He has been there for me, he has been more considerate of me, and has become less involved in his own world to include me. I think being on the 250 and speaking to his Mum on Wednesday (yes, he spoke to his Mum and it was a good conversation. She is really doing quite well but more on that later) has helped his mood immensely.
Other changes on the higher T dose include deeper voice, to the point that when he answers the phone with just a “hello” I don’t register that it is him until he speaks a little more. I have actually asked him to answer the phone with “hi, baby” so I know it is him and not a friend or work colleague. Also we noticed the other day that he now has hairy knees.

Telling his Parents – A Rundown of the Last Week

02/06/10
We sent off the email to his parents to tell them about Max’s transition. We have done it this way for a couple of reasons. Firstly they live overseas, and secondly we do not want to deal with their initial reaction. They actually called later that night. We did not answer the phone but let it go to message bank as we were not sure about their initial reaction (and we did predict a bad one). We listened to the message that his Dad left and we were both so shocked. His Dad said that they had received the email and that his Mum is too upset to talk. He stated that they had three ways in which they could react to the news. He could 1) reject the news and reject his daughter, 2) embrace it or 3) accept it. He stated that he is by no means close to embracing it, but that they will try very hard to accept it. He went on to say that he loves his daughter. We thought it a very positive response, especially since we were waiting for a negative one.

04/06/10
Max’s parents reported that they are not ready to speak to him yet, but will be in contact via emails. They are seeing Max’s brother on the weekend, so it will give them a chance to talk to them about it and give support to each other.

09/06/10
Max has still not spoken to them and he is getting a little worried. Max got messages on Facebook from his cousin and aunty wishing him well and giving their support. Max was quite shocked, as his parents have not spoken to him about it yet, but have spoken to extend family about it. I did think it was a bit weird too, however looking at it from an outsider’s perspective; they are probably testing the language and people’s reaction before they speak to Max. I think this is good, as I think they don’t want to say or behave the wrong way.

10/06/10
Max received his first contact from his Mum (via email) today (she is still not ready to talk), which was a huge relief for him as he had not heard from her since he sent the email the Wednesday last week. His Mum’s email was very insightful, in which she reported that she is upset and doesn’t know why (probably grief). Also, she stated that she understands what [Max] has had to put up with during [his] life and why [he] is going down this path. Max also earlier in the week sent them some articles to read that we got from his psychologist, so hopefully that will help and we can start some dialogue soon when they are both ready to talk. Overall, I think it has been a positive initial response however we have to be aware that there will probably be bumps in the road.

Moods, Moods, Moods

05/06/10

Max and I both have been struggling with his moods. He is currently on 100 Sustanon fortnightly, and for the last 4-6 days of the cycle his mood is very bad. He becomes very socially withdrawn, irritable, depressed and generally unpleasant to be around. Max does have insight into these moods, but has very limited control over it. When he has had his shot he is the opposite - upbeat, happy mood, chatty and so on. It is a real Jekyll and Hyde situation. I am struggling with this, as these up and down moods are so new to me. In the 2 years that we have been together our relationship has been very stable. We hardly fight/disagree (pre T probably less than 5 times), we can predict each other’s behaviours which leads to a very smooth running relationship. However since he started T, we have had a few fights/disagreements (in the last 2 months probably as many as we had in the first 2 years), and I (and Max) cannot predict his behaviour. At times I have to be measured in what I say and how I say it. I do have to state, that having to tell his parents soon, is also contributing to his mood. Max is extremely apologetic to me about his behaviour, and I understand that he has no control over this. We cannot wait until he starts 250 Sustanon as the mood cycles are suppose to become stable. Fingers crossed.

Update: Max started 250 on the 9th of June – Thank Goodness.

Meeting the Community

Max has been quite a bit down on himself about being trans. I think there are two main reasons behind this; 1) we know some transguys that are not the prefect role models, and 2) he feels that his parents will have a really hard time with accepting his transexualism and he has projected this onto himself. I felt that I really had to help introduce him to some really normal, down to earth, positive role model transguys to help him feel better about himself.
When I joined a Gender Centre working group, I met some really awesome transguys. I set up for Max to meet Xander and for me to meet Xander's partner Tara. I, myself are really keen to befriend partner's of transguys. We meet up with Xander and Tara, and had a lovely chat getting to know each other. They mentioned that the next night there was a party to raise money for another guy's chest surgery. We went along and met some more wonderful people. I believe it was a really good experience for Max, as he was able to realise there is nothing weird about being trans. We meet lawyers, teachers, community workers, postgraduate university students. Furthermore, they were in steady relationships (and I thought all the partners were wonderful and interesting people, that I would like to get to know more). They were just a normal bunch of people have a wonderful night. Max reported that the last two nights were a really positive experience for him and will help him deal with his transexualism.

Clothes Shopping plus Body/Gender Dysphoria does not equal Happiness

Max’s body shape is changing quite a bit, and a lot of his clothes are not fitting him so well anymore. He did not want to go shopping until he was happy with his body, but he was running out of things to wear - so he had to suck it up and go shopping. We were in the city after work on a Wednesday night, and before meeting up with some new friends.
Now, some background might be in order. Max did not like clothes shopping before starting his transition. He especially dislikes shop assistance who try to talk to him and offer assistance. We had a really good pattern down, we would walk in and I would start a mundane conversation with the shop assistant to distract them, while Max would look at clothes. This worked quite well.
We went into a big department store, because usually there are less shop assistants to deal with, but for some reason they were everywhere. We were looking at knitted vests and jumpers for the winter weather. Max was a bit ‘touchy’ as soon as we walked in. I was asking what he was interested in buying and he replied “Wool vests, not cotton. Cotton is too clingy”. The touchiness escalated as we couldn’t fine pure wool vests or that the vests were to thin or small. Max kept saying “I cannot wear clingy clothes, people will notice I have breasts.” This is the point where a shop assistant came up to ask us if we need any help. Max cracked it, and muttered under his breath about helping hide his ‘chesticles’ (what he now calls his breasts). I quickly stepped in and ushered the shop assistant away. We finally found some wool vests and jumpers (and they were on sale too), and Max assisted on getting the biggest size he could manage to wear. This is when it dawned on me – clothes’s shopping is not fun when you have body/gender dysphoria and if we can avoid it as much as possible it would be a good thing.
One super important thing that I have learnt about coping with Max’s transition is to not take any of the moodiness personally and to be there for him when he is not coping well. This has helped me be there for him when things are really difficult for him instead of becoming an extra element to the issue.

Told my Dad

Life is busy and I have meant to post earlier, but it just didn't happen. Well two weeks ago I meet up with my Dad to tell him about Max's transition. I was really nervous about telling him. I actually nervous about telling anybody, as I don't want to deal with a negative reaction. I have noticed that you try to predict how people will respond, however it is really hard to predict how people will react to your partner changing their gender, as it is really uncommon. In regards to Dad, I thought that he could go either of two ways. He could think it is just too queer and weird, and not cope at all. Or he could be very supportive as we have noticed that he treats Max like a man anyway. Actually the last time dad came to visit, Max and him talked about fixing the bedroom door and buying men's clothes.
I waited until it was dessert time to tell Dad, so if it goes wrong then we can escape from each other quickly. I started the conversation the same as I did with Mum. Dad listened well, his eyes were wide open and he was taking everything in. When I got up to the part of the story about Max taking his middle name, this is when Dad started to smile. Dad had recently changed his name to his middle name, as he did not like his birth name. Dad responded that he was really glad that Max is having the courage to live his life his way. He next stated that he has always treated Max like a man, which I replied we (Max and I) are grateful for. I was so relieved that Dad had taked it so well. Even during the conversation he started using Max's new name. I was not worried that Dad kept using female pronouns, as I told him when the T starts making more changes, the pronoun change will come more naturally. At the end of the dinner Dad told me to go home and tell Max that he is proud that Max has the courage to be honest and active to live [his] life [his] way. I am very impressed with my family's reactions, they have been and are FANTASTIC.

We are still gearing up to tell Max's parents. Max has written his final draft (it took a few as it is such an important letter) and his ready to send it soon. I guess I should say that we are telling his parents through a letter for a few reasons.
1) His parents live overseas and they won't be back in Australia until September (and a lot of changes will have occured by then).
2) It is actually recommended to tell parents by letter as they have a chance to absorb the news before reacting, and
3) We don't want to be present for the first reaction, as this could ruin relationships.
We realised after telling Max's brother that it is not always the best thing to be there for the initial reaction, as emotions can escalate and reaction can change as the information is absorbed and processed (Max's brother is much better about the whole thing). We are still very nervous about telling them, but I think it will be good to get it over with and deal with their reactions as they occur rather then trying to anticipate their reactions.

An observation

I know I had a post a couple of months ago about starting a new job and if I should come out or not. Well at home we are using male pronouns and his new name, so I just continued this at work. I have only been there for a few weeks and coversations about personal life only have just started. I noticed a really interesting observation. In the past people often assume that I am straight (as I am very feminine looking), and I correct them as soon as they ask about my boyfriend/husband. I then, generally, get a funny look; awkwardness, questions about being gay or statements about not looking gay. I am pretty much use to this. However, at work they asked me about where I live and what my partner does and I just answered the questions. I used his name and male pronouns. I got no weird looks, no awkward pauses, and no questions about my sexuality. I felt normal. The thing about this observation is that I realise that even though gay people are becoming more accepted, we, as a society, still have a long way to go. I believe wholeheartedly that we need equal rights and gay marriage. It is funny to think after being a lesbian since the age of 18 (I'm now 30), that if my partner changes their gender, then we can actually get legally married. But if he did not, we could not, even though it is the same love and we are still the same people. I have also recently found out that our government (Australia) makes people divorce if one them undergoes sexual reassignment, so that they cannot be in a same sex marriage.
I do have to say that it felt NICE to feel normal and I hope that gay and queer relationships are seen as normal (or at least not weird) in the generaly community soon, and I believe that legalising gay marriage would help this.

Update on brother and physical changes

We went to the nephew's 11th birthday party yesterday (David and Susan's son), Max reported beforehand that he was a little nervous about going. He was worried about being introduced as Jennifer and as David's sister. We have not actually seen David since we told them (Max did see Susan last week and that went well). The party was at on of those laser gun tag things (and we had a great time shooting kids!). Since the party was at this kind of place there were no parents, so no introduction occurred which was great. However the best thing was that David and Susan were just normal. Nothing was mentioned and no one acted weird. We are happy with this outcome. We know that when the changes are more obvious things might change a bit, but the more David and Susan act normal the better we think things will go.

So an update on the changes, I think I should mention. It has been 6 weeks since Max started T. The main changes include muscle growth and fat redistribution (we have been taking fortnightly measurements), acne (Max has to use Proactive twice a day to keep on top of it, and he says his face still hurts), facial hair (minor but noticeable to touch around the side burn area), voice (a bit up and down, but not too noticeable yet), moodiness. The moodiness has been quite hard to deal with at times. Last weekend was the worst that we had gone through, but we did get though it fine. We just have to keep communicating to each other and allow the moods to come and go, because you cannot control them. Overall, Max is really enjoying the changes.

He told his brother

On Sunday we went over to David and Susan's house (brother and sister in law), all with the intent of telling them. We were very nervous as we were unsure as to what the reaction would be and we do not want to cause family issues. We enjoy their company and seeing their two children (ages 7 and 10 years). Max did not get off to a flying start, and it all come out a bit muddled (due to nerves). With permission I jumped in to finish the story and explain the situation. David started physically shaking straight away and we could see the reaction of coming out was having on him. He started saying some pretty inappropriate things such as "If you see a heart doctor then you have a heart problem, if you see a gender specialist then you have a gender problem". Susan on the other hand was much better. She acknowledged that Max has always been very butch. We talked for about an hour and there were some full on moments, but it ended okay with some hugs. The conversation did flip around from total lack of understanding "you will always be Jennifer" to "you have our support." We (Max and I) are still unsure as to how it will all play out. Much of the difficult part of the conversation was about telling the parents. They did make comments about that we could not tell the parents at all, to telling the parents for us. We are worried that whatever the reaction from the parents will be, this will impact of how well David and Susan cope with it. We do assume that the parental reaction will be negative and that this will influence David (we do acknowledge that he will be in the middle of this, and that we understand it is a horrible position) and turn a mediocre reaction into a negative one too.)

We have had such positive experiences with coming out to our friends and my family that I think we forgot that negative reaction can occur. Youtube shows us that coming out to parents is generally a negative reaction.

The fallout to this conversation his Max on Monday. He looked miserable and I asked him (just before leaving to go to work) if he was okay. He replied that may be he should stop [this treatment]. I was totally shocked by this comment, and due to having to go to work we could not talk about it. I became very upset as I felt that I just did not know what has going on and how miserable he looked. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and knew that we both needed to see the psychologist. We called Vikki and arranged a time to see her, and we ended up seeing her yesterday. By this time we had some distance from the conversation with David and Susan and felt a bit better. Max totally knows that transition is the thing he really needs to do for his life (and sanity) and that he can no longer live the way otehr people prefer. We also know telling the parents is going to be hard and that this will probably go on for years, if they don't cut us out completely.

I never thought I would find myself dating a bald man

The changes are starting to occur, and the process has been slow, which I like. However for Max he would like the changes to occur at a faster rate. I have noticed that he is constantly scanning his body for changes. Pointing out pimples, facial hairs, muscles etc. some of these I don't really see. However I am excited for him. Max is currently on Sustanon 100ml one per fortnight. Well he had two this way, until yesterday when he went to see his GP. He asled his GP for another injection (which he got - so it has been 3 weeks and 2 days with 3 shots) because he felt that the effects were wearing off too quickly. I have to admit that he was moody when his T levels were dropping. Mas has just told me (and his voice is dropping) that he will now have an injection every 8 days or so (when he feels the T dropping and mood swings kicking in), until he moves on to the Sustanon 250mg, which will be his maintenance level. Max told me that they move you to a higher dose or more frequently once you start complaining about mood swings. The mood swings are not fun. Max's moods are more of a high to low rather than being angry or aggressive.

As we were lying in bed last night, I did notive that his hair line has started to change a little. I ended up bursting into laughter as I have the thought "I never thought I would find myself dating a bald man". (On his mother's side there is male pattern baldness). I have realised that I just have to see the funny side of these changes sometime, but it also highlights that it is not just Max that is changing but also my perception of what the future held for me. We all project ourselves into the future; we have plans, goals and dreams. And I have to say, I never saw myself with a bald man. There will have to be some adjustment and I am not sure how to do it. I am just trying not to get too ahead of myself.

Overview of the last two weeks

It will be Max's second T shot tomorrow, so I thought I would write a post about the last two weeks. The effects of T have been mild, as it was only the first shot, but they will still noticable. The effects that we notice were; increased sweating, higher body temperature, some pimples, oilier skin, some fat re-distribution, increased strength and muscle growth (I notive when I hug him he feels harder, which I actually fine quite pleasant!), increased energy, increased sex drive, happier mood (but with some moodiness that resulted in some tears) and some voice changes with a sore throat. As it draws nearer to the second shot (one every 2 weeks), Max reported that he could feel some of the effects wearing off. His voice was back to before T, as was his energy levels and sex drive. The other thing I should note it that, some of the changes may not be directly linked to the T, but the decrease of his low mood could be making an impact. Either way I have been so relieved that he is feeling happier about himself.

Also during the last two weeks, we have both been coming out to a lot more people. The great thing is that we have had not one negative response, overtly or covertly. I am so grateful for the wonderful friends we have. They are our chosen family. We predict, however, that there will be a few negative reponses. One being his family and another friend of Max's who has strong feelings about transitiong. It is such a shame that people can have a hard time with this. I understand that people might not understand transitioning, but there is no need to take it personally or get angry about it. If you know Max, you should not be really surprise about this news. Actually, when we have told people no one has been surprise, and we have had comments such as "I thought that might be on the cards" and "I am not surprised".

The hardest thing for us to have coped with this last two weeks would be gearing up for Max to tell his parents. I guess you just never know how people will react and that causes anxiety. As I said before, there has been some moodiness and it may have to do with the T, but I also feel that the stress of telling this parents have contributed to it.

Thanks to everyone for the love and support.

Told my Mum

Max and I drove down to see my Mum yesterday to get her internet organised for her. We had planned that we would tell her today, so I had with me a fact sheet from the NSW Gender Centre entitled "the transsexual person in your life". It is very well written fact sheet explaining terminology, hypothesised caues and website/resources, thus we thought it would be a great starting point for her.

We started the conversation with "You know how butch Jen is ..." and went from there. I felt so nervous, but Mum was SO GOOD. She did not even bat an eyelid. She sat and listened, then told us that she has a friend Sarah who use to be a man. She din't really ask many questions, but it is still early days. We told her about what the changes will be in regards to taking T and having surgery (we did not go into detail about surgery as we did not want ot overwhelm her). We also told her that we have already changed pronouns and that Max has officially changed his name. She picked it up immediately, though she did say that she might forget from time to time. We told her that, we make mistakes too about it, and that we would never jump down someone's throat for this, if it is by accident. We spoke about telling my Dad and how he might reaction and also our nervousness of telling Max's parents. Mum gave her support and love. We could not have hoped for it to have gone any better. She texted me later that night saying "Hi S and Max, just read your paper. Quite interesting! You absolutely have my support. Love Mum".

My Mum is wonderful!

T - has started

23/03
We went and saw his GP this morning together. I wanted to go because Max has a way of reducing his story so he does not have to burden his GP (bit weird I know, but he is a sensitive soul). We told his GP how bad his depression was and how we don't have an appointment with the psychiatrist (or that we don't even know when we might get one). Max's GP was actually quite shocked that we did not even have an appointment booked (Max stated later that his GP is not shocked often). His GP said is was no point changing his antidepressants and that maybe the thing to do was to start T. So we went through the Informed Consent Method and got a script for T there and then. We were actually quite surprised, as we were not expecting it so soon and did not know if the GP would do Informed Consent. Max's GP offered to do the injection later the same day after Max gets the script filled. As soon as this was offered, Max was starting to smile.

I had to go to work, so Max got his script filled, went back and got his first shot of T. When I got home he was listening to music, doing the ironing and SMILING. It was so great to see. It feels like a weight has been lifted off. I know that we have challenges ahead, but it is good to finially start. We decided to watch some more YouTube videos on the first 4 weeks of testosterone. We did notice that Max was clearing his throat a bit, and he reported that it was a bit sore.

24/03
Last night Max slept poorly. He was unwell due to eating something that did not agree with him, but also he was really hungry (which is not like him especially in the middle of the night). He also felt a little more hot than usual in bed. During the day, today, he noticed that he is sweating more. He better shower every day! I am really quite amazed at how quick some things have occurred.

Depression

22/03/10
The depression that Max is experiencing, to my observations, is becoming very heavy and burdensome. He has not attended work since last Tuesday (he has taken Wednesday to Friday off). He went to work today, however he rang me at 8.30 in the morning stating that he just cannot cope anymore. We decided that the best thing for him was to speak to his supervisor and try to get some work he can do from home for the next few days. Max ran me at 10am to say that he was able to do home, which was great. However, his symptoms of depression are getting worse. He is not sleeping well, and his appetite has decreased (even missing meals). he is not participating as much as usual in the household chores, and I need to gently encourage him, which I usually don't need to do. His body dysphoria is getting worse. His self care has decreased; I have had to remind him to continue to shave and he has been wearing dirty jeans for the last week or two (when not at work)). I knew low mood would be part of this, but I did not think it would get so bad so quick. We decided that he needs to see his GP and talk about how he has not gotten an appointment yet with the psychiatrist and how bad his depression is. Also I should say, Max is already on antidepressants and has been for the past few months. When he originally got depressed he started the antidepressants and started to feel better, then he came out as trans and then the depression worsened (due to the wait), even with continuing on the tablets. Max was talking about taking a few weeks off work because of how bad his depression is getting.

I have also noticed that my mood has decreased, well may be more likely it is that I am not coping as well as as I use to with normal day to day stressors. We actually had a bit of a clash this morning, which is really rare for us. It was minor but I felt very low about it. I just keep thinking that this wait, coupled with Max's depression is going to go on for months, and I don't know if I can cope for that long with no answers or movement. I am a planner, an organiser and this I cannot organise. Max is having a bad time waiting too (more so than me I bet). Also having this wait makes it difficult for Max to plan when to tell his parents. He seems that he is stewing in the thoughts of rejection from his family and that this stewing might last until July or August. We have been told that T might not start until then. I would like to tell everyone and just get it over with. I know it will be hard, but it will be hard no matter when we tell them.

Waiting and getting ready to tell more people

So there is not much to report as we are playing the waiting game. My only struggle at the moment, is the changing between male and female pronouns for certain people and situations. We have not told everyone yet, but we are getting there. We prefer to tell people face to face (when possible - they live in the same state). I have not yet told my mum and I plan to tell her next time I see her. I'm close to my mum and speak to her a few times per week, and because we have not said anything yet I have to use female pronouns and Max's old name. I have to really concentrate to not slip up. I have actually noticed that using female pronouns for Max feels weird, much more so then when I first started using male pronouns. Male pronouns just seem more correct, more natural. We will be starting to tell more friends and close family soon. I always feel nervous before I tell someone, as I cannot predict what the reaction will be. So far it has all been positive, but then again we have old told our closest friends (who know us and are not surprised with Max's decision. I am still waiting for the first negative reaction and I guess it will come sooner or later.

Also last week I went for an interview to be part of the working group for the Zoe Belle Gender Centre (ZBGC). I was invited a couple of months ago to apply. The interview went really well and I believe that I have some things to offer the ZBGC such as my research skills (and access to a major university's resources), my communication skills (I run workshops and tutorials) and I can give the partner perspective on things. I'll find out in a few weeks time if I have been accepted.

Lack of services (and the long wait)

We saw Max's GP on Tuesday to get the referral to the psychiatrist today to start the first move towards getting T for Max. We have decided to go privately, as the wait to go through the gender clinic is too unknown. Max's GP (who has a few tranmen patients) said that he has patients currently, who have written the required essay to the gender clinic and that have been waiting moths to even hear a response. We also found out that there is only one endocrinologist in Victoria working with FTMs (and his bed side manner is questionable) and one surger that does top surgery (breast tissue removal and chest reconstruction). Well we did get the referral to the psychiatrist privately. This psychiatrist is the current director of the Melbourne Gender Centre Clinic. As soon as we got to the car we rang up to get an appointment, as Max is really wanting to start the transition. Unfortunately the secretary said that his book were CLOSED as was not taking on any more patients. Max had not said what the referral was about and the secretary was telling Max to see another psychiatrist. I kept trying to get Max's attention so I could tell him what to say, because I know that we cannot just go and see any other psychiatrist. I was able to get his attention and aks the secretaty to hold. I tild him that he needs to say it is about gender issues. Finally the secretary realised and said that she will talk to the psychiatist and call us back tomorrow. This phone call actually upset us quite a bit. How can there be only ONE psychiatrist in Victoria that is the 'gate keeper' to T and not have any appointments available for people with gender issues? Many people with other needs can see a variety of psychiatrists, but people trying to correct their gender don't even have access to the only ONE. We are also amazed that there is only ONE endo and ONE surgeon too, to treat FTMs in Victoria - surely there is a greater need? Also the need can be quite urgent. So here we are sitting in the car and not having a clue when we get to see someone who can help.

One thing that we did have that day to look forward to was that Max was going to Births, Deaths and Marriages to officially change his name. I was really thrilled that he picked his middle name to be Butch. On Friday he picked up his new birth certificate and his new name is now official.

On Wednesday the psychiatrist did not actually ring back. Max had too. The psychiatrist told Max that he will not be able to have an appointment to eatly May. Max asked if there was another one that he could see, and the psychiatrist replied that there was another one, but that this psychiatrist would need the firts one's second opinion any way. Max did get the other one's number and called him up. The second psychiatrist did not have an appointment until the end of April and he re-enforced that Max would have to see the first one too. Max decided just to wait tuntil May. This is really frustrating. We knew that we would have to eait for a few weeks to see the psychiatrist and then have a few sessions before a script for T is given, we just did not anticipate a few months wait for this. This kind of blew out time line out. not that we have worked one out, but we were getting ready to tell more people including family. At least it has given us more time before we have to tell family so we can think about it more.

Due to the suicide rates for trans* being 47 times higher than the average rate, I really thought that there would be more services avaiable and a shorter wait time. I really thought that if were THE (ONLY) psychiatrist in Victoria that diagnosed and treated trans* that you would put away a slot (15 to 30 minutes) per week or fortnight away for these cases, as they are generally urgent by the time the person has realised that they are trans* and need to see/speak to a psychiatrist (the gate keeper to the services). It would be the responsible thing to do. It is not like the psychiatrist (during the private practice days) could afford to blank out one 15 minute appointment slot once a fortnight!

Coming out as a partner of a FTM at a new job - some thoughts

I'm just about to start a new job and I have always come out as a lesbian (since I was 18 years old), quite easily and I have never felt uncomfortable with coming out. But with Max transitioning, I don't know if I should come out as a lesbian and then correct them in a few months time? Or if I should just try now and just pretend to be straight? Or do I say I'm queer and explain the whole FTM thing? Is this too full on for a new job, at the start to tell people? I just have so many questions running through my head and I am just not sure what I should say or do? This is something I really need to think about as I have orientation today and I start the job in 2 weeks.

It is a lot easier to come out as a lesbian. People know it, people get the idea. But to say that your partner is trans, especially about the connation of what a 'trannie' is - male to female - is what people generally think about. I asked some colleagues at my other job, who don't know my private life, what does trans mean to you, what does transgender mean, what does transexual mean? (in the context of a new research area). There replies were about men cross dressing, doing drag, drag queens and gay men. Many people do not know that a transexual can be female to male or a transguy/transman. So do I have to explain it all? I don't mind educating people. It is just that I don't want to put people off at the start of a new job, especially when my job is about being someone that people can talk to about their emotions and thoughts. So ... I guess I might just go with the flow and see what feels right.

Grooming - can he do it

Well I have not written a journal entry for a couple of weeks, since we saw the psychologist together. I believe that things have come down a lot after the initial processing of Max contemplating transitioning. We chat about it from time to time, but without the intensity of the first week or two. We continue to read our books and search the net. I was able to find some academic articles about partners of FTMs which I am yet to read, but I am glad that they do exist (though very few in number). We feel that this process of making the decision, even if it happens or not, it has brought us closer. We have shared so much, and a lot of it we have never shared with anyone before.

On the weekend of the 6th and 7th of February, Max started to shave. As I have stated before, this is something that he has always wanted to do. So we went out and bought all the materials. I have never really looked into male skin care and shaving before, and I am amazed how many products there are. Anyway we bought the cheap razors, as who needs to have a razor with 4 or 5 blades on it ... talk about razor burn! Also this weekend was Pride March, the last day of the Midsumma carnival. My mum came a long for the first time. She had a great time and I was so proud of her for coming. All my friends enjoyed her being there and showing/explaining the floats to her. I believe that my mum will be okay with Max transitioning and I think she may be able to help us when we need to talk to Max's parents and my dad.

My biggest worry with Max transitioning is the amount of grooming he will need to do once he has started T. He has admitted that he has got a little lazy with his nighttime showers. He tends to shower every 2 (sometimes even third, but don't tell anyone) day. Also he does not really look after his skin, such as moisturising. I know that with starting T, acne is a big problem for some. So if this happens he will need to SHOWER EVERYDAY and exfoliate and moisturise. Also he will have to shave regularly as I do not think I will adjust to well to facial hair when kissing him. So to ease my anxiety he has been shaving every three to four days and showering every day to prove to me that he can do it. I did notice when he was kissing me yesterday that I could feel some tiny pinprick hairs. It did not bother me at all, but I assume that the hairs will be totally different when he is on T.

It has started - we meet our first health professional.

05/02/10

We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).

My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.

Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.

waiting to see the psychologist

03/02/10

Today is the day that I started this blog. Max and I thought it was a good idea as there is nothing really out there for partners. I know this is only a start but it is at least one. Maybe one day I might write a book, but that is jumping a bit a head of myself. What we also did today was to use my make-up to put 'facial hair' on Max to see what it might look like. I started with the side burns, which I know he is totally looking forward to having. The I went down the jaw line and made a mo and goatee. We took photos before and after. We were surprised that his face looked skinner and more definded with the facial hair. He really like it. I was thinking that it is more hair than I want on him. I like the sideburns, but hair around the mouth I think will bother me when we kiss. And we kiss a lot!

We did not talk much about the transition today as we have been. I think we have discussed so much about it, that we are getting use to it and coming to terms with it. We are both eager to see the psychologist. I can feel the weight of the wait.

A funny thing on Facebook this week was for people to post their famous person Doppelganger. Max posted a picture of Matt Damon. He really does have a resemblance to Matt Damon and many people commented that too.

04/02/10.

I finished the book S/he. It is not really a book about being a partner of someone who is trans*, but it is at the same time. It is a lot of stories about her life and I really enjoyed her writing style.

The psychologist session is tomorrow.

We communicate so well

02/02/10

We watched more YouTube last night together. We realised that T can start to take effect pretty quickly. Some FTMs on YouTube had noticeable changes in the 2-4 months range. This means that Max's family will need regular contact so they are not shocked at the changes. This makes it a bit hard as his parents live overseas.

I read the letter that Max penned to his parents. It made me cry and I so hope that his parents are supportive and do not disown him. There are some great letter templates on the Transitional Male website and the FTM Australia website that help tell your family, boss and co-workers about the transition. Max used a template mixed with his own experience.

We talked about the possibility that Max will talk less after he transitions due to the reduced emotionality that me occur with T. This is something that I am worried about as I love this aspect of our relationship. We agreed that I already have the past experience (all my best friends have been males - queer and straight) so I am use to 'warming' guys up to speak. I also have the skills. Max does not speak much in social situations and I fill in the gap well. Also when he comes home I give him the chance to warm up and start talking. I feel better already after this conversation. We communicate so well.

I read my journal (now this blog) so far to him today and I made him cry. We then joked about getting it (the crying) all out now, before the T. We also spoke about how close he is already to being perceived as a male. He already passes nearly all the time (even without trying). he has masculine hobbies, masculine body and features (i.e., strong jaw, wide shoulders, big muscles), masculine clotheing style and a strong masculine way of operating in this world. He is already there; he just needs a little more. I don't think he will change that much more. If he wore a dress now (pre-T, pre-op), he would look like he is in drag.

Thanks YouTube

01/02/10

I watched YouTube videos today, one was called the "Best and worst of dating a FTM", which I don't think really mentioned anything negative except for people's reactions. I have learnt in life that you cannot control other people so I don't try, people can have their reactions, I don't have to have their's.

I watched many videos on the changes FTMs, transguys, genderqueers, transmasculines go through being on T. It is such a great resource having YouTube. I use to watch YouTube videos of FTMs before I even met Max. I guess this was due in part to my attraction of them. It feels weird to admit I have this attraction. It is so judged in our society, both gay and straight. I have had a hard time in the lesbian community being judged for being too femme, and dating women who are too butch.

I have a fantasy of jumping a head a year and seeing what Max will be like, so I will be able to say "yep I am happy with this for certain". However we don't have that luxury. We just cannot see into the future. On the other hand, I am glad that the changes will be gradual.

We have decided not to change his name and pronouns in public until he starts T. We haven't made the decision yet and what to keep in to us and a few close friends.

I feel some anxiety again today. I think it is about when it will occur. I feel a sense of urgency, and I think this may have to do with that, I want to know how the T will change his appearance and mood. I am not at all concerned about top surgery. I am actually all for it and have been for a long time. I know he hates his "lumps", as he puts it. The changes on T are what concern me more.

We're still queer

31/01/10

We told one of my closest friends and his girlfriend today. Travis and Christine were very supportive and understanding, especially for non-queer people and that they have never come across this before. So far no-one has questioned if I will or how I will stay with Max, which is fantastic. My answer, anyway, is because I love him. Christine did ask how we as lesbians would then identify. This is a great question and one that has plagued my head. The answer in a nutshell is QUEER. I will still be Femme and Max with still be Butch.

I feel so close to Max now, as he has let me in a little closer. Our relationship is just so strong and just seems to get better and better. I cannot imagine my life without him.

It feels weird chaning pronouns; I get a sense of excitement mixed with some apprehension. I am really looking forward to the confidence I believe will increase in Max and that the body dysphoria will lessen. However I worry about the reactions from others and the influence it may have on our relationship.

I am half way through the book S/he

Changing pronouns at home

30/01/10

We thought that changing pronouns at home might be a good idea to try things. We both recalled that when I spoke to the psychologist and referred to "Jen" and "she", it felt wrong. Weird, that if felt wrong so quickly.

Max (Jen) and I have friends Aaron and Anabelle, who are a transguy and femme. We met them through the ButchFemmeTrans group about a year ago. We have been inviting them over for dinner for the past 3 months, but both of us have been so busy. We have finally set a date and we also told them about hte idea of transitioning. we have had to tell the people that we have told to keep it to themselves at the moment for 2 reasons. 1) We are still currently at the stage of making the decision to go through with it or not, 2) We don't want it to spread through the lesbian/queer community, we would like to be the ones that tell people.

Today, while we were talking about it again, for the first time we started to use humour. We started having some fun and laughing. Mostly at 'going though puberty stuff, such as the voice breaking'. Also as Max is only showering every 2 days, he will have to shower more as his smell will change. I also found out today, which I never knew before, was that Max has always wanted to shave. And he will have to. I am no experience of kissing anyone with facial hair, and I don't think I will like it too much. I know plenty of straight women who do not like kissing their partners when they have grown a mo for Movember.

The anxiety I am feeling today is about, will it happen. I just feel like I need to know, but I don't know why I have this need. I asked Max how likely he thinks it will go ahead. His reply was that he is 80% sure the transition will occur.

Max is very excited about gettting his gym/work out area organised in the bungalow. We had planned that it would be his space (called it the Butch Bungalow) when we moved in 3 months ago. Today we went shopping and he bought weights and a press table. He has already started working out. He wants to loss the subcut fat before he starts T.

More research = less anxiety

29/01/10

I was at work again today, and I was just so glad that it is Friday. Again I could not stop thinking about it and looking things up on the internet. I have noticed that the more I read the better I feel. There are just so many myths and misconceptions about transitioning. The two best website resources I have come across are FTM Australia and Hudson's FTM Resource Guide they helped sort out so many of the myths, misconceptions and give so much practical information and resources.

We decided to tell John and Judy, when we saw them tonight, about Jen considering transitioning. They were the first people we told, and they were fantastic in their reaction, which was such a relief. They stated that they are not surprised at Jen's coming out. They even helped us to get excited about it, which had not yet happened to us at this stage. John mentioned that Jen could then do the the gay men leather bars with him, which Jen got very excited about. Jen has a lot of interest in the Leather scence, and being a leather dyke excludes you from so many men's bar. It is funny to think that when you transition, so many doors open that were closed before. But I guess many doors will close that were once open too.

Today we spoke heaps more about it. I guess we have both done more research and have processed more by now; we could talk to each other about it. I noticed that my anxiety has lessened. I 'came out' as attracted to transmen or as I prefer to put it 'queer masculinity'. Jen helped me to come out with this. She told me she knew. I just didn't want to realise for myself. It seems a bit weird to be attraced to transmen or queer masculinity. But as I come to terms with in, it makes sense. I remember having attractions to gay men over the years and butch dykes (of course). This is why I say 'queer masculinity'.

We spoke to the psychologist today and we have an appointment set up for Friday week. We both feel relieved that we don't have to wait too long. It feels like the cat is out of the bag, and we need to know some answers. I guess the bid one is "Will this happen, will she go through with this?"

So many question-thougths

28/01/10

Jen reported that she had a bad sleep the night before; that she took ages to fall asleep. My thoughts rolled around in my head too, but I was able to find sleep easier.

I found that I could not concentrate at work. I am distracted. There are so many thoughts in my head. Do I want this? Can I cope with this? What will my identity be? How will she change; physically, emotionally, sexually? What will my friends, family and co-workers think? Will they reject us? Will our relationship survive this? Are we still queer? Am I no longer a lesbian? Will people question me as to why I would stay with Jen? I cannot seem to answer these questions on my own. I conduct a low of research on the internet. I read about her experience; their experience of transitioning. There is very little for the partners.

I post a question of a transqueer website. I guess that this question is one of my main fears. "Did T change your personality?" I get a few replies. They all seem pretty positive, and there is no mention of any personality changes per se. Most of the replied are about some moodiness that subsides over time and less emotional reactions to things and situations (i.e., not being able to cry anymore). However that all report that confidence increases and anxiety/depression decreases. I reply back "I believe that there will be more confidence and I am looking forward to that."

Jen I spoke more today than we did yesterday, and I notive that my anxiety has started to lessen. I remember that we have been dancing around this gender issue with a long time. Through our conversations we start to answer my question-thoughts. Jen did tell me (with tears in her eyes) that if there is any 'no' from me, then it is a no go. I thanked her for her saying that . I replied so far there is no 'no'. But if one comes up, I will tell her immediately.

After work Jen came more with books for us to read. One of the books was for me, it was written by Leslie Feinberg's partner called S/he. The other books are called "From the inside out" and "Transmen and FTMs".

I'm so glad that we are both researching the hell out of this situation.

My partner told me

27/01/2010

I'm off to the local shopping centre to do some errands while Jen is at work. I have to get some yoghurt, think if we need any ingredients for dinner (we're having Thai tonight) and pick up her jacket from the alteration place. Jen always buys her clothes in the men's department. I have never known her to wear or purchase any female clothing (including underwear). Two days earler, we were at the shopping centre as I needed one of those super Chinese massages. Jen decided to buy some clothes from the major department store. I always thought she had a good dress style, and I still remember exactly what she wore on our first date nearly two years ago. I also remember the thought "How sexy, a real Butch!"

She had decided on a black casual jacket, however, as always the sleeves are too long. So the next stop was the clothing alteration place. The shop assistant when asking for contact details, did not pick up the fact that Jen was a butch woman. The shop assistant wrote Jed on the ticket. So here I was two days later with a ticket stub for Jed and I was in the chocolate shop next door. I spied a chocolate bar called a 'Yorkie', with the line "Not for girls". I just thought of Jen immediately. She is not a girl; I have never really thought of her as a girl. So therefore the chocolate bar is for her, and I bought it.

Later that night, I gave the bar to Jen. She thought it a hoot. She has always been Butch to me. Butch as in the noun, as in the gender. She said to me an hour or so later. I am thinking of transitioning. I was not surprised, but I could feel a little anxiety in me. We had a little joke about the bar, but we didn't talk too much about it. I gave her my support to explore this with her. The only decision that we made was to talk to her GP and find a psychologist that specialises in it.

We found it hard to find a psychologist that has good experience and a reputation in helping couples make this decision. I remember that last year I was invited (by Aaron - a transguy friend) to attend a workshop at the Zoe Belle Gender Centre for partners of gender variant people. The psychologist was Vikki Sinnott. Last year in August, and I guess this is the researcher in me, I googled her name. I found a peper she wrote for the DHS entitled "Best practice models for the assessment, treatment and care or transgender people and people with transsexualism: A discussion paper for Victoria (Australia)". I downloaded the paper and keep it. I gave Jen the psychologist's name.