I'm just about to start a new job and I have always come out as a lesbian (since I was 18 years old), quite easily and I have never felt uncomfortable with coming out. But with Max transitioning, I don't know if I should come out as a lesbian and then correct them in a few months time? Or if I should just try now and just pretend to be straight? Or do I say I'm queer and explain the whole FTM thing? Is this too full on for a new job, at the start to tell people? I just have so many questions running through my head and I am just not sure what I should say or do? This is something I really need to think about as I have orientation today and I start the job in 2 weeks.
It is a lot easier to come out as a lesbian. People know it, people get the idea. But to say that your partner is trans, especially about the connation of what a 'trannie' is - male to female - is what people generally think about. I asked some colleagues at my other job, who don't know my private life, what does trans mean to you, what does transgender mean, what does transexual mean? (in the context of a new research area). There replies were about men cross dressing, doing drag, drag queens and gay men. Many people do not know that a transexual can be female to male or a transguy/transman. So do I have to explain it all? I don't mind educating people. It is just that I don't want to put people off at the start of a new job, especially when my job is about being someone that people can talk to about their emotions and thoughts. So ... I guess I might just go with the flow and see what feels right.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Grooming - can he do it
Well I have not written a journal entry for a couple of weeks, since we saw the psychologist together. I believe that things have come down a lot after the initial processing of Max contemplating transitioning. We chat about it from time to time, but without the intensity of the first week or two. We continue to read our books and search the net. I was able to find some academic articles about partners of FTMs which I am yet to read, but I am glad that they do exist (though very few in number). We feel that this process of making the decision, even if it happens or not, it has brought us closer. We have shared so much, and a lot of it we have never shared with anyone before.
On the weekend of the 6th and 7th of February, Max started to shave. As I have stated before, this is something that he has always wanted to do. So we went out and bought all the materials. I have never really looked into male skin care and shaving before, and I am amazed how many products there are. Anyway we bought the cheap razors, as who needs to have a razor with 4 or 5 blades on it ... talk about razor burn! Also this weekend was Pride March, the last day of the Midsumma carnival. My mum came a long for the first time. She had a great time and I was so proud of her for coming. All my friends enjoyed her being there and showing/explaining the floats to her. I believe that my mum will be okay with Max transitioning and I think she may be able to help us when we need to talk to Max's parents and my dad.
My biggest worry with Max transitioning is the amount of grooming he will need to do once he has started T. He has admitted that he has got a little lazy with his nighttime showers. He tends to shower every 2 (sometimes even third, but don't tell anyone) day. Also he does not really look after his skin, such as moisturising. I know that with starting T, acne is a big problem for some. So if this happens he will need to SHOWER EVERYDAY and exfoliate and moisturise. Also he will have to shave regularly as I do not think I will adjust to well to facial hair when kissing him. So to ease my anxiety he has been shaving every three to four days and showering every day to prove to me that he can do it. I did notice when he was kissing me yesterday that I could feel some tiny pinprick hairs. It did not bother me at all, but I assume that the hairs will be totally different when he is on T.
On the weekend of the 6th and 7th of February, Max started to shave. As I have stated before, this is something that he has always wanted to do. So we went out and bought all the materials. I have never really looked into male skin care and shaving before, and I am amazed how many products there are. Anyway we bought the cheap razors, as who needs to have a razor with 4 or 5 blades on it ... talk about razor burn! Also this weekend was Pride March, the last day of the Midsumma carnival. My mum came a long for the first time. She had a great time and I was so proud of her for coming. All my friends enjoyed her being there and showing/explaining the floats to her. I believe that my mum will be okay with Max transitioning and I think she may be able to help us when we need to talk to Max's parents and my dad.
My biggest worry with Max transitioning is the amount of grooming he will need to do once he has started T. He has admitted that he has got a little lazy with his nighttime showers. He tends to shower every 2 (sometimes even third, but don't tell anyone) day. Also he does not really look after his skin, such as moisturising. I know that with starting T, acne is a big problem for some. So if this happens he will need to SHOWER EVERYDAY and exfoliate and moisturise. Also he will have to shave regularly as I do not think I will adjust to well to facial hair when kissing him. So to ease my anxiety he has been shaving every three to four days and showering every day to prove to me that he can do it. I did notice when he was kissing me yesterday that I could feel some tiny pinprick hairs. It did not bother me at all, but I assume that the hairs will be totally different when he is on T.
Monday, February 15, 2010
It has started - we meet our first health professional.
05/02/10
We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).
My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.
Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.
We saw the psychologist today, and we were both so nervous, but we could not put a finger on why. I thought afterwards that the anxiety might be due to the power this psychologist might have, and her ability to put a stop to this. Anyway, it all went well. She built great rapport with us very quickly. It started with Max stating that he wants a 'sanity check'. At home, we have really had the chance to believe that it will happen, and Max feels that he needs to check that he is making the right decision. Fair enough. During the session we did not get into too much depth as it was the first session. Vikki, the psychologist, was keen to understand Max's story. I contributed only a little, as this is mainly his journey, especially at this stage, the decision making stage. Max was doing majority of the talking, which is hard for him, especially on this topic. I was very impressed. Max will be seeing Vikki again for individual sessions in a fortnight time, and then for weekly sessions. I believe when it gets to the stage of taking T, I will have more to contribute, as there will be more impact on your relationship and myself. Vikki offered individual sessions for me, though I think I will only need this for some coping strategies (i.e., information, communication strategies) when Max starts T and the changes occur (i.e., less emotions, cockiness).
My homework from the psychologist was to think of the "no's" to Max's transiion. My "no's" or I would prefer to say my worries; are that the relationship will break up (and this is a worry anyway and I guess all people have this worry from time to time), or that his sexual orientation will change. We have read mixed information about changes to sexual orientation on the net, and I know that you cannot believe everything that you read. I guess this is more of a question to the professionals if this is likely. I don't think his sexual orientation from females to males will occur. He is a gold star. I think having sex may change for him in a number of ways; more confidence and comfortableness with his body, more desire (increased sex drive due to T), and increase in wanting to explore more avenues (i.e., going to male leather events). All of these I am okay with.
Vikki did note that we were talking as if the decision has been made. We replied that we are really getting into it so we can make the decision. We are allowing ourselves to truely entertain the thoughts/notions of Max transitioning. Only if you fully allow yourself to contemplate it, will you know if you want it or not.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
waiting to see the psychologist
03/02/10
Today is the day that I started this blog. Max and I thought it was a good idea as there is nothing really out there for partners. I know this is only a start but it is at least one. Maybe one day I might write a book, but that is jumping a bit a head of myself. What we also did today was to use my make-up to put 'facial hair' on Max to see what it might look like. I started with the side burns, which I know he is totally looking forward to having. The I went down the jaw line and made a mo and goatee. We took photos before and after. We were surprised that his face looked skinner and more definded with the facial hair. He really like it. I was thinking that it is more hair than I want on him. I like the sideburns, but hair around the mouth I think will bother me when we kiss. And we kiss a lot!
We did not talk much about the transition today as we have been. I think we have discussed so much about it, that we are getting use to it and coming to terms with it. We are both eager to see the psychologist. I can feel the weight of the wait.
A funny thing on Facebook this week was for people to post their famous person Doppelganger. Max posted a picture of Matt Damon. He really does have a resemblance to Matt Damon and many people commented that too.
04/02/10.
I finished the book S/he. It is not really a book about being a partner of someone who is trans*, but it is at the same time. It is a lot of stories about her life and I really enjoyed her writing style.
The psychologist session is tomorrow.
Today is the day that I started this blog. Max and I thought it was a good idea as there is nothing really out there for partners. I know this is only a start but it is at least one. Maybe one day I might write a book, but that is jumping a bit a head of myself. What we also did today was to use my make-up to put 'facial hair' on Max to see what it might look like. I started with the side burns, which I know he is totally looking forward to having. The I went down the jaw line and made a mo and goatee. We took photos before and after. We were surprised that his face looked skinner and more definded with the facial hair. He really like it. I was thinking that it is more hair than I want on him. I like the sideburns, but hair around the mouth I think will bother me when we kiss. And we kiss a lot!
We did not talk much about the transition today as we have been. I think we have discussed so much about it, that we are getting use to it and coming to terms with it. We are both eager to see the psychologist. I can feel the weight of the wait.
A funny thing on Facebook this week was for people to post their famous person Doppelganger. Max posted a picture of Matt Damon. He really does have a resemblance to Matt Damon and many people commented that too.
04/02/10.
I finished the book S/he. It is not really a book about being a partner of someone who is trans*, but it is at the same time. It is a lot of stories about her life and I really enjoyed her writing style.
The psychologist session is tomorrow.
Monday, February 8, 2010
We communicate so well
02/02/10
We watched more YouTube last night together. We realised that T can start to take effect pretty quickly. Some FTMs on YouTube had noticeable changes in the 2-4 months range. This means that Max's family will need regular contact so they are not shocked at the changes. This makes it a bit hard as his parents live overseas.
I read the letter that Max penned to his parents. It made me cry and I so hope that his parents are supportive and do not disown him. There are some great letter templates on the Transitional Male website and the FTM Australia website that help tell your family, boss and co-workers about the transition. Max used a template mixed with his own experience.
We talked about the possibility that Max will talk less after he transitions due to the reduced emotionality that me occur with T. This is something that I am worried about as I love this aspect of our relationship. We agreed that I already have the past experience (all my best friends have been males - queer and straight) so I am use to 'warming' guys up to speak. I also have the skills. Max does not speak much in social situations and I fill in the gap well. Also when he comes home I give him the chance to warm up and start talking. I feel better already after this conversation. We communicate so well.
I read my journal (now this blog) so far to him today and I made him cry. We then joked about getting it (the crying) all out now, before the T. We also spoke about how close he is already to being perceived as a male. He already passes nearly all the time (even without trying). he has masculine hobbies, masculine body and features (i.e., strong jaw, wide shoulders, big muscles), masculine clotheing style and a strong masculine way of operating in this world. He is already there; he just needs a little more. I don't think he will change that much more. If he wore a dress now (pre-T, pre-op), he would look like he is in drag.
We watched more YouTube last night together. We realised that T can start to take effect pretty quickly. Some FTMs on YouTube had noticeable changes in the 2-4 months range. This means that Max's family will need regular contact so they are not shocked at the changes. This makes it a bit hard as his parents live overseas.
I read the letter that Max penned to his parents. It made me cry and I so hope that his parents are supportive and do not disown him. There are some great letter templates on the Transitional Male website and the FTM Australia website that help tell your family, boss and co-workers about the transition. Max used a template mixed with his own experience.
We talked about the possibility that Max will talk less after he transitions due to the reduced emotionality that me occur with T. This is something that I am worried about as I love this aspect of our relationship. We agreed that I already have the past experience (all my best friends have been males - queer and straight) so I am use to 'warming' guys up to speak. I also have the skills. Max does not speak much in social situations and I fill in the gap well. Also when he comes home I give him the chance to warm up and start talking. I feel better already after this conversation. We communicate so well.
I read my journal (now this blog) so far to him today and I made him cry. We then joked about getting it (the crying) all out now, before the T. We also spoke about how close he is already to being perceived as a male. He already passes nearly all the time (even without trying). he has masculine hobbies, masculine body and features (i.e., strong jaw, wide shoulders, big muscles), masculine clotheing style and a strong masculine way of operating in this world. He is already there; he just needs a little more. I don't think he will change that much more. If he wore a dress now (pre-T, pre-op), he would look like he is in drag.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thanks YouTube
01/02/10
I watched YouTube videos today, one was called the "Best and worst of dating a FTM", which I don't think really mentioned anything negative except for people's reactions. I have learnt in life that you cannot control other people so I don't try, people can have their reactions, I don't have to have their's.
I watched many videos on the changes FTMs, transguys, genderqueers, transmasculines go through being on T. It is such a great resource having YouTube. I use to watch YouTube videos of FTMs before I even met Max. I guess this was due in part to my attraction of them. It feels weird to admit I have this attraction. It is so judged in our society, both gay and straight. I have had a hard time in the lesbian community being judged for being too femme, and dating women who are too butch.
I have a fantasy of jumping a head a year and seeing what Max will be like, so I will be able to say "yep I am happy with this for certain". However we don't have that luxury. We just cannot see into the future. On the other hand, I am glad that the changes will be gradual.
We have decided not to change his name and pronouns in public until he starts T. We haven't made the decision yet and what to keep in to us and a few close friends.
I feel some anxiety again today. I think it is about when it will occur. I feel a sense of urgency, and I think this may have to do with that, I want to know how the T will change his appearance and mood. I am not at all concerned about top surgery. I am actually all for it and have been for a long time. I know he hates his "lumps", as he puts it. The changes on T are what concern me more.
I watched YouTube videos today, one was called the "Best and worst of dating a FTM", which I don't think really mentioned anything negative except for people's reactions. I have learnt in life that you cannot control other people so I don't try, people can have their reactions, I don't have to have their's.
I watched many videos on the changes FTMs, transguys, genderqueers, transmasculines go through being on T. It is such a great resource having YouTube. I use to watch YouTube videos of FTMs before I even met Max. I guess this was due in part to my attraction of them. It feels weird to admit I have this attraction. It is so judged in our society, both gay and straight. I have had a hard time in the lesbian community being judged for being too femme, and dating women who are too butch.
I have a fantasy of jumping a head a year and seeing what Max will be like, so I will be able to say "yep I am happy with this for certain". However we don't have that luxury. We just cannot see into the future. On the other hand, I am glad that the changes will be gradual.
We have decided not to change his name and pronouns in public until he starts T. We haven't made the decision yet and what to keep in to us and a few close friends.
I feel some anxiety again today. I think it is about when it will occur. I feel a sense of urgency, and I think this may have to do with that, I want to know how the T will change his appearance and mood. I am not at all concerned about top surgery. I am actually all for it and have been for a long time. I know he hates his "lumps", as he puts it. The changes on T are what concern me more.
We're still queer
31/01/10
We told one of my closest friends and his girlfriend today. Travis and Christine were very supportive and understanding, especially for non-queer people and that they have never come across this before. So far no-one has questioned if I will or how I will stay with Max, which is fantastic. My answer, anyway, is because I love him. Christine did ask how we as lesbians would then identify. This is a great question and one that has plagued my head. The answer in a nutshell is QUEER. I will still be Femme and Max with still be Butch.
I feel so close to Max now, as he has let me in a little closer. Our relationship is just so strong and just seems to get better and better. I cannot imagine my life without him.
It feels weird chaning pronouns; I get a sense of excitement mixed with some apprehension. I am really looking forward to the confidence I believe will increase in Max and that the body dysphoria will lessen. However I worry about the reactions from others and the influence it may have on our relationship.
I am half way through the book S/he
We told one of my closest friends and his girlfriend today. Travis and Christine were very supportive and understanding, especially for non-queer people and that they have never come across this before. So far no-one has questioned if I will or how I will stay with Max, which is fantastic. My answer, anyway, is because I love him. Christine did ask how we as lesbians would then identify. This is a great question and one that has plagued my head. The answer in a nutshell is QUEER. I will still be Femme and Max with still be Butch.
I feel so close to Max now, as he has let me in a little closer. Our relationship is just so strong and just seems to get better and better. I cannot imagine my life without him.
It feels weird chaning pronouns; I get a sense of excitement mixed with some apprehension. I am really looking forward to the confidence I believe will increase in Max and that the body dysphoria will lessen. However I worry about the reactions from others and the influence it may have on our relationship.
I am half way through the book S/he
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
