Unprepared

November post - Sorry I have been away, life just gets in the way sometimes.

A few weeks ago, Max and I were invited to go to a gay male venue that was having an open day (all could attend including females and heterosexuals). I wanted to go, as did Max, as in the future Max has expressed an interest in going to a gay male venue just to see what it is like (not to participate as we are not in an open relationship, nor has he expressed any interest in sexual activities with men).

So Max and I went with John and Judy. About 30 minutes into our time there and a drunk 50-something gay man asked me “Does my hubby let me come to places like this?” I was so taken back that I didn’t even respond. Max ended up responding for me, and he stated “It’s fine with me”, nodding as he said it, to tell the gay guy that I am with Max. Next the gay guy shook his head and said “No, you’re with him” and pointed to John. I was totally in shock. Here I am in a gay venue being read as a fag-hag that has to ask her hubby if it is okay to come along. I was so unprepared for something like this to happen, especially in a gay venue. I ended up becoming really upset.
Later, Max and I had a disagreement that ended with the comment by Max “let’s talk about this with a psychologist”. I was a bit taken back by this comment as I felt he had something really big to tell me. I made an appointment for us to see my psychologist (as we had been to his a couple of times, and I wanted my psychologist to meet Max).

At the psychologist we discussed why I became so upset at the gay venue. It really came down to two things; 1) I do not like being read as a straight, married fag-hag, because I feel like I lose my queer identity, which goes to the second point, 2) can I out Max as a transguy so I don’t lose my queer identity. I think that the disagreement we had actually all came down to the 2nd point. I didn’t out Max at the Laird, as I thought it was not appropriate, but I wanted to ask when it was appropriate for me to do so. I guess I felt that because it is his transition, I really don’t have as much of a say. The thing is, when I am on my own (as a femme lesbian) I am invisible, however when I am with my partner (butch lesbian) then I become visible (as a lesbian). Now because Max has transitioned, we are now both invisible, or he gets read as a gay man. I think I got upset that day, as Max still was seen as queer, when I wasn’t. The session with the psychologist went really well. Max said that he is happy to be outed at some events (he know has a t-shirt that says “tranny boy”) and that it is still okay if I continue to identify as a lesbian (which I still feel a bit funny about).
I guess it is still going to take some time to get use to, and coming up is Midsumma http://www.midsumma.org.au/ and I am already thinking about how this one will be the first one, when both Max and I are invisible. At least, he has the t-shirt to wear to the big events, and I will practice not worrying about what people might think.



[I want to dedicate this post to a friend that passed away in a tragic accident. Em, I miss you so much, and I so wish that you didn’t leave us so early. You were one of my first friends I told about Max’s transition and you were so supportive and understanding. I really wish you were here to see how Max will grow into the man he was always going to be. I will miss all your emails, phone calls and visits. And I will miss our friendship. Love S]